Chapter 1
Feb 04, 2025
Creator
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As requested (a long time ago), here's some feedback.
I'm very intrigued with everything that happened and about Aurora. This is a good setup that serves as a good introduction of the character. You also know how to build suspense in a subtle way, like when the intruders are about to come inside.
However, I think you over-describe a lot, which could be very tiring for readers. Try to tone it down, focusing on just one essential element each time rather than write every single detail. Too many words can risk the text turning into purple prose, breaking immersion. And get rid of adverbs, they are a writer's worst enemy hahahaha.
You also could have a lot more "show" rather than "tell" to help with immersion. For instance, instead of saying that "My Little Rabbit" was her brother right away, have Aurora answer the call saying "What's up, little brother?" or something fitting for her unique voice.
Of course, this is all my subjective opinion and I think you are on the right track to improve. Keep going and you'll eventually become more experienced and be able to notice these areas for improvement a lot easier.
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