I nodded to Finney and moved to unlatch the small wooden chest that sat at the edge of the water. Moss and vines grew over the chest and its latches were heavy with rust. The chest creaked with protest as I opened it to find small plain looking bars of soap. Lifting it to my nose I sniffed the soap and wasn’t surprised when I found it to have no scent whatsoever. Regardless of scent, I was thrilled to have access to something to clean myself with. Months of dirt, blood and bile coated my skin leaving me feeling and smelling absolutely disgusting.

Looking back I saw that Finney had escaped silently back off into the woods. Happy to have a calm moment to myself I shrugged off my rags and toed the water. Chills ran over my body as the icy water washed over my skin. Initially my body screamed in protest and my teeth chattered uncontrollably as I got into the pond, but after a second the cool silk of the water started to ease my cuts and bruises. Holding my nose I sank beneath the crest of the pond. I took a second under the water to run my hands through my hair, prying apart the matts that had formed over the past few months. Emerging back on the surface, I sucked my breath in deeply and closed my eyes allowing the moment of peace to truly wash over me. I let myself stay in that moment a little longer and admired the stars that peeked through the trees above me. It had been so long since I had a quiet moment like this to myself. I wanted to take all the time in the world to catalog this moment, knowing I likely wouldn’t have many more. Sighing, I knew I couldn’t take my time like I really wanted. Finney would be back any minute now and I had months of debris to rid myself of.

Furiously I scrubbed at the dirt that marred my skin, slowly revealing the angry red scars that lay beneath. Shame filled me seeing what I had done to myself. More shame followed as I remembered the sweet bliss of feeding from myself. I remembered how good it felt to feed my affliction, how full I felt after, how electric I felt.

I heard Finney’s steady heartbeat before I heard the snapping of twigs beneath his boots. He stepped into the clearing and tossed a stack of clothes at the edge of the pond.

“Get dressed,” He said.

Hurriedly I scurried from the water and dressed myself. Finney stared aimlessly off in the other direction of me, arms crossed lightly tapping his fingers on his biceps. When I was done dressing I moved to stand by him, awaiting his next order.

“Done?” He asked patiently. I nodded in response. “Good, you don’t waste time. I think I’m going to like that about you,” Finney said, clapping me on the back.

A faint whiff of blackberries and wine hit my nose, and I felt my eyes flare in response. Finney was too close to me now to not notice how his blood smelled, how loud his heartbeat rang in my ears. Fearful of what I might do, I stepped back from Finney. I glued my eyes to the ground and held my hands behind my back.

Leaning down, Finney tried to get a good look at my now flaming red eyes. Curious, he stepped forward and I leaped back in response.

“So… Is it a proximity thing? Do your eyes always get like that when your magic flares?” Finney paused, hesitating on his last question, “Are you hungry for it?”

I opened my mouth to respond and paused, “I can smell it, all I can smell is you when you get that close… I… I can’t… control it. Please stay back.”

“From what I’ve heard you give into it pretty easily and without warning. Why are you warning me?” Finney questioned.

“I already fed from someone today, granted I threw up most of it, but it was enough to sate me, to give me some control,” I closed my eyes tightly trying to focus on any other smell besides Finney before I continued, “You have been kind to me. I know I shouldn’t get used to it or anything but still, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I respect the honesty. Perhaps we can split your daily ration to include a vial of blood if it means you won’t eat your comrades,” he suggested.

Shaking my head no at his suggestion I looked up to meet Finney’s gaze, “That won’t work. If it’s outside of the body for more than ten minutes it tastes like rot.”

“Well doesn’t that just sound incredibly appetizing. I suppose you can’t just feed from yourself can you?”

I shrugged in response. It was hard to stop once I started to feed, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t tasted my own blood before. Best case scenario, I don’t go hungry and live with an utter hatred of myself. Worst case scenario, I take too much from myself and end up killing myself in the process. Either way it went I was eerily content with it. After everything I had been through in the last few months, death didn’t seem so bad.

“I can try,” I whispered.

Nodding to me, Finney started walking back toward camp and I trailed behind him. The chatter of the night had dimmed and most of the mages had dispersed to their personal quarters. Small stone huts lined the rear of the camp, and a few ragged tents were scattered closer to the main fires. Towards the front of the camp was a large stone building similar to the jails of June’s camp. Finney motioned me to pause as he walked into one of the larger tents. When he emerged he carried a small sack. Holding it out to me, he gestured to me to take it.

“There are two sets of clothes in there, I suggest you take care of them because until you earn saerahin rank you won't be getting any more,” Finney said.

With that he turned and resumed walking toward the front of the camp to the large stone building. Two guards were posted outside the entrance, talking quietly to themselves. As Finney approached they bowed slightly in respect and opened the door for us to enter. Stopping at the first room, Finney motioned for me to stop again, and pulled a keyring off his belt. He flipped through the keys until he found the one he was looking for and unlocked the door. Stepping inside he grabbed a threadbare blanket from one shelf and a dilapidated pillow from another. Stepping back outside the room he paused to lock the door and handed the bedding to me.

“Same deal, take care of it because you aren’t getting another set. If you are lucky, when you are a saerahin you can earn actual bedding, but for right now we aren’t wasting supplies on an Isturn,” Finney said with no emotion.

Moving forward Finney led me through the battered halls of the building. The walls of stone were cracked and decaying, the sounds of dripping water filled my ears. Instead of wooden doors to the rooms, each was given a metal jail door so the guards could see into the rooms if needed. No locks, however, hung on any of the doors.

“Are we free to walk around?” I asked.

Finney chuckled in response, “If you want to. We aren’t going to lock you in a cell like June does. Don’t go trying to run off or anything though, you have nowhere to run to and someone will find you. And let me just say you seriously aren’t going to like what Palaemon does to you when they drag you back. I may have shown a sliver of kindness, he will not.”

Shuddering at the thought, I wrapped my arms around my bedding and hugged it to my chest. Finney may have a soft spot in him, but based on what happened to the guards earlier and what everyone else had been saying, Palaemon didn’t.

Stopping at the far end of a hall, Finney opened the door to a room. Inside were four other mages, each huddled in their own respective corners. Three of them looked up at my arrival and sneered. They grabbed their belongings and moved them closer to themselves in a territorial way. Clearly they were not pleased to get another roommate. The fourth mage, a boy around my age, lay on the ground staring unblinking at the ceiling. His eyes darted back and forth as if they were following some unseen specter.

“Make friends and try not to kill each other or you lot are scrubbing the blood off the floor,” Finney ordered.

With that he walked off leaving me with the other new recruits. Holding my head down I walked to the back wall and sat in between the two mages. I set my things down in front of me and took a moment to brush my hands over the rough cotton of the blanket I was given. Grateful to have anything at this point I sighed with content. It wasn’t a lavish silk bed that felt as if you were laying on a cloud like I used to have, but it wasn’t a bare stone floor. Plus side, I was also free of my biting restraints. Rubbing my jaw I felt the welts that still marred my cheeks from the muzzle. I had to keep focusing on the small things I was granted. If I didn’t, then I feared I would be consumed by the pain and disgust that racked me.

None of what was happening was ideal, but sometimes in life you have to make do with what you have. You have to find the little things to keep you going. For instance, I no longer had to try to pretend to be the proper prince my father wanted me to be. No more sitting in court sessions trying desperately to follow along with everyone’s complaints. No more tedious tailoring sessions, trying to stand perfectly still lest the tailor stick me with pins. For clothes that I had no interest in wearing nonetheless. No more laying in bed at night trying to block out the cries of my step-mother as she endured another night in my father’s bed because he demanded another, more fit heir. No more lectures about how I should have never been conceived. How he wished I had been stillborn. How he regretted not having my servant mother killed when she showed of my conception. No more feigning interest in the other palace kids' antics and child politics. The only thing left that I still yearned for was my freedom. Freedom to go anywhere I pleased when I wanted to. Freedom to choose what I did with my time. Freedom to disappear from the world if I wanted to. That’s what I really wanted. It’s easier to be alone by yourself than be alone in a room full of other people. 

Closing my eyes I leaned my head back against the wall and listened to the faint shuffling of the other mages. Too many smells waded around the room, mixing together to form one giant confusing scent. Thankfully the overwhelming scent threw off whatever hunger gnawed at my stomach. While the ache was still there, the urge to fill it was pushed to the back of my mind. 

Minutes passed and I felt myself releasing the tension in my bones. The quiet shufflings of the room filled me with a naive ease and I felt myself letting my guard down.No vulgar threats rang out, no violent attacks. The other mages surprisingly stayed in their corners and kept to themselves. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. Maybe all the horror stories that I had been told about barrack life were just that, stories. 

A tinge of a smile crept at my lips as I laid my bedding down. Slinking under the blanket I curled up and closed my eyes. For the first time in months I was able to sleep in a semi comfortable position without the nips of steel on my flesh. Grateful for this small victory I found myself mentally transcribing every detail of this moment so that I could remember it later. And without much of a fight I found myself slipping into a deep, dream filled sleep.