I feel I’m at an age where I can’t start new new drugs, or else it would absolutely fuck me up. Like five years ago when I was trying stuff out to see how I felt, no problem. Like I could beat addiction, but now it’s full-on living in the streets, rotten teeth, limp hair, but at least I’d be skinny. 

I had  just lost both of my jobs, about to lose everything, working my way just a little bit past the pandemic. I am pretty sure I had already applied to a thousand jobs. Hot and depressed, my friend came across a trip she absolutely believed we could afford. I thought I could afford it. I couldn’t. So I opened up another credit card. 

Let’s set the scene. 

Two Girls. A 2020 jeep wrangler. And a yacht party we couldn’t afford later. 

We got into this party, hyped. Made a beeline to the bar, for drinks we couldn’t afford. I’m loathing my entire existence, pounding down whatever was handed to me until I felt good enough to not give a fuck. 

I’m absolutely trashed, grinding on strangers when this girl comes up to us and ask if we wanted a sniff. I looked at my friend, and she looked at me back. We shrugged, each took a sniff. 

That’s the scary part of having a “If you do it, I’ll do it” friend. I don’t know how much I inhaled but on the drive home we both felt nothing. 

How do you fail at everything, including doing party drugs?

It was actually hilarious, we were on our way home and she asked, “Did you feel anything?”

I burst out laughing, ”No, but let’s not try that again”

We decided to try something a little more subtle. Some Mary Jane was right up our alley, she’d smoked before but it didn’t really have an effect but I think it’s because she did it without me. However, I don’t know where to get it or even how. The conversations don’t make sense to me. What is a spliff? But I’m determined, I’ll get it. 

I hit up a guy who’s been trying to fuck me for the longest. I think to myself, I could either pay him money or pay him in coochie. I chose money, but I didn’t think he’d charge me. I thought he liked me. 

“Hey, I got a question for you?” I could feel his excitement radiating from my phone. Could this be the link he’s been waiting for? Could he finally have a taste of heaven? It was nice to have a guy even if it was some guy from high school that I barely spoke to, be excited about the prospect of fucking me. But then again he’s a man, they would fuck anything. 

“Yeah, what’s up? Do you want me to come over?” he responded almost immediately. Hold on now eager beaver. 

“No! I just wanted to know if you could get me some weed,” I shut that down ASAP. Like relax sir, there’s nothing in your pants I want. 

“Yeah no problem, I can bring it over and we’ll smoke,”

“Uh uh, I’m not trying to smoke tonight, it’s for a party,” I roll my eyes 

“Oh okay, I’ll bring some over,” I smiled to myself “okay thanks”

…later that evening 

“I’m outside,” I get the ping and make him wait ten minutes, I’m still a lady afterall. 

I walk out to the front of my gate, and he gives me one of those lingering hugs. The one where he holds me a little too long and a little too tight, feels as much as he can before letting go and trying to have a conversation. 

I shut that down very quickly by asking if he has it, he hands it to me and asks again, “ you sure, you don’t want to hang and smoke for a bit.” I know he rushed over here with the hope that I would invite him into my place. But I’m not that horny, and I’m pretty sure he might have an STD. 

“No, I’m good,” I shake my head and grab it from him. “Alright that’ll be thirty,” he shoots back. “Thirty what?” I raise my eyebrows. “Thirty dollars.” I didn’t know he charged a delivery fee too. 

I rolled my eyes and asked for his cashapp. I can’t believe he charged me for this, if I wasn’t giving him pussy before, he definitely wasn’t getting it now. 

He got his money and left. It didn’t stop the “u up” and “can I come over?” texts though.

I’m tortured by my crotch of gold.