[CW: mention of character death due to suicide, description of a funeral]

Robert scooped sandy soil with a spade and threw it into the grave. Following what everyone else was doing on the other side, he stabbed the spade into the ground and stepped aside. Nobody took it. Nikolai, who was the only one beside him, was standing with his eyes squeezed shut, shaking from head to toe. Robert sighed, leaned towards him and whispered: “Come on, man, just one scoop.”

Nikolai sniffled loudly, leaning towards Robert as if pulled by a magnet but still not opening his eyes. “I’m scared.”

“It’s just a spade.”

“I’m scared I would look down and see the body.”

Robert blinked and looked into the grave. Enough reddish-brown soil had been put back to cover most of the burial dress, painting the white fabric orange and yellow. Where he could see a hand before, nothing was peeking through anymore.

“It’s safe. I promise.” He nudged Nikolai forward slightly.

After an even harder tremble, Nikolai opened one eye, peeked down, opened another. Carefully he pulled up the spade, scooped some soil and awkwardly poured it into the grave. As he stabbed the spade back into the ground, it almost fell to the side but Robert caught it in time. Nikolai took several steps back and shut his eyes again, covering them with his hands.

Seeing nobody else willing to pay their respects, Robert joined Natan and Moishe in filling the grave. Their mother was sitting near the edge, forehead pressed to the ground. She wasn’t crying anymore.

In the heat of the cemetery, sweating in his ceremonial robes that they borrowed from Auerbachs and that were way too tight for him, Robert’s mind wandered. What was so scary about seeing a body to Nikolai? Robert caught a glimpse of it yesterday morning while checking what was wrong, and then had a proper look after Moishe took it down. Part of him wondered if he would ever be able to look at cables without feeling sick. But wrapped in the burial gown and with folds of the fabric not even following the outline of the body that much, it hardly looked like a human anymore. Could be anyone in there. 

Maybe, it wasn’t Hershel at all. 

(Well, Natan did check back in the preparation room before the procession started to make sure there was no mistake. But theoretically.)

Dead bodies weren’t scary. Thinking about what happens next was. They have been living better because of Hershel’s job. Their mom didn’t have to work as many hours anymore; they even started building an extension in place of the backyard in preparation for the birth of Natan’s second child. Would they be able to finish it now, were there enough materials already bought? Maybe, but no way they could hire anyone to help. Plus, Natan got fired, and they were looking at an obscene attorney bill just to give him a chance to find a new, worse job. Moishe wasn’t fired but he couldn’t take time off for mourning either. Robert barely made any money, and Mr Dubois sent him a message saying he can skip a week in wake of the family tragedy. Working at the shop would not put enough food on their table.

Yeah, Hershel did really choose the easiest way out, didn’t he? He didn’t even wait to see if the mines filed charges against him. He didn’t try to fight injustice. Didn’t think about the rest of the family. About their mom. Selfish piece of shit till the very end.

Robert put the spade down and looked up at the sky. He didn’t believe in the god his mom was so devoted to. But at that moment, he apologised for what he just thought about, guilt burning through his gut. Do not speak ill of the dead.

When the grave was full, with a slight bump on top, and most of the other attendees left, Moishe squatted next to Golda. “Come on, mom. Let’s get you in the shade.”

“I will stay with him,” she whispered, her voice hoarse and hollow. It made Robert shiver.

“This is not him anymore, only the body.” Natan said emotionlessly. 

“We’ll visit at sunset, okay? Let’s go home.” Moishe offered much more gently.

Natan gathered the spades and returned them to the renting kiosk near the crematorium. As they walked out of the cemetery, a drilling bot was digging urn holes in the area for those who didn’t observe special burial traditions. The marking columns there looked so much neater to Robert’s eye. Hershel didn’t have faith, as far as he knew, but mom insisted on following the ceremony. Nobody tried to talk her out of it. ‘If I want to be cremated,’ Robert thought, ‘I’ll have to live longer than her.’

In the afternoon, Robert realised he was suffocating. No, there was enough air but it felt like he couldn’t breathe it. He needed to get out of the house, screw the stupid mourning week. Why should he even participate in it? It was useless, Hershel didn’t care if they did it or not, he didn’t care about anything anymore. But Robert had to care about what happened next. He needed to be doing something. He needed to be gaining money.

“I’m going to the workshop,” he croaked and jerked himself up. He started packing tools into his backpack.

Nikolai, who has been sitting on his sofa this whole time and coding, looked up with a worried face. “But Auntie Golda said-”

“I don’t give a fuck. You shouldn’t even care about that, you are not technically his family. You shouldn’t be expected to mourn.”

“But you are…”

“I don’t believe in her fucking god.” Once again, Robert felt guilty about saying it out loud. But it was true. Wasn’t lying a sin or something?

He shouldered the backpack and reached to open the door out of the room.

“Can I come with you?” Nikolai whispered. He suddenly sounded scared.

“You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“But you forbade me from coming to your workshop…”

Robert looked over his shoulder, surprised. “...Dude, that was almost a year ago.”

Nikolai shrugged and stared at his feet. “You never said otherwise.”

Robert closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Well, at least if they both would be gone when some neighbour shows up to offer their condolences, they'd get in trouble together.

“Fine. Just don’t forget your hat.”

They sneaked out of the attic window, crawled along the roof to the Auerbachs house and climbed down the service ladder there. It being the middle of the day in the hottest season, nobody was outside to spot them. The way to the Drown was uneventful, though Robert could see how fast Nikolai’s energy was running out; the guy wasn’t made for summer. Yet, he didn’t complain, didn’t ask to stop; he put one foot over another, stared at the ground, and occasionally rubbed sweat off his brow.

This past year, the frequency of Robert’s visits to the workshop dropped dramatically. He was grounded for the remainder of the last summer; the gang continued coming over, even if just to play games, but then a sandstorm messed up the solar panels on the roof, and nobody had any idea how to fix them. Ace took the gaming console to his home and that’s where Pep and Tzarif have been hanging out since. Robert hasn't talked to Ace and Pep for several months now; Tzarif was at the funeral but they only exchanged pleasantries. The gang was pretty much dead. Once he was allowed to leave the house for extended periods of time, Robert fixed the solar panels. Gatien and he occasionally dropped by to use the welding machine and the stationary cutter but nothing more than that. 

Last time he’d been here, the door rusted over so much it was impossible to pry it open. Instead, Robert had to pull a corner of the door inside with the crawler, bending the old material wide enough to get the vehicle out. He barred the opening with some stones and old planks but anyone with enough dedication could pull it apart. 

Robert climbed up the ruins of a nearby parking spot to the roof, dusted off one of the solar panels and climbed down a rusty ladder into the workshop proper. He didn’t talk Nikolai through this new process of entry, but the guy followed him without much trouble.

Once inside, Rob emptied his backpack in a pile at the work surface under the last working light projector and started disassembling a broken pump he dug out of a recycling pile a few weeks ago. He wished he brought his robot here; he immediately scoffed at this: who needed that useless piece of crap. He needed to make money. Sell stuff, just like Gatien said. It meant, he should fix useful stuff. Like pumps, boilers, stasis boxes, cooling fans. Just thinking of that made his eyes burn. This was a boring, dirty, repetitive job. It was barely better than working in the mines.

All because Hershel was now dead.

Would he be dead if they told him about Nikolai being able to hack into the company servers? If Robert didn’t stop him from doing that right away?

He realised he was crying only when Nikolai approached him from behind and leaned on him in what wasn’t even a hug but was probably meant to convey one. It was so unusual, Robert held his breath for a second. Never before had he seen Kolya offer any kind of physical comfort in response to others being upset. Then again, nobody close to them died before. And despite the shitty year apart, Nikolai felt confident enough to comfort him. With this realisation, Robert burst into tears properly, not holding the sobs back and letting grief rock his whole body.