"You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another" (Ernest Hemingway)

TW: Suicidal thoughts.

Third person POV

After his mother's death, when he was still a teenager, Kyle had thought a lot about ways of escaping his situation.

Leaving the pack had been an option. Taking too many pills and hoping he would never wake up another.

In the end, he had stayed and survived years of abuse under the guardianship of his uncle. He had even become the best warrior of the pack, after Darren. Yet, it didn't feel like he had really accomplished anything.

In order to cope with everything, his unconscious strategy had been to fight his mind constantly. Training hard so he could keep the dark thoughts at bay. Being as little alive as possible without actually being dead.

He hadn't minded the silence, the loneliness and the eat/sleep/train/repeat routine, because the less alive he felt, the less it hurt.

It was not so difficult, becoming robot-like. All you had to do was to function. Do what you were asked to do, without letting any feelings affect your judgment.

However, since Darren and Nate were somehow back in his life, he had found that this good old strategy of his was not working so well anymore.

Around them, he was finally realising how tired he was, and he didn't just mean physically. If he stopped and rested now, maybe he would never have the strenght to function again.

"Kyle?"

"Hm?"

He replied to Darren in a muffled voice, his legs slightly shaking under him.

"Please, sit down."

He fell rather than sat on the ground. Darren and Nate looked worried, but didn't comment on it, and sat next to him.

"Sorry for interrupting your time with your mother" Nate eventually stammered, as Kyle kept gazing in the distance with tired eyes. "We didn't want to eavesdrop. It's just, you mentionned us to her, and then.."

"You got curious. I understand. I would have probably done the same. It's fine." Kyle cut in.

"But-"

"I said it's fine."

As the they went quiet again, Kyle felt himself becoming more and more agitated. He hadn't actually spilled any secrets in his mates' unknown presence, but he had revealed embarrassing things about himself - again.

Whining about his mates not wanting him, babbling about his friendship with a four years old girl... What else?

How humiliating.

"Kyle?"

"Yes?"

"What do you want from us?"

He eventually looked away from the starless sky. Although he was not very good at receiving affection, there was no mistaking in the warmth that danced in Darren's eyes at this very moment.

He had to forced himself not to lean forward, not to try to get closer to this warmth, to bathe his frozen soul in it until it would feel alive again.

"What do you need from us, right now?" Darren clarified in a soft voice. "You can ask us."

An unwanted longing suddenly gripped what was left of his heart. It could have gone so well between them, he thought. If his mother had still been there, if his uncle hadn't forced him to take suppressants, if he had found out about his mates earlier, if he hadn't tried to rape Nate...

Why was their Goddess torturing him like this, offering him what he desired the most in the world when he no longer deserved it?

"Do you guys remember when we used to sleep under the stars, just the three of us?"

They both turned to look at Nate, who looked back at them with a fond smile. He was completely disheveled, the tee-shirt that belonged to Darren too big on his slender frame, but Nate had never cared too much about his own appearance.

"We were about ten or eleven, I think. We had to go to normal schools, and pretend to mix with humans" Nate continued, conjuring memories that the three of them shared.

Kyle remembered very clearly. Those were peaceful, happy memories. His mother was still alive, and he fit in very well at school, making friends both among werewolves and humans.

"I really cherished these moments outside of school, with only the two of you" Nate added, and Kyle nodded absentmindedly.

So, it could actually be enjoyable, remembering about the past? He found it hard to believe, yet he was smiling.

"School was actually a bit of a nightmare for me, so I was always glad to be back in the woods".

Nate's light tone had suddenly turned sour. Kyle threw him a surprised glance, before looking at Darren. Judging by the man's puzzled expression, it was also the first time he heard something like this from Nate.

"You know I wasn't as popular as you guys. I was this very small, nonconfident little boy who didn't enjoy playing football or getting into fights..."

Darren and Kyle must have worn horrified expressions, because Nate gave them a little sad, reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I wasn't actively being bullied, especially since I was friend with the two strongest guys in school. I just..." he trailed off.

As he resumed telling them about school, Kyle suddenly pictured all too well the scrawny, polite and caring little boy his best friend used to be.

To him, Nate had looked happy back then, but maybe it was because Nate always wore this big, toothy smile around his friends.

Plus, he hadn't been with him all of the time, as they were put in different classes.

True, after school he had sometimes noticed injuries on the boy's skinny limbs. Nothing alarming, though: a few bruises, light scratches, things like that. He himself got them all the time.

However, now that he thought about it, it wasn't surprising that he and Darren got minors injuries. They both loved a good fight and would never turn down a challenge.

It had never been Nate's case, though. The boy much preferred staying in the library during lunch, or draw by himself in empty classrooms.

He should have known...

"Please, guys, do not wear such guilty expressions." Nate suddenly pleaded. "I didn't want to make you feel sad. You know, I'm grateful for your friendship, because those moments together made me forget the rest."

Nate then told them how, even among werewolves, he used to be scorned for not being as strong and assertive as his two best friends.

People always did it behind Darren and Kyle's backs, though, as both werewolves could be pretty scary.

As he finished talking, he quickly lighted a fire. Since they were werewolves, they weren't that sensitive to cold, but they still enjoyed the cosy feeling the burning woods provided them.

"You are very strong, Nate. I'm proud of you. Thank you for telling us. It must have been a hard time" Darren declared quietly, kissing his mate on his forehead.

"It was, but I am doing well, now. I'm never again letting anybody talk shit about me again just because I'm not strong or dominant enough for their taste" Nate replied, a happy grin on his face.

"It's a good thing times are changing and people aren't been as closed-minded as they used to be."

Kyle agreed in silence, listening to the crackling sounds from the fire. He wished his future would mostly be filled with moments like this, but it was probably too much to ask the Goddess.

"I know what I want to ask" he said abruptly.

Nate, who was almost dozing off, opened his eyes to look at him.

"You - you asked me what I needed from you guys" Kyle mumbled, feeling all his newfound confidence already leaving him under his mates' attentive eyes.

"We did. What do you need, Kyle?"

He looked down at his nails. They were full of dirt and dried blood, a consequence of his previous training session. He should have cleaned them. His body was now as dirty as his mind.

He didn't think he would ever be appaled by his mates's dirt, though.

"Can you - can you come closer?" he whispered, voice so low that most creatures could never hear it.

Nate and Darren being werewolves, they heard him very clearly.

"Like this?"

They were definitely closer now, body heat radiating from them, as their thighs almost touched.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It wasn't enough, but he didn't know if he could really... He didn't know how to voice his thoughts.

"Can, you, uh, I want to - I-I would like to feel safe."

It was at this very moment, when their eyes met, that Kyle wondered how much exactly Darren had guessed.

Of course, the man probably just had a vague intuition he couldn't really put his finger on.

He didn't know that Kyle was a Sub. He didn't know about his uncle. He didn't know about the suppressants.

Yet, from his knowing expression to the way his sharp yet soft eyes were set on him, he wasn't too far from unveiling the truth.

Or, rather, the truths.

"Kyle"

Kyle looked down at the open palm that was presented to him. Seconds passed, maybe even minutes.

He eventually took the hand, only to be pulled between Darren's sturdy legs.

"Darren..."

"It's okay, ba-Kyle."

His back was pressed against the Alpha's chest, and for a mere second he was tempted to get up and run, not because he didn't enjoy it, but because the feeling was new and he was afraid he would get used to it.

He didn't run, though. On the contrary, he snuggled further into his mate's protective embrace and was rewarded by the feeling of Darren's arms tightening around him.

He could feel his calming hearbeat against his back. The warm breath against his nape. His familiar scent engulfing him.

Safe.

He, too, wanted to share something. Maybe not his biggest secrets, but something meaningful nonetheless.

Where to start? What to say?

Beginnings were frightening. They were exciting, but frightening nonetheless.

Was it what it was, between them? The beginning of something? An opportunity to start over?

"You know, maybe it's a weird thing to say, but I feel like I just woke up from the deads."

They didn't laugh, or wore incredulous expressions. Nate gave him an encouraging smile, while Darren's hand left his waist to lightly stroke his cheek.

Feeling a bit more confident, he continued.

"All those years following my mother's death, I was just trying to feel as little as possible..."