I didn’t lose my virginity to Kel, he wasn’t that important. I actually played games with Kel and I fear he may have won. It was one of those relationships where all we did was talk. Talk about being in love, talk about marriage, talk about holding each other. But we didn’t mean it, in fact we knew we were never going to do it.
There was something about the words that came out of his mouth that just never felt genuine. But I liked it, I loved when he spoke to me like I was the only girl in his world. Of course I paid him in kind. I talked back. I said things I didn’t mean. I played coy, right into his yellow palms.
The day I sent him a picture of my boobs was the last time I heard from him. I wouldn’t know this term until years later but I believe he suffered from the “Madonna - Whore complex.”
After he ghosted me, I felt used. I felt dirty. Mind you, I was already fucking somebody else but I still felt the weight of his abandonment, And so it began.
The unbreakable cycle of meeting guys, entertaining the attention, then moving on and pretending they never existed in my world. I didn’t trust anyone anymore. Am I a Scorpio, or am I just a girl with abandonment issues? Two things can also be true.
“You know I love you, we’re already dating and I never get to see you,” he wrote, “Yeah but I don’t feel comfortable.” Silence.
"If you don't want to send me the picture that's fine, but just know that's the only thing that will make me feel better about us."“Hey, are you still there?” I typed nervously. “Yeah”
I was scared I would lose him if I didn’t do it. “Hold on.” “Click” …and send.
“Wow {heart eyes}, thank you baby I love you,”
“Contact not available.” I was blocked.
The vulnerability it’s taking to relive this by writing it out is new to me. I don’t like how my chest closes up in anger. I’m beginning to hate all men. I would love to tell you he was the last one, but I'd be lying.
It’s always tough when you realize you’ve been taken advantage of, continuously. It’s like you start talking to a guy, but you’ve had this conversation before, you’ve heard those words before. You’ve been here before. You know what he’s going to say next
Boom. Crash. Fuck. Deja vu
But it’s a new guy every time. Guys like Kel have a script. They have no emotional intelligence, they have no real moves. They don’t even know how to flirt. All they have is a script. And it works, for a while. Till they find that one girl, but by then it’s too late. They’re creatures of habit you see. That’s all they know.
Same thing happened with Dylan, we dated for a while. I decided to wait with this one, see if he really liked me. We said all the right things, we flirted, nothing sexual. I played coy, guaranteed I was fucking somebody else at the time.
I tried calling it off so many times with Dylan, he wouldn’t budge. He kept trying to convince me that we were meant for each other. If I had known the fastest way to get rid of him was sending a picture of my tits. I would have done it ages ago.
Mind you, I have great tits. But in true man fashion, guys don’t like to leave a relationship empty handed. Hence, the boob pic. As soon as I sent it, I knew my relationship was over. I was just irritated that it ended with my dignity.
Then there was Sam, Naz, Toby, and Dayo. Same story. Different guy.
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