Derek placed Matteo on the pillows, covered him with the blanket and stayed by his side for a few more moments until he was sure that the little boy was okay. Derek just watched him, his breathing calm and his face content, nestled against the sheets of his bed.

What was he doing? Why had he brought Matteo to his room? Why did he keep acting so irresponsibly, like a teenager meeting his first crush? Derek knew it was a bad idea, he had known it from the moment he looked at that small, defenseless boy. Now he was sure, Matteo really was defenseless, as vulnerable as a flower in the middle of a battlefield. He should--

"Daddy, is he okay?" It was Logan who asked once again. Apparently, Derek wasn't the only one who was getting attached.

No, really, he wondered: how had they become so attached to Matteo in less than a week? How had this happen? Derek shook his head and decided, there was no point in thinking about such things now. It was too late.

He took the children's hands and smiled at them, leading them downstairs.

“Dad, what happened?” Alice said. She was quieter than usual, her voice almost a whisper, clutching her phone between her fingers like it could save her life.

“Matteo has a disease,” Derek told her. “A type of intense anxiety. That’s why he’s so calm. If Matteo gets too stressed, something like this could happen again.”

"Can anxiety do this to someone?" She asked.

"Yes. There are different levels of anxiety. Everyone has some, it's normal. When this anxiety prevents you from doing something or makes you feel sick, it is considered an illness.”

"Ah." It was Logan's turn to murmur. He had stopped crying and was now sitting on the couch with his legs up and his head resting on his knees, hugging himself.

"Do we have it too? Sometimes… I don’t feel so well." Alice confessed.

"Do you want to talk about it?”

She shrugged. 

“I mean, there’s so much to do, and exams coming up… I’ve got fencing and running, and all these exams piling up. It’s hard sometimes. I didn’t think it was anything unusual, you know? It’s always been like that. I feel like I’m going to explode sometimes.”

Derek looked at his daughter and once again felt useless. How had he never noticed this? And how had the subject only come up because their nanny had been sick? He… he was the worst father.

"It's okay, honey. We'll figure it out. Don't worry.”

He approached Alice and hugged her tightly, feeling a lump in his throat. She gasped slightly and hugged him back with all the strength an eleven-year-old could muster. Derek pulled Logan into the hug and they stayed like that for longer than they could count.

"I want you to know, you can tell me anything. It doesn't matter what it is.”

Derek heard a couple of sniffles and closed his eyes, trying to control himself. He promised himself that he would be a better father from that moment on.

***

"Come on, kids. You stay here. I'll be right back.”

And just to be sure, Derek gave each of them a tight hug before walking away. They had barely moved, watching a movie on television, but they hugged him back now with happy expressions after lunch and all the drama had passed.

He walked up the stairs, heading towards his room, and stopped in front of the door before going inside. These were the types of situations Derek least liked to face, the ones where he would be forced to be the adult one and ask the right questions. Straightening his spine and giving in, Derek couldn't prolong himself any longer than he already had; how much longer would Matteo need to sleep? The morning had already passed and the afternoon was coming to an end with the sun setting on the horizon and he was still there, standing in the middle of the hallway like an idiot, avoiding what was of vital importance.

Derek pushed the bedroom door, which was half-open, and stepped inside, in his own room, where he definitely shouldn't have taken Matteo to. He walked over to the bed and without making much noise, sat on the edge. Matteo was there, of course he was. He was snoring softly on his back and holding the pillow against his chest, the blankets were thrown onto the floor and the lower part of his belly was exposed, making Derek notice the sparse hair that continued in a trail towards his pants... Derek closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated. He didn't understand why this boy affected him so much, to the point of awakening these feelings that he thought were buried, especially for someone so young that could be mistaken for his son.

Even knowing all this, Derek moved a little closer and placed his hand on Matteo's head. First on his forehead, making sure he didn't have a fever and then, as a passing thought, he stroked his soft, long, slightly wavy black hair, combing it back so he could see his beautiful, flushed face. But Derek was a man of his word and before he could give in to temptation and do something he would regret, he moved away enough to avoid contact between them and called for Matteo, touching him on the shoulder until Matteo opened his eyes, heavily, as if he were going to fall asleep once more.

"I spoke to your parents.”

"Hm?" Matteo murmured, blinking slowly. He rubbed his eyes and sat up in bed, staring straight ahead as if he saw nothing, and then the boy looked at him, his gaze a little lost. Something happened next, because Matteo smiled at Derek, one of the sweetest expressions he had ever seen, Matteo stretched out one of his hands until it rested on Derek's, which was resting on the bed.

"Thank you. With all my heart. I don't know how to thank you. You didn't have to.”

Derek swallowed and nodded. Okay. Matteo was grateful and seemed to have recovered from his crisis. Was this the time to ask more questions? Try to provide some assistance? Take him to a doctor?

"You don't have to look at me like that. I promise I'm fine. It's the endorphins. My bad mood will come back soon. Don't worry.”

"Are you sure? Your mother sounded worried on the phone.”

"She worries too much. And I'm sorry about my dad.”

The fact was that Derek had not mentioned anything about the honorable Mr. Pagano. Let's just say it was better not to comment on him.

Matteo shrugged and dragged himself out of bed, stretching and lounging as he went, as if he’d just taken a mid-afternoon nap. This time, he didn’t stagger. He searched for his discarded sneakers in the doorway of the room and turned to Derek, now looking uncertain.

“Everything is fine?”

He wanted to say yes, he wanted to pretend nothing had happened. But... what if the same thing happened again and he was the one causing these crises?

"Matteo, sit with me. Please.”

"What? It was nothing.”

"I'm asking you.”

Matteo huffed and his shoulders slumped forward. The important thing was that he did what Derek asked. Matteo walked slowly over to him and sat on the bed, staring at him and paying attention.

“What happened today was very serious. Do you know that you stopped breathing? That you fainted and almost hit your head?”

"Well…" Matteo looked away and stared at his own hands.

“Tell me.”

"It's happened a few times over the years. It was an accident. I forgot to meditate and then I ended up maybe a little bit tense and overwhelmed. Mentally. Psychologically. Sometimes… It's hard.”

It had been exactly what Alice had said, that it was difficult.

"Does meditation help?”

"Most of the time. It’s about self-knowledge and control. Not letting yourself be carried away by any emotions. It’s about accepting that we have limitations and trying to deal with problems instead of… running away from them.”

"So, that's it? You were running away?" Derek asked, curious.

"I'm not running away anymore." That's when Matteo raised his head and looked him in the eyes, biting his lip. "I'm not going to do anything about it, but I'm not going to run away from it either.”

Hmm… was that really what he had heard? Matteo was saying that…

Without really paying attention to what he was doing, Derek leaned towards Matteo while Matteo simply continued to stare at him, his dark eyes opening wider and his pupils dilating comically; Derek felt like laughing and teasing him just a little bit more… just…

“That’s not what I meant! I—I have a boyfriend!” Matteo practically squeaked, though Derek could see Matteo’s lips twitch in a suppressed smile, widening without his consent. “I mean that I’m not going to let these… these feelings control me anymore.”

Derek knew very well what those feelings were.

"If this happens again, what should I do?”

"Just… talk to me? Don’t let me get hurt? It worked well.”

“Just that?”

"You don't need to worry, it won't happen again. I mean... if you want to fire me, I'll understand.”

"It’s not necessary.”

Matteo smiled at him and Derek finally let his tiredness get the best of him. He ruffled Matteo's hair and stood up.

"Let's eat. Then I'll take you home.”

This way, Matteo happily got up and followed him out of the room.