My head is dizzy with what just happened. I’m buckling my pants and Lex is wiping the side of his mouth. He then takes his finger into his mouth and sucks on it until he’s satisfied.

I’m still waiting for the blood flow to return to my brain, just gawking at him like a damn idiot.

“You are so darn cute, Thaddeus. It’s probably best I’m not your type. I would eat you alive.”

Fuck! He’s turning me down now? I mean it’s not like this was real, but I still have feelings you know.

“Yeah. You probably would.”

“Come on, baby. My crew is going to look out for you tonight because something tells me you’re gonna need it.”

Am I that obvious? This is so humiliating.

I should work to clear some distance when we leave the bathroom. I can barhop and avoid this guy and his group like the plague. They’re easy to spot in a crowd anyway.

I don’t give a response. One clearly isn’t needed.

On our way out of the bathroom I see myself in the mirror. There’s a big green lipstick kiss mark on my cheek from Sasha. For some reason, it makes me grin. I can’t deny that they’re fun company. I wouldn’t have seen the parade without them and now I can say I’ve had a second boyfriend.

My laugh slips out as we re-enter the crowd.

Suddenly, Lex shouts.

“No, Thaddeus! It’s just not going to work out. Your dick is simply too large to fit in my mouth. It can’t be helped. We can remain friends, but we have to part ways as lovers. It’s the only way.”

Holy shit, Lex!

My jaw drops and my eyes go wide. Is this his idea of an amicable break up?

He continues, taking my hand in his. “I know you’re the perfect guy and amazing boyfriend material. I hate that it had to be this way. One day you’ll find a man that can handle that huge beast between your legs and you’ll live happily ever after. I’ll be there by your side as a friend to console his sore ass.”

I’m caught somewhere between mortified and hilarity at the story he’s conjuring loudly for everyone to hear. I feel my face go hot and want to duck away, but he doesn’t allow it, pulling my hand to his heart.

“You’ll always have a special place inside me, but it will be my heart because my ass couldn’t contend with your King Kong cock.” There is where he loses it too and bursts into laughter.

It becomes clear by the clapping around us that he’s well-known and this entire ploy was a continuation of entertainment more than anything.

He takes a few bows. “Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to thank the academy for graciously giving me every opportunity that I of course earned with these luscious lips and not so tight little ass. A shout out also goes to my recent ex-boyfriend Thaddeus who is a killer kisser. Oh my God! Passion!”

A guy in short cut blue jean shorts puts a tray of Jello shots in front of Lex which shuts down his speech.

“Ooh, me likes!” He takes one in each hand and tosses them back. “Not as tasty as some other things I’ve had today,” he glances over at me, “but still scrumptious. Compliments to the chef!”

This guy is either three sheets to the wind or off the rails bonkers. How did I get mixed up with these people?

Oh yeah, Sasha.

They put their large burly arm around my shoulders. “How you holding up there, champ? I know breakups can be hard.”

It’s one hundred percent sarcasm, but I play along.

“I think I’ll be alright. It’s nothing a good rebound can’t fix.”

Sasha roars with laughter and Lex joins in. “Oh my gosh, yes! That’s the attitude. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Don’t worry. We’ll help you out. We’ll find you the perfect, semi-subdued, masculine piece of meat that will treat you with the respect you deserve.”

Sasha adds in, “then we’ll get him tanked, put you two in a room together, and what happens, happens.”

Lex finishes. “I love it! I’m making it my personal mission tonight. You are my focus, my muse, my mural on which I will paint a silhouette of sexually and relational compatibility that will make the world awe like a pair of puppies with little red bows was just presented in a basket before them.”

What the fuck is this guy on? He needs Prozac or something.

Fuck it.

“Okay. Why not?”

He lets out a loud squeal. “Eeek! Yes! Okay, drinks. Guys always look hotter when you’ve been drinking. That’s a damn good start. Here.”

He shoves a few more Jello shots into my mouth, not pausing for me to agree. It’s either down the gullet or wear them on my face. Although I’m sure the lipstick is fine, green food dye smeared over the mouth and chin surely wouldn’t be attractive.