Our time at Caer Tower started out uneventful. We returned our books to Thyandril and Taurin, while Finney waited patiently outside. Then Finney took us to a deserted room and left us to our studies. The first half of the day I spent reading to Ilian, this time from a book about the different hand gestures used to summon the shadows. After a few hours I found myself having to move further away from him, the scent of his skin was sending fires raging through my veins. At first Ilian didn’t get why I was moving away from him, and he kept trying to scoot closer to me. It wasn’t until I blacked out on him that he started to understand. 

While I don’t remember what happened after I blacked out, I remember how my mouth watered before. The words on the page in front of me started to disappear, my hands trembled with excitement and fear. The sound of his heart pounded in my ears. Then the next thing I knew I was hovering over him on the floor, our chairs were turned over, the books flung across the room. My teeth were inches from his throat, I could feel the pulse of his blood just below my lips. He trembled slightly as he caressed my cheek, tears had begun to form in his eyes. The silk hands of a shadow were wrapped around my throat and my arms as they desperately tried to hold me back.

I cried. Deep whole body cries. I had come so close to hurting him. It took him almost no time to bounce back from his near death encounter though. A curt wipe of his eyes and he was back to sitting next to me on the floor while he tried to comfort me. His soft whispers telling me everything was alright, soothed my soul.

Finney returned to us like that. Sitting on the floor, Ilian holding me as I cried. He was rather confused until he assessed the state of the room. From there he was able to start to piece together what had happened in his absence. 

“Are you okay?” He asked Ilian.

Ilian didn’t bother to look at him when he responded, he was still upset at Finney, “I am alright but Kiri needs to feed. Did you bring food with you?”

“I did, but shouldn’t he feed first before he eats?” Finney asked.

Ilian shook his head, “No, eating helps to diffuse the thirst,” he explained to Finney before gently tilting my chin up so I would look at him, “Come on, Kiri. Let’s get some food in you, okay? You will feel better if you eat.”

His voice was a gentle caress to my ears, a soothing remedy to the ache that pained me. I was like a putty in his hands as he led me back to the table. Never once did his touch waiver from me.

Finney picked up our chairs and I settled in across from Ilian. My eyes burned with the fire from my hunger. They felt dry and heavy beneath my eyelids. Each blink was like they were being rubbed with sandpaper and it caused my vision to blur. But even still I found myself unable to look away from Ilian, truthfully I didn’t want to anyways.

Finney wasted no time in setting out our food, Ilian quietly directing him where to stand and how close he could get to me. I could smell the slight irritation in Finney’s blood about taking direction from Ilian. But I think he knew better than to argue with the only one who seemed to be able to quell the beast that harbored in my soul. Each time I got close to hurting him, Ilian seemed to miraculously be able to pull me back from the edge.

The entire time we ate I found myself slipping in and out of my affliction. My body shook so hard with the need that Ilian had to feed me himself. He was careful in his movements, each one he would announce to me before slowly moving the food to my lips. He kept one hand on my cheek, gently brushing against my skin with his thumb. Occasionally my fangs would graze his skin ever so slightly which sent bright waves through me as if someone were sticking a white hot poker into my veins. Each time, Ilian would tighten his hold on my cheek and use his other hand to cup the underside of my jaw. He’d spend the next few minutes speaking softly to me, reminding me once again that it was okay.

By the time we were done eating, a feverish coat of sweat covered my skin. The ache inside me had dulled, but I felt weak. Resisting my urge for so long had depleted just about all of the energy I had.

“I’m having second thoughts about you feeding him,” Finney’s voice echoed just out of reach of my consciousness, “He isn’t stable in the slightest.”

“I can handle him, he needs to feed and I don’t see you offering to do it,” Ilian snapped back. His voice had no gentility when he spoke to Finney.

“How do you want to do this then?” He asked.

“I’ll tell you to grab him if I need you to, but just stay over there,” Ilian responded.

The room was nothing but a blur of colors to me, but I could sense it when Ilian stood up from his chair. His heartbeat was steady and strong, the fear had dissipated from his veins. The hand he had rested under my jaw, drifted down to rest on my chest. The weight of his body slowly pressing into mine as he climbed into my lap. I closed my eyes as the world around me dissolved until it was just him. My breath came in short shuddering gasps as I struggled to calm myself. 

“It’s okay, Kiri…” Ilian whispered to me, his breath spreading a warmth over my cheek, “Trust me, I won’t let you hurt me.”

His hand that had been cradling my cheek slowly made its way to the back of my head and he led me to his neck. I could feel his pulse beneath my lips again and my mouth watered instinctively for what was to come. I leaned in closer and buried my face in the crook of his neck taking a deep breath to lose myself in his scent. His hand played lightly in the strands of hair that had come loose from my ponytail.

“You are doing good, Kiri…” he whispered encouragingly, “Go ahead, it’s okay.”

I groaned in response as I struggled to contain myself. I slid my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me. I wanted to bathe in his touch, to envelop myself in his scent. He shuddered slightly with the weight of my embrace, but his heart rate never waivered.

“I know you won’t hurt me, Kiri…” he breathed in my ear, “It’s going to be okay.”

The last of my resolve slid between my fingers and I found myself parting my lips to let my fangs graze against his skin. He hissed slightly as my fangs pierced his flesh. The sweet sanguine desire flooded across my tongue as I lost myself in the heaven that was Ilian. His breath quickened as I sank my fangs deeper, allowing even more of his honey flavor to coat my throat. Each second seemed like it lasted years as I licked and licked at the sweetness of his blood. The ache inside me grew quiet, but my desire screamed for more. The gluttony of my affliction had taken the reins and I didn’t want to stop. 

Ilian’s hand tightened in my hair and his hand returned to cup my jaw. His heartbeat had begun to speed up as he tried to push me away from him.

“Kiri, that’s enough now. Stop please,” his voice echoed in my ears.

I knew that I should let go. I knew I should stop, but he tasted so good. He felt… like paradise. How could I let something this good go? No. I needed to hold on to this. If I didn’t let it go then it would never end.

“Kiri,” his voice panicked, “Stop now.”

Ilian’s demands fell on deaf ears. I couldn’t let go. Not now. 

“Kiri, I know you don’t want to hurt me so I need you to stop. Please,” he begged, “I know you can hear me. I know you can do this. I know you can find restraint.”

I could feel him shaking in my embrace as he pleaded with me. But this wasn’t the same as earlier. This was fear, I could taste it starting to taint his blood. The warmth that had tingled my tongue was slowly being replaced with a cold sourness. Reality came flooding back to me and I released my fangs from Ilian’s throat. 

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to scare you…” I cried into his chest.

“It’s okay. You're okay. I’m okay. You stopped before you hurt me,” Ilian said, sounding more relieved than I think he meant to, “I knew you could do it!”

Finney walked slowly towards us and braced Ilian as he started to stand. His legs shook horribly as he attempted to put weight on them. Finney’s eyes showed a deep concern for Ilian as he led him back to his chair.

“Nice and slow,” he muttered to Ilian.

“I’m okay,” Ilian whispered, his voice coming in short breaths.

“You lost a lot of blood, you need to take it easy,” Finney commanded.

I felt embarrassed that I had lost myself once again. My mind flashed back to that first time and the frenzy that had locked me in so tight. I wiped at the trickle of blood that had dripped from my lips and tried to avoid Ilian’s eye contact.

“Kiri?” He whispered.

I lowered my head and refused to look at him. I was a monster, I didn’t deserve to meet his eye. I didn’t deserve his gentle touch or his soothing melodies of comfort. I didn’t deserve his kindness.

“I’m going to get you some water, will you be okay alone with him?” Finney asked Ilian.

Ilian didn’t hesitate with his reply, “Of course. Thank you, Finney.”

I heard Finney exit the room, the door closing with a rickety thud. Still I found myself unable to look at Ilian. I could hear him faintly shuffle in front of me, his toes occasionally stretching out in an effort to shake the numbness that plagued them. I could feel his body struggling to relocate his blood to his vital organs, leaving his extremities slightly lacking blood flow. While I didn’t take enough to hurt him and he would be fine in a couple of hours, I took enough that it shocked his system to some degree.

"Kiri, look at me please?” Ilian asked.

Still I refused. He deserved better and I deserved nothing. I heard Ilian get up from his chair, the wooden legs scratching on the floor as the chair scooted backwards. He lowered himself to the floor and knelt in front of me. His earthly green eyes sparkled as he looked at me with a tender stare.

“Why are you avoiding me now?” Ilian asked, cocking his head.

I tried to look away from him but he reached up to hold me still. His eyes pierced me. His touch was gentle but firm as I tried to wiggle away from him.

“Stop that, Kiri,” Ilian demanded, “Why are you trying so hard to get away from me?”

Tears blurred my vision and I struggled to not let them fall, “You should stay away from me, Ilian.”

Ilian scoffed and pulled me down so I was inches away from his face, “I don’t take orders from you, Kiri. I’m old enough to make my own decisions,” he said, placing a chaste kiss on the tip of my nose, “I’m deciding to stay with you, to help you.”

“Why?” I croaked.

“Because, it’s what friends do. They help each other.”

The tears began to fall and Ilian carefully wiped away each one, “I don’t deserve friends,” I cried.

Ilian furrowed his brows at me, “I don’t care what you think you do and do not deserve. I made my decision solely on how I feel,” he explained, “And I care about you, Kiri. You radiate this meticulous care whenever I’m around. Like you are memorizing every moment to savor later. I like the way you stare at me when you think I’m not looking. It’s like you are tracing my every feature the way an illustrator studies its subject. I like it when you get all shy and unsure about me, like I’m the only friend you have ever interacted with. It makes me feel special.”

“You are special, Ilian. Far too special to be tainted with my plague.”

“I don’t think you are a plague…” he said softly, “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Yeah,” I replied, my voice cracking from the tears that choked me.

Ilian leaned in closer, his lips were a whisper against mine as he spoke, “I liked being able to take care of you like that.”