9:24 A.M.

"What do you feel, Sarthak?

Grief, pain or pity?

Nothing.

You are hollow.

Pull yourself out."

I woke to a profound aroma. Something that's been boiled with tea leaves, sugar, milk, elaichi and cloves. Chai! The man, who looked to be one of the staff members, placed a cup of chai and served a plate of food on my table. Bread, roti, dal, seasoned cauliflower with potatoes, yogurt, some sliced cucumbers and onions. My body adjusted itself on the red leather seats. When did I fall asleep? The little movie seemed to have worked a bit too well on my heart that it convinced my body to sleep. I'd make that childish assumption. I rubbed my eyes and gave the man a small nod before he left. I picked up the white cup, pressed it against my lips and took a sip.

Her tea tasted better. I put down the cup and began my fest. Couldn't really remember if I ate dinner last night. It was like my appetite disappeared for a moment. Even this food tasted a bit, bland. The roti felt somewhat hard to swallow. I let out a sigh as I pulled on my pale white t-shirt. Too hot here. Though it is August, India's climate has taken a wild turn. It's the season to turn on the fan even in winters! The electricity bill takes away the soul of most middle class people most of the time. Saving money becomes a hazard since everybody wants money now. Inflation? No, corruption. It's hard for politicians to keep their pockets clean. How did I get to politics? I am jamming on random thoughts again. Doesn't that bother you? The heart, I mean. He wants to feel.

But I feel everything and nothing at the same time.

I envy those who can cry the moment they are informed of terrible news. They fall to their knees, bury their faces in their hands and cry like a child. How, do they do that? And why can't I do that? I can't even remember the last time I cried out loud. Why is that? What the fuck is wrong with me?

The train reached Jharkhand, now. The state shares a border with west Bengal. It's a beautiful one. Jonha Falls has to be one of my favorite tourist attractions. I love the water, the sea and the marine life. They bring me joy. It was the only thing that brought her and me to a conversation.

We met in college in New Delhi. Engineering. I was already into the 2nd year. Life had been okay, I'd say. Wake up, travel for an hour, get into college, sleep during some lectures, go back to the rented apartment, fall asleep. Realistic. One day, we had to pair up with some 1st year freshers and teach them some basics of a topic that I don't even remember. The class was annoyed. Think about it, why waste your time on some people you don't even know? Can't they just learn it themselves? But no one protested. Personally, if it gets me a good grade, I'm okay with it.

11:11 A.M. 7th of April, 2021 - I sat down on my chair, waiting for the partner I was assigned with. Patience running thin as I strum my fingers on the table. Just as the project began, the door opened and someone asked for the permission to enter. My eyes, curious, looked up through my eyebrows.

That's when I saw her.

Short, very. Medium length black hair, a red kurta, a bindi in the centre of two eyebrows. All these things and I couldn't help but notice just her smile. Bright. I thought I was blinded for a moment.

"You, are Sarthak?" A voice that would taste like honey. I didn't realise that she was looking at me, standing near me. "Yeah." I said as I tilted my head up. She smiled again as her hand carried itself up. A handshake?

"My name is-"

I'm thinking about it again. 

I slapped myself lightly on the cheek and took a deep breath. My hands fished out a book from my bag to read. I don't even remember where I was on this book. Not the chapter, not the plot, not the characters. But I'd do anything, anything to keep this idiot of a heart from thinking about her. We'll do this bullshit when we reach Himachal. Why even worry about someone who is dead? Why think about someone you fought with? I don't want to because it's selfish. Keeping yourself in pain knowing still that the person is not coming back is greedy. Death is certain. Anyone who births, shall die. It's so- so stupid and foolish. Thinking about all this just makes it harder to keep the desire to visit! 

The ringtone of my phone forced me to pull out of my delusion. I pulled out my phone from my pocket. Maa. I picked it up and put the phone against my ear. "Namaste, Maa." She sounded like ordinary. Like her son wasn't just going several miles away to see a cold body burn. A few minutes of talking and she asked me about the breakfast, the bags, the train, the seats, the AC, which I didn't even noticed until she brought it up. I told her everything was fine. Seats were okay and red. Suddenly, she sounded like she forgot something and immediately told me that it's important. 

"Aryan is going to be at the funeral. Hopefully you two can get along.*

I want to jump off this train, now.