A Lot has happened throughout the year and it has been a rather difficult challenge for me. Back in July, i told you guys i was leaving the net for a time about my mental health..... that was partially true.....a lot has transpired over the year and it has affected me as a person and as an artist. So much so that.... i honestly consider leaving..... for good. So much has happened I can't function properly without having a panic attack or be shaken to my core that i can't go to minutes without my hands shaking uncontrollably or having a panic attack whenever i try to draw or write about anything. What i am going to share to you guys are some.... pretty heavy topics. If you don't want to read what i am going to share, that's perfectly fine. The TLDR version will mostly be i don't plan on returning any time soon or at all. Even in 2025 i probably still won't return due to the trauma i have endured for the past few months. I am seeing a therapist but I still won't likely return. And even if I do, I won't be the same person as you knew. And if I don't.... this is likely Goodbye to all of you. 

A few years back, a friend here on Tapas invited me to join a Discord server. It was a group of other talented and amazing people here on Tapas. At first we were a small group but later down the line, we started getting more and more members by the day. A lot of these authors on Tapas I came to grew a friendship with them. But the friend that invited to this server..... i grew more .... affectionate toward them. They motivated me to keep going with my novel here on tapas and even drew fanart of it. I did so in return by making some of our characters crossover with each other. Some of you may have seen them but they are no longer posted on here or on my socials and we'll get to that eventually. The server was going great and eventually, I was made into a moderator on said server. But then ... on May of 2024, the server was disbanded. i will not go into details about what happened but essentially the head moderators had a few disagreements with each other. This was happening behind the scenes when I wasn't around. The next thing I knew, it was disbanded and the friend that brought me into the server, the one that helped me out when I needed them the most..... has sided with the one that disbanded the server. 

I was left in shock. The next thing I knew, they were posting art of the person who disbanded it like they did nothing wrong. And I left in a shock state. i couldn't say anything towards them because I didn't want our friendship to end on a bad note. i thought if we stayed close... things would be better. But the more they supported the one who disbanded the server, the more my heart was choking itself to death. I couldn't take it anymore so I decided to make the announcement of leaving for a while. For a time, I thought things would get better and even planned on coming back this year with tons of projects to do but.... after some time..... all of them are canceled. And to give you guys an idea of what I was planning on doing, the following list was planned I was hoping to do in 2025 but now.... I don't think they'll ever come to fruition. 

Starting my own YouTube Channel

Revamping my Patreon and Ko-Fi

Finally Open Commission
Live Streaming Full Time on YouTube and Twitch
Start making Animation for the series and other series I follow 

And Finally finishing Volume 1 of The Dark Children of the Night by the end of the year and starting the official comic

When I bought my new laptop, I thought I finally got the chance to do bigger projects than what I could but with the events that transpired... i doubt I would ever get to them or at all. But when I saw my dear friend siding with the person who disbanded the server...my heart and my soul sank 6 feet under. I didn't write or draw anything because of them. Even now as I write this, I can't go without two minutes with tears swelling up in my eyes or having a panic attack. When the server was disbanded, so did my sanity and happiness. After the announcement, I made of going away... i called my friend one last time and I tried to confess my feelings towards them. But the first thing I heard.... was that "they were glad the server was gone." After that, I hung up and blocked them. My heart sank even further down than it already did and I burned the last bridge between me and them. But to be honest, I doubt they even noticed.... even cared it was burned away. But to be frank with you guys.... I wish I was left on the burning bridge itself and when it finally collapsed, I wished it would take me to whatever abyss lay below it.

After blocking them, I was left in turmoil about what I did. I barely slept at all and I would wake in the middle of the night of seeing my friend now hating me after I blocked them. I even began having panic attacks whenever I tried to go on my new laptop, thinking I could overcome this but I couldn't go two minutes without being on my laptop and immediately get a panic attack from simply opening Microsoft Word to write or Medibang to draw. I would fall onto my floor afterward and I would lay there for about an hour to try to calm myself down or even cry out my emotions. Eventually after calming down, I would close down my laptop and I would swear to barely touch it again. Even now as I write this to you guys, I can barely hold it together without the sense of the panic attack coming up or the swelling of my tears blinding me. Some would say "try not to dwell on it" or "best to forget about it and move on from it" ..... but how can you move from that? 

How can you move on from something like that and try to not to dwell on it when said dwelling won't let you? I thought things could finally be better by the time September and October rolled around.... but it didn't. The memories of the group from the discord server still torments me ....especially of my friend......Even though I blocked them and tried so hard to forget about them... i just couldn't. Sometimes I would take long walks to the middle of nowhere to scream my entire frustration out. I would scream until I lost my voice or punch the ground continuously until my knuckles bled out. No matter what, I was trapped in my own misery. Which is why I am probably leaving.... on tapas, on discord, and Instagram. And it's one of the main reasons why I am writing this to let you all know if I don't ever come back, this will be your notice on why I am not here anymore. If you try to message me on Discord or Instagram just to tell me to continue the story for the sake of it, that won't likely happen. When the server was disbanded.... so too did my motivation and drive to do so.  Everyone that was a part of that server was my main motivation to press on and continue my story but without them..... it just doesn't feel the same anymore. No matter how much I interacted with them, they kept pushing me to go forward.... but when it disbanded......I was left in a shattered mess. Even now, I can't function or write/draw like I used to. i start shaking whenever I go near my laptop or my discord notifications go off... I mostly mute it or pretend it's not there. But honestly, I'm just torturing at this point ... just waiting for something good to happen at least once. But nothing ever does. It has taken me a lot for me to come back on to my laptop and just write out ... what is probably the last time you'll hear from me that I may be leaving for good on the net. 

Mainly cause there's not much left for me to hold on to or even find that strive to continue my novel anymore. I'll leave it up but I doubt I'll continue it. Because the server I was in helped motivate more on where I was planning to go with the novel and eventually start on the comic..... but when the server disbanded and my friend that brought me into it and chose the wrong side..... I couldn't felt a bigger betrayal than that. They then went off to make their own server and basically act like nothing ever happened....I could no longer support them nor could stand for but.... i didn't want to bad mouth them either because I really cared about them. The best solution I was hoping for was just to disappear from their life like I never existed. I don't know why they chose a different path, but whatever they decide to do, I can't be part of their life anymore. As their friend or supporter. Whatever they decide to now, is now on them. 

What I have to say to them now is meant for them. I will be using an alias name for them. And if any former member of the server is reading this... I ask that you do not call them out or exploit any hate or rage at them. Nothing good will come of it if you get angry at them for my sake. Nor do I want you guys to find out who this person is and send hate messages and harass them because you might blame for why I am leaving but please don't start a witch for this person.  The only thing I wish to do now is finally move on with my life. And sending hate to someone that might caused it won't fix anything. Hate will only lead to anger and eventually pain and suffering. And I don't want that for anyone.

"Dizzy, I don't know why you chose this path, but I just want you to know that we spent together, was a memorable experience I wouldn't trade for the world. The time we spent time geeking out from our favorite animes to even sharing details about characters and story events that we haven't released yet,  to even drawing our characters in each others universe. We had hilarious times with our characters doing insane RPing in the server, and no matter what, I enjoyed every moment. As long as I was doing stuff with you at the server or even just chatting with you, ever moment meant real to me. Even if we just chatting through a screen. as long we had fun chatting, drawing, and writing about characters, nothing else matter. But then.... you decided to go on a different path... and that is sadly ... a path I can't go with you. And I mean that with sincerity. I don't know why you chose to side with the person who basically disbanded the server.... but you made your choice... I can't argue with you. But I can't support you and be your friend in that endeavor. That is a path you have to walk on your own... without me by your side. The past years we've known each other was the best I could ever asked for... but that is something I can be with you on... along with my feelings towards you as well. What you do from now on... is on you. And ... i wish you luck on it."

To everyone else who was also part of that server and who has been with me during my tapas journey, all I have to say is thank you. Thank you for being with me for the best and worst times of my life. And to every author and reader that I met, you guys become a part of me as much as I became a part of you. Every last one of you guys helped me grow and be a part of something that was bigger than myself. But I don't know if I'll ever continue with what happened in 2024. I either need time to rethink about my life or perhaps move on to something else. Writing and drawing became my passion in 2018, when I had a very junky laptop, an idea, and no experience in advertising myself or my work. i just kept pushing through thick and thin to make every chapter and new art work I make count... but with the events that transpired ... it made me lose apart of myself and the passion that I loved so much... I doubt I'll find it again or any time soon. i doubt I could pick up the pen again and just draw and write like nothing happened....

... but I can't...

Maybe things will eventually get better... maybe things will turn out for the better .... but I won't find them here. Someday... I'll find myself again. Maybe I'll find that motivation again or maybe I'll leave it all behind me.... whatever the case is, it was fun while it lasted. Maybe I'll see you guys again or not. But if I don't, take care guys. I'll see you guys again on the flipside.