I ask him "Do you know where the toilets are?" I take a last sip, of his weird but delicious drink and walk in the direction he was pointing. There it is, I open the door and go into the first cabin. As soon as I close the door, tears start running down my cheeks. I try to stop them, but I can't control them. I don't even know what triggered me, but now that I lost control, there's no stop. I fumble in my pockets, there it is, I finally found it, my scalpel. I pull up my sleeve. I know that it isn't healthy and that I should stop, but as soon as the blade hits my skin, the thoughts of reason disappear. My tears stop and I feel relief as the pain hits my brain. I know that this feeling won't last long and isn't a long time solution, but it is the only reliable solution I have and it works really fast , even when it slowly gets less effective. A small amount of blood flows out of the wound, I watch it dry.

A constant knocking breaks me out of my trance. 

Whit a high pitched voice I scream "What's the problem?" And open the door, not thinking about what condition I'm still in. My face is read and covered in dried tears, my sleeve is pulled up, showing my still fresh wound and the other scars, the scalpel still in my hand. On the other side of the door stands Dean, he only takes one look at me and seems to understand the situation. He doesn't say anything, he just hugs me, my blood stains his pullover, but he doesn't back away. We stay in this position, for another 5 minutes, until he releases me and tells me with a warm voice 

"I'll let you clean up and meet you at our table. But I will take this" he take the scalpel out of my hand "with me.". 

I didn't even realized that I still held on to it.