I bury myself in my studies just like everyone else in the house. We have a set rule that there’s no partying or distractions for finals week or the week before them. In turn, once the week is over, we party, hard. Our place becomes a mecca of drinking and celebration for days on end. It’s a fair compromise.

I’m lucky and unlucky enough to have all my finals in the first three days. It means I have to bust ass to complete them all in the timeframe, but it also means I’m finished that much sooner.

While the rest of the house still stresses over their last finals for the semester, I can relax.

I’m sitting on the porch, smoking my bad habit when Jaye comes to the door. He’s hardly seen during finals week. What a rare treat.

“Hey, Kris. Was that the door?”

“It was me going out the door. Are you waiting for something?”

“I ordered Jimmy Johns. It reminds me of Thad, since it’s the last thing we ate together before I went finals MIA on him.”

Great.  On a plus note, it’s good to see that he’s eating. Usually, finals distract him enough that he gets caught up and forgets to eat.

I want to know and don’t what to know at the same time. I ask it anyway. “You really like this guy?”

He lights up like I’ve just set the starter to a fireworks display.

“Oh my gosh, yes! He is so terrific. He has the cutest smile and tiny dimples in his cheeks that come out when he smiles really big. It’s adorable.” He settles down. “You guys didn’t really get along though. I’m sure if you give him a chance that you’ll like him. He’s a good guy.”

I don’t want Jaye to think I don’t like his boyfriend. I need to be supportive to him or he’ll push me away when he needs me most.

My confession comes out dry. “I know he is.”

“What?” He pokes at my cheek. “Did you just say something nice about him?”

My grin is because there’s nothing sweeter than Jaye in all his playful, fun, beautiful splendor.

“Maybe. I mean, he stopped by after he dropped you off for class that day and … we talked.”

“What? He didn’t tell me that! What did you talk about? Was he trying to befriend you?”

Leave it to him to always think the best of a person. Jaye stands behind me and starts to braid bits of my hair. It’s cute as hell when he does that. It was one of the first things about him that showed me how loving he can be.

“Kind of. I guess he wanted me to know that he isn’t using you for sex.”

“Of course he isn’t. He’s a good one, Kris.”

Lifting my head to look up at him, I say. “Jaye. It’s just that I’ve heard it before. You think every guy is a good guy and most aren’t. We’re all a bunch of dogs and it’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

He places a finger on the end of my nose. “Aww, Kris. You aren’t a dog and neither am I and neither is Thad. But don’t worry. I’m not going to tell him that you secretly think he’s an okay guy.”

I can’t help but smile at him. He’s never discouraged. No matter what, he presses on like the sky is blue and the sun is bright. I don’t know how he does it. But of course he does right now; he’s on a high note. I know what happens when he dips.

Letting it go serious for a moment is important because I need him to know what I wouldn’t normally put to words. “You know I care for you, Jaye. I’m here for you no matter what.”

He places a tiny upside-down peck on my forehead. “I know that, Kris. I’m here for you too, even if you’re too cool to need it.”

If only he knew. I do need him. He’s what keeps me grounded to some sense of normalcy and to any humanity. There’s no telling where I’d be if I didn’t meet him when I did.

I wish I could kiss him. I would never, but I wish it all the time.

How lucky Thad is that he gets to hold him and kiss him. I bet even holding his hand satisfies a core human need that I don’t even know exists because I’ve never felt it. Without thinking, I reach back and grab his hand. The softness is perfect. It’s not too supple, but enough that it’s not rough in my own hand. I bring it down towards my face and get a hint of his smell. No, it’s not his smell. It’s Thad’s. I know Jaye is a hoarder of boyfriend clothes. He showed up with Thad’s undershirt the first night we met him. Now he probably has goodness only knows what other articles of clothing from the guy that he stores upstairs in his bedroom. That guy smells more masculine than the sweeter, gentler scent of Jaye. I don’t like it.

Dropping his hand, I explain. “I thought I smelled something burnt. Is Gerald lighting up in the room again?”

Gerald is Jaye’s roommate. He’s always stoned or drunk but somehow exceedingly functional even when mixing his drugs of choice.

Jaye brings his hand up to his own face and gives it a sniff. “Hmm, odd. I don’t smell it.”

“Oh well. Don’t burn the house down.”

Before walking away, he taps the end of my nose once more. It’s classic Jaye behavior. He’s so damn cute that it hurts. I want to grab his hand and drop him into my lap. I want to kiss his face and hold him close. I want to lie in bed with him doing nothing but staring at him or talking all night long. I want to watch him sleep while holding his hand knowing that as soon as he falls asleep, he tucks his thumbs into his palms involuntarily. I want to spoon with him and let his smell engulf me and fill my senses so that I dream of him. Mostly, I want him to be happy and that excludes me, at least in any romantic capacity.

Before he steps back inside, I comment. “I’ll bring your food to you when it arrives.”

“Thanks, Kris. You’re a good guy and I won’t tell anyone that either. It’ll be our little secret.”

He’s amazing … in every way.