For a few moments, Li Xiulan was quiet. Two different paths emerged in front of her, and she had no idea which to take. The first, dig deeper and learn more about Song Fen, but potentially risk Song Fen’s comfort. The second, let it go and play it safe, but lose the chance to deepen their bond. She had been silent for far too long, she knew, the pause only growing the discomfort in the air, but her brain couldn’t quite seem to decide on the words to say.

“I don’t mind it being about you,” she finally said. “I mean, if you don’t mind. I want to know you. I’m not a part of the sect, so I don’t know what the rules are about visiting family or anything. I’m sorry if it was an insensitive question.”

Song Fen tugged on her lower lip with her teeth, worrying away at a spot that was already ragged and red. Li Xiulan wanted to reach out and place a hand on her lip to stop her before she broke the skin, but she restrained herself, letting Song Fen take the time she needed to respond.

“T…t-here aren’t really any official rules. My parents live just at the edge of the city, so it would be easy to visit them.” Song Fen rubbed her hands down the sides of her robes, smoothing out the wrinkles in the bunched-up fabric. “It’s more about… what people say about me when I do. You know they’re not exactly fond of me. If I stay at the Pavilion, they keep talking, but I’m not always their favorite topic. If I leave, all the talk becomes about how I can’t even handle the pressures of training, or how I’m trying to use my parents to manipulate my brother into giving me more, and everything just gets worse. It was t…t-oo much for me, so I stopped giving them things to talk about.”

Before Li Xiulan could get out the apology that was already forming on her lips, Song Fen laughed quietly.

“After all these years, my parents stopped asking after me. So I never did get the chance to learn about their flowers. And, at this point, I don’t know if I will. It was a silly topic, I know.”

It’s not silly, Li Xiulan wanted to say. She wanted to apologize, or to give Song Fen a hug, or do anything to stuff this whole conversation back in her ridiculous mouth. 

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think that was a great thing to write about,” Li Xiulan said instead. She smiled despite the ache in her chest and the feeling of you messed it all up and tried her best to pretend she hadn’t.

“You think?” Song Fen responded, eyebrows raised in surprise. Li Xiulan laughed.

“Of course. Any topic you can write about with passion is a good topic.” She pushed herself to her feet, stretching out her legs after being stationary for so long. “Anyway, you probably have better chances than me. I’m certain my poem will be hell to read.”

Song Fen stood up beside her. “Ridiculous. I’m sure you write beautifully.”

By this point, most of the scholars had already left and people were beginning to file in to collect the discarded papers and replace the ink. Li Xiulan was grateful for the distraction; anything to try to salvage some semblance of lighthearted conversation. With a sigh, she gestured toward the hallway full of rooms.

“Want to go wait for the results in my room?”

Song Fen nodded, probably also grateful to have an excuse to switch topics, and the two of them walked off, dodging people carrying armfuls of paper. They managed to make it to Li Xiulan’s room without colliding with anyone. Li Xiulan grabbed the key from inside her waistband and opened the door, letting Song Fen in. Song Fen went over to the window and looked out into the stone garden.

“Oh, look! It was t...t-oo dark to see this yesterday. It’s a beautiful garden, isn’t it?”

Li Xiulan walked over to her side and looked through the window. Even though it had been bright enough to see earlier in the morning, she had been so rushed that she hadn’t even thought to take a look. Right outside of her window was a stone statue of a rabbit. The rest of the garden was neatly kept, stones swirled into calming, repetitive patterns around small bushes. Li Xiulan had only ever seen places like these in her books, and it was more beautiful than she had imagined.

Seeing that she was crowding Song Fen, she walked away from the window to give Song Fen some space and sat down on the floor. After having already sat for so long that morning, her legs protested at her, but she ignored it. “Wanna come sit down?” she asked. Song Fen shook her head.

“I’d like t...t-o look at the garden a little longer, if you don’t mind,” she said. Her eyes were still firmly planted on the statue. Li Xiulan could acknowledge that the garden was beautiful and well-maintained, but she didn’t quite understand the appeal. Even so, she shrugged.

“Of course. You can do whatever you’d like.”

As Song Fen stared out the window, Li Xiulan thought back to that morning when Hou Jin had confronted her in the dining hall. She knew that he was the sect leader’s son and a jerk at that, but she hadn’t expected him to back down so easily. Whoever that man was that stopped him, I should try to get on his good side, she thought. But even if he stopped Hou Jin from fighting her, he still didn’t stop him from breaking the rules and wearing his own clothes. Li Xiulan clicked her tongue. How self-important.

Song Fen heard the noise and turned to Li Xiulan, seeing that her face was scrunched up in annoyance. “T...t-hinking about something?” she asked.

Li Xiulan looked up, not realizing that she had made that noise out loud. She waved her hand in dismissal. “Ah, not really. Just thinking about Hou Jin.” Song Fen made a disgusted face.

“It’s better you didn’t. He’s always been t...t-hat way. He’s not worth a second thought.”

“Did you see him today, though? He was breaking the rules. Even for the son of the sect leader, surely that’s not allowed!”

Song Fen sighed, crossing her arms. “I wish. Hou Jin can get away with practically anything, as long as he’s in White Snake t...t-erritory. That’s the privilege he has.”

Li Xiulan rested her chin on her hand, gazing at the door. In her imagination, the world of cultivation had always been one of chivalry and manners. Who would have thought that the son of a sect leader could be so despicable? Not only that, but that rudeness was supported wherever he went, so long as it was ruled by his sect! What unjust treatment!

Song Fen noticed Li Xiulan’s anger and came to sit down beside her. “Don’t spend t...t-oo much time thinking about it. It’s just the way things are. It’s the same no matter where you go.”

Li Xiulan turned her gaze away from the door. “Is it really the same? Surely there are some sects that value fairness?”

“Mmm… maybe there are some… but t...t-hey must be far away. I’ve traveled a good amount and I’ve never seen a truly righteous sect.” Song Fen shrugged. “But… I’m also biased. I’m a member of the White Snake sect, after all, and we’re probably the worst offenders. Maybe I just want to think the other sects are as bad as us.”

Li Xiulan didn’t respond. It seemed there really was a lot about the cultivation world that she had failed to learn from her books. Was this part of why her mother and father had wanted to keep her away from the White Snake sect?

Without Li Xiulan carrying on the conversation, Song Fen could only sit awkwardly in silence, unsure of what to say. She began to wonder if she had said something wrong before Li Xiulan finally took a deep breath.

“Well, that’s fine. I’ll just have to join the sect and change some things.”