*Discusses depression in passing, but without going into symptoms or specific struggles.*

Krys and I didn’t talk until we reached the start of the rainforest.

I tried to start a conversation with “How ya doin’?" and mentally cursed as silence filled the space between us again. How ya doin'? Are you fucking serious? Might as well as say howdy and fall into a ditch.

It was awkward as we walked further in, marking off a tree every twenty steps. I noticed a handful of others rustling nearby, which I think also held Krys back from saying anything. We marked twenty trees and were alone when I pulled on their hand. We both stared at it for a long time.

I glanced up to see their eyes misty and stuck in some memory. It must've been pleasant if they finally stopped frowning.

Rubbing my thumb across the back of Krys’ hand made me wonder what it was. Maybe they’re thinking of the time we tried to find names for our skin that were not food-related. Krys said we were too beautiful for that; they argued that we should only describe ourselves through flowers, although it was a bit difficult. 

My skin was so rich, Krys said the only thing that could describe me was the Black Barlow. I actually quite like it. It had been that or a Chocolate Cosmos, but as we agreed, nothing related to food, even in name. The Black Barlow it was. The flower is nearly black in color, usually with a purple-reddish quality. There’s the one particular photo Krys found, with just enough brown that I could see it as me, blooming in the wake of the sun. 

As for Krys, the answer was almost immediate for me: Hazel Fay, also known as Shocking Fay. The orchid ranges from orange to beige to brown. Krys is more like the golden side of the spectrum, although they can tan to a crisp brown in the summer. My sister always joked that we were like the Magnum ice cream logo when we were side by side. Yet, at the moment, even though we stand so close, it feels like there’s a gulf between us.

They still haven’t said anything, the minutes dragging between us.

“Krys.”

They shake their head no.

“Krys…” I unconsciously pull them closer as I sense the start of a meltdown. They flinched away, the action hurting far more than I expected.

"Don't.."

"Don't what, Krys? Care about you? I know we-" I had to choke back the frustration in my voice, but this fucking sucked. "I'm still here, Krys. And if you need a friend, I'm not going anywhere. I've always been here, Kay.”

“It's not fair to you! I'm the one who-” they began, shakily trying to breathe. 

"I don't care," I tried to whisper but wound up shouting. 

‘I-I, I’m, th-this is,” their entire frame shook as a sob erupted from their gut. “I'm so sorry!” I just held on to them. Offering the best comfort I could, smoothing down their ebony hair with one hand and back with the other. When their legs gave out, I collapsed with them. Somehow, Krys ended up in my lap and gripping my shirt, the two of us rocking side to side as the tears seemed never-ending.

“It’s okay, hun. It’s okay. I got you. I promise.”

I continued whispering whatever could come to mind, my hands never stopping even after I felt the tears easing up and their breath less sporadic. I felt their wet nose and lips on my neck as they shifted.

“Bri, I can’t do this.” I froze for a second, my heart threatening to shatter at the thought of them talking about our relationship. "I'm not built for high stress outside of academics."

My chest nearly gives out from the weight of my sigh. 

“Oh, Krys, that's...we can't know until we try.”

“This is our senior year, Bri. I just accepted my scholarship, and I got on anti-depressants that actually work. It was in the fucking bag. This was my year.” New tears came out in a fresh wave, hot against my skin. “Everything was finally looking up for me, and now it’s all gone. It’s all fucking gone.”

“You know how much people love a good sob story. Just wait til we get out of here,” I whispered against their hair. I couldn’t help but nuzzle my face against the crown of their head, trying to catch traces of home. “We already had all the credits we needed, top of the class, we'll be getting our diploma as soon as we arrive back. Mhmm,” I nodded, my voice steady enough to nearly fool my own self. “Universities will be jumping at the chance to accept us after our amazing essays of survival and determination. Think of the fame and god-awful biopics that will have actors who look so much better than us.” When I heard Krys’ wet laugh, I nearly sank in relief. I knew I had the back from the brink of a spiral. But not enough. “And oh. My. God. We will have amazing, I mean bestseller material for our autobiographies or memoirs.”

They sniffled for a few more moments. Their nose trailed up my neck as they slowly moved to look up at me. Krys’ dark brown, almost black eyes, shone like tumbled garnet, fragile hope in them.

“You really think so?”

Their locs were out of sorts, and I could not help but find amusement in their disgruntled state. Fixing the strands framing their face, I hum affirmatively.

“I do. We’ll find a way to stretch out your remaining medicine, and it’s possible they were other depressed bitches on the flight. You never know. Hell we might find something similar in the extra luggage. I’ll go on sunrise walks with you like we did back home. Once we find a stable food source, I’ll teach you Pilates to make sure you get some exercise. We can't go back looking completely busted. It’s great for increasing bone density and improving your heart and lungs. In return, you’ll teach me more about folklore.”

“Is that so? I get the physical exercise and pills, and you get to hear stories?”

“If you think about it, as a wise woman once sang, you get the best of both worlds.”

They relaxed their hand from a fist to an open palm against my sternum. I thought we got through the worst of it, but Krys' nose did that crinkle that shows up when they're still bothered by something. It felt like I was shut out again when Krys' closed and faced their head to the ground. 

"I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. I wanted you to get it out and-"

"No," they interrupted, brows furrowing as they shook their head. It took a second for them to continue, their voice hushed as if they worried another was listening.

"When I woke up, my first thought was, were you alive? I started to search for you, but Quinn got there first, and I told myself that it meant you were fine. But when you didn't come out after her-" 

I watched helplessly as Krys looked at my chest, gingerly brushing a hand across my collar and shoulders, then down to my arms as if I could break at any moment. Or like they couldn't believe I was real. I held still, unable to move, not because of their exploration but because of the sight of unshed tears shining in their eyes. "I thought you were..." Krys shook their head furiously, banishing the thought. "And I could only recall that I don't remember the last time I told you 'I love you'."

"Oh, Krys." The guilt sunk their head and shoulder down like a weighted blanket; they shrunk into themself until I could only see the crown of their head and fidgetting hands.

"No, I know the break was my idea-"

"Because you were sick," I interrupted. "And you didn't need that pressure-"

"And I told you to move on if you really found someone you liked," Krys continued, unable to see my head shaking at the idea.

"I didn't, Kay. I never wanted to."

"And I stopped saying it as frequently so you wouldn't feel burdened-"

"You aren't!"

"It didn't feel that way," Krys tried to get out, but their voice cracked. They finally meet my eyes again, eyes glistening at the tracks of tears start to mix. "But I don't want you to ever think that I don't."

"I know you do, mozi." The term broke Krys, and I found myself trapped in the steely grip of their arms. I didn't want to be anywhere else. 

"I thought if I waited for the right moment...if I was on the right medication, and had enough therapy, and worked on myself, I would be worthy of saying that again. That I would deserve hearing you say that again."

I pressed them closer to me, unable to find the words but hoping to squeeze out the doubt. Krys had never needed to worry about me knowing their feelings because I saw it in how they waited with my favorite snack, how they proofread my papers, and cheered on the sidelines. I never doubted, not once.

"I love you so much, Bri," they whispered. It was a weak croak, but by far, it was the best thing that's happened to me today.

"And I love you." 

When we pulled back slightly, our noses brushed and gently tapped by forehead against their's. I could practically count the freckles across their cheeks and the peach fuzz that was starting to grow back in. We could've kissed if we wanted to, but neither of us made the move. After the heavy pause, I brought their palm up to my lips, I pecked it once, closing my eyes as I took a bit of comfort from this moment.

As if a spell broke, we backed away from each other simultaneously. 

“Um," I began but had to cough due to the tightness in my throat. "We need to gather up, um, woody plants and branches. I think I spotted some mint along the way. It can be used as a mosquito repellent. Th-the mint.”

They stared at me for so long that I almost looked away before they nodded. “Sounds good.”

I noted how far we got and what I observed to avoid dumbly staring at Krys’ form. At some point, I grabbed leaves the size of a toddler, wrapped our piles in them, and tied them off with yarn. We return, repeating the processes until our arms are as full as the air between us. Before we reached the edge, Krys stepped in front of me. They had freed their arms, which allowed Krys to cross them over their chest as a hip popped out. Shit.

“Bri.”

“Yes?”

"I want you to know that I'll always support you in whatever you do..."

"But?"

"I don't want you to feel responsible for everyone or trying to fix. I know you can't help it because you're type A, but I don't want this to break that go-getter in you."

"I will do everything I can to help us survive."

"But at what cost, Bri? People love having someone to look to, but the moment you fuck up when you don't have answers and the facade of the all-knowing Oz drops...they will tear you apart without a second thought. And you'll take it lying down because you'd think you failed.”

Like I don't fucking know. I glued my eyes behind them as they took the pile out of my arms and placed it on the ground. One of Krys’ arms wrapped around me, the other pulling at my chin. My eyes meet theirs.

“But you already made up your mind," they continued with a watery smile. "I'm not going to stand here and waste my breath trying to stop you, but I will ask that you at least trust us enough to treat us like equals. You aren't the only one with ideas or skills, and you certainly won't be the only one who's willing to do whatever it takes."

This was the exact reason we worked so well. Krys just...got me, and I never had to doubt for a second that they'd keep it real with me.

"I love you, Bri. And I don’t want you left with nothing when you’re finished. We might be lost here, but we don't have to abandon ourselves and our principles in pursuit of surviving because what kind of life would that be?"

"I'm listening, Kay." 

"Promise me you won’t take on the whole world." They dig their chin in my chest as they glare at me. "Promise me.”

I don’t like blanketly agreeing to things, so I gave my best alternative:

“I prom.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“A half promise.” I see the reference click, and they roll their eyes.

“You’re not allowed to rewatch Celebrity Big Brother when we get home.”

“That’s cruel.”

“Can you at least rework the promise instead of being openly half-assed?”

“Fine. I promise to try and share the responsibilities with everyone.”

“I’ll take it. May I also get one of your legendary cuddles? I could use the good shit right now.”

I fake gasp. “You want me to dope you up?”

“Shut up and fucking hug me.”

We laugh as my arms tighten around them. It went on for a minute or so, and the insects and rusting trees were the music we faintly swayed to. Releasing them, I couldn't help but grin a little.

“Alright. Let’s go see what drama we missed.”