“Can you show me the movement you use to form your weapon?” I asked.

Topher moved closer to me, in a slow gesture he held his thumb and middle finger together and twirled his wrist, “This forms a knife. Start with something small,” he explained and then repeated the movement for me to see again. 

I studied the short and fluid movement and meticulously replicated it. Once it felt natural I tried to focus my will to bend the blood. At first nothing happened. Taking a breath I repeated the motion, this time allowing myself to fully feel the blood. To feel its stale emptiness, to smell its repulsive rot. The blood rippled in the jar in response, but did nothing else. Sighing I closed my eyes and tried again, only for the same thing to happen. What was wrong with me? Earlier today I could bend the blood of a person away from his vital organs, now I couldn’t even lift the blood from the jar let alone form it into a knife.

“Don’t force it. View it as an extension of yourself. Your magic should come as easily to you as breathing,” Topher explained.

How easy for him to say. I’d seen Topher form extravagant sculptures with his ice. I’d be surprised to find out Topher ever struggled with his abilities. Taking another breath I opened myself to my surroundings, the sudden sound of Topher’s heart beat filling my ears. The echo of blood rushing through his veins played a sultry, almost irresistible, beat. At nearly thirty years old, Topher was extraordinarily healthy for his age considering the conditions that we lived in. A majority of the people I had come across since my transition held some sickness that weighed in their blood. Topher didn’t.

I was quickly distracted by a second heartbeat singing to me from just beyond the tree line. Dancing on the breeze, a sanguine sweetness teased my lungs. I inhaled deep taking in the decadence of the person hiding in the tree line. My stomach rumbled with need and I felt my eyes burn in response. 

Crisp snapping of branches signaled the approach of the newcomer. The moonlight painted his skin in ethereal violets as Ilian stepped into the clearing. Shadows played at his heels, but he paid no attention to them.

Startled to see him walk all the way out here alone, I asked,“What are you doing, Ilian?”

“I didn’t want to be there without you,” he whispered.

Ilian rubbed at the chills that plagued his arms. Bags had begun to form under his eyes and I could sense his discomfort. There was more that he wanted to say to me but he held his tongue.

“It’s a good thing you are here. You two always achieve more when you are together,” Topher said, “Come on over here, I want you to practice the same move as him,” he said to Ilian.

Ilian shuffled over to us slowly, his feet dragging in the sand. He stopped to my right, his arms just a brush away from mine. I could feel the fading warmth that emanated from his skin. It was growing colder as the seasons started to wane, making the nights quite bitter. I wanted to reach out and wrap my arm around him, to pull him closer to me. To starve the cold off of his skin, but decided it was best to give him space instead.

“Can you show me the movement please, Topher?” Ilian asked.

“I’ll let Kiri show you instead, he seems to have the motion down, seems to just be the follow through that he is having trouble with,” Topher said.

Looking down at Ilian, I slowly repeated the motion that Topher had shown me. He repeated the motion back to me in a slow and fragmented way. Again I repeated it for him. This time Ilian repeated it with a confident fluidity. He quickly repeated the movement to himself a few times, trying to memorize its feel so he could repeat it with ease.

“I think I have it. Why don’t you go first though,” Ilian muttered.

I gave him a faint nod and allowed my magic to take hold once more. The intense burn returned to my eyes as I was slammed with the smell of Ilian. From across the forest threshold Ilian’s scent was bearable, but now that he was closer it was pure agony. My mouth watered for a taste of him, but I pushed those desires down and instead forced my attention to the rot that sloshed in the jar at my feet. Its repulsive scent made my eyes water uncontrollably. Blinking away the tears I focused my senses on the blood in the jar. I took note of how heavy it felt, how lifeless it was. I allowed myself to feel how chilled it had become in the midnight air. Taking a breath I repeated the motions again, but felt nothing but anger as it only rippled in the jar once more. Clenching my hands into a fist, I let out an exasperated sigh. This felt so pointless.

“You are still trying too hard,” Topher interjected.

“Take a breath, Kiri. It will come to you,” Ilian said encouragingly.

I wanted to believe them. I wanted their encouragement to not be in vain, but right now it certainly didn’t feel like that was going to be the case. It would be the case if you stopped pushing me out, I heard Desire’s voice ringing out in the back of my head. I cringed at the sound of him. I’d been trying my hardest all day to keep him pushed down, to not allow his influence to take control of me again. I wanted nothing to do with him after this morning, after we hurt Landon like we had. I can help you, Kiri. Together we can achieve whatever you desire. We can build a dagger together, a sword. A kingdom. Kingdom? Why on earth would he think that’s what I wanted. Every time I thought back on my time in the castle I was met with only bitter memories. Surely after this morning, he was saying any and everything he thought could get him back in my good graces. Shoving him further back into my subconscious, I returned my attention to Ilian. 

Lifting his hand up Ilian repeated the motion once more before pausing to brace himself for the actual action. A sick part of me wanted him to fail at this as I had. Ilian never seemed to have any trouble using his magic and I was often jealous of his abilities. Ilian repeated the motion again, this time the shadows around us swirling with the turn of his wrist. Forming in his hand was a small wispy dagger. 

“Good job!” Topher exclaimed as he reached out to touch Ilian’s dagger. But as he brushed the shadow, his fingers went right through it.

“It’s not a good job if it's a weapon that is going to pass straight through my opponent,” Ilain said in a tired tone.

“At least you can conjure one,” I said bitterly. Ilian’s eyes jumped in shock at my tone which sent a wave of self hatred to course through me. Desire’s surprise arrival had left a sour taste on my tongue and my stomach was filled to the brim with frustration and self pity.

Ilian released the shadow and put a comforting hand on my shoulder, “Stop being so hard on yourself. If the action is too overwhelming as a whole, then break it down. Start by lifting the blood out of the jar and then let's move on from there.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Topher said.

Of course Ilian would find a way to help me work through this. Here I was hoping he would fail at the task, meanwhile he pondered the ways to help me succeed. Another biting example of why I didn’t deserve him. 

Taking his idea into consideration, I opened myself to my magic once more. This time I used an upward flicking motion to move the blood up and out of the jar. With little effort, the sanguine rot flew from its glass cage and hovered in the air above my hand.

“Good, now focus on it being as thick and as heavy as possible. Condense it, make it sharp,” Ilian said.

Closing my eyes I imagined the weight of the blood growing heavier and heavier. I brought to mind a picture of broken glass, I could see the gleam of light reflecting off its smooth and hard surface. I could picture the fragmented and razor sharp edges. Opening my eyes back up, I could see the glassy sheen that the blood had now taken on. It hovered in a thin disk above my palm, the light of the moon now reflecting off its smooth surface.

Ilian reached out to touch the blood, his eyes growing bigger as he realized how hard the liquid had become, “Kiri, that’s fantastic, now you just have to shape it and you will have your knife!”

I smiled at how excited Ilian now sounded, the sleep had now fully disappeared from his voice and he was back to being his overly excitable self. His confidence in me had me beaming, something that was cut short when the fatigue of controlling the blood started to seep in. Releasing my hold, I floated the blood back into the jar and let my connection to my magic fade out. A part of me was flooded with relief that I completed the motion without Desire’s assistance. 

“Thank you, Ilian. As always you were here to help guide me and I’m forever thankful for that,” I said, stepping closer to Ilian to give him a light hug.

“Oh, and what, I didn’t help at all?” Topher said, faking a tone of being hurt.

Laughing, I looked over my shoulder at Topher, “What, do you want a hug too, Topher?”

Shrugging his massive shoulders, Topher cocked a smile, “I mean I’ll never say no to a hug, but a simple thank you is enough.”

Releasing Ilian, I turned to wrap my arms around Topher’s waist. Though my arms almost couldn’t make it all the way around him. How this man managed to find clothes to fit him when he was the size he was, I would never understand. Ilian’s arms snaked around mine as he embraced Topher with me. 

“Hell yeah, group hug!” Topher said.

Ilian and I found ourselves giggling at Topher's antics, “Thank you for coming out here with me Topher. And thank you for showing me a new way to use my magic. I appreciate how helpful you are to Ilian and I.”

Topher clapped me on the back, “Course. The others may be a little wary of you two, but I see you for the little kids you are. That and Rosie likes you two and I’m sure she would skin me if she knew I saw you struggling and did nothing to help. I just can’t seem to find it in myself to say no to that woman. It helps that she’d kick my ass if I ever tried.”

“She does always seem to beat you in arm wrestling,” Ilian stated.

Topher scoffed, “The woman lifts more than I do, sometimes I think she lets me win just to boost my ego.”

Ilian let out a tired yawn and released his hold on Topher to rub his eyes, “Not to be rude, because I know you guys haven’t been out here very long, but can we please head back. It’s freezing out here and I’m tired.”

“You didn’t have to follow us out here, Ilian,” I said quietly, feeling guilty that he walked all the way out here in the cold.

“I know I didn’t, but it didn’t sit right with me that you were coming out here because you couldn’t sleep. I had to at least try to help you ease whatever is eating at you,” Ilian said leaning his head on my shoulder.

Topher moved his water basin back into the chest. Reaching down, he picked up my blood jar and curled his lip slightly as he screwed the crusty lid back on. So much for leaving it open and letting it dry out.

After moving the jar back into the chest, Topher closed the makeshift lid and turned back to us, “I’m siding with our little shadow, it’s cold out here. And that’s coming from me of all people so that has to say something. Let’s head back.”

Ilian beamed with relief that Topher agreed with him and tugged my arm slightly as he dragged me back into the forest. I didn’t want Ilian to suffer from the cold, but at the same time I really didn’t want to go back to laying in the dark next to him. At least out here I could distract myself from the thoughts that plagued me. Laying there in the dark, I was at their mercy. Even though every fiber of my being screamed to stay out in the cold, I shoved my selfishness aside and let Ilian lead me back to camp.