"Silly youths don't seem to know that my kingdom
Is not quite the same as others around here. They might think it's as simple as attacking our towers, but
Listen. You can't just attack our towers head on. That's against the rules here. And, is punishable by death. I am aware Sweet and Sour Kingdom is a
Lawless kingdom where anything is allowed, but around here, that's not allowed at all. Most
Youthful demons who attack my kingdom end up losing.
Yes, we're towards the bottom
Of the top ten, but that's not because of losses. It's
Uh, as the foreigners have told me, because we're 'too old fashioned and can't rise to the top.'
Now, I know, I can't quite
Get with the times! I'm aware
I am one old coot. But, I'm
Not doing anything wrong. Our kingdom's warfare relies heavily on engaging with our environment.
Searching for treasure. And then a costume contest, then a board game. A big board game that stretches
Down the entire bastion.
Of course, I pity those who think just because we're old fashioned means were do
Not deserve to be in the
Top ten, but we earned our place here. We almost never lose. I
Know, I know, that sounds impossible since we're a
Nonviolent kingdom, but there's a few
Others like us, such as our neighbors in Pie Plaza.
Which is run by the youngest ruler of all. The
Way he runs things is quite different from
How we do things, but how we do things is as
Acceptable as theirs.
There's no true way to run a kingdom. No two are run the
Same. Anyway, we intend to show this
Childish ruffians a lesson
On how things work around her in Pumpkin City.
Most people never make
It to the board game since they.
Never seem to understand the rules. And, I'm
Guessing that's how this will go, too."
Reaching a cemetery filled to the brim with floating gummy worms everywhere and other ghostly candies, Spook Lord Fawn had got her shovel ready. It had been, what was it that the youths always said, a hot minute, since she had engaged in kingdom warfare. How long had it been now? She had stopped counting. Kraken accompanied by a hydra girl with buffalo chicken for wings, and some plant demon with a yellow burger dress, she knew this would go like it always would.
Toot, toot, toot.
Kingdom Warfare Start.
Round One: Search for the magical bone pumpkin.
Winner gets to destroy a total of ten towers.
"You hear that?!" Chili Dog Kraken cried. "We'll find that bone pumpkin in these graves and kill the last of your ten towers!"
"We'll see about that," Candy Corn Hare said. "Also, I know your dead teammates are here. Just so you know, foreign ghosts are expelled immediately."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, curses!" the ghost of Sour Yogurt Dragon said, poofing away.
"You cheat!" Jalapeno Burger Plant cried. "Now we're outnumbered, thanks a lot!"
"Bro, you literally destroyed half of our towers by blowing junk up in the chasm," Spider Cracker Birdo retaliated. "That's breaking Kingdom Warfare Rules. You're the only cheat here."
"Rules for thee, but not for me!" Buffalo Wings Hydra cried. "Whatever, let's get digging! We'll find that bone pumpkin and beat yo sorry old coot lord to the ground!"
Ready? Get digging!
Everyone digging away, a lot of surprises had laid waste for all of the opposing demons. Little birdies underneath the graves, they had been flown across the wind. Youths, what was the world the youngins used these days? Yapping along? That was it, yeah. Spry demons adding their failures to the mix one after another, she shook her head. Ah, youth, how reckless they were.
Dashing towards the center headstone, the Spook Lord Fawn had begun digging up a storm. Skeletal pumpkin soon reached, she rose it upwards towards the sky. Ah, there it was. She swore she had asked Gummy Worms Lop to rearrange the cemetery before the next Kingdom Warfare broke out. Had she forgotten to tell him? Her bad.
The bone pumpkin has been found. Winner: Pumpkin City team.
Towers they get to destroy by default: ten.
"Ugh, Gummy Worms Lop!" Chocolate Elf Archduke cried.
"Yes?" Gummy Worms Lop asked.
"I thought we told you to rearrange the cemetery every few months to make sure the bone pumpkin wasn't in the same place!"
"Sorry, gummy worms sickness got me good." He faked a cough as he said such, worms wrapping around him.
"Bro, you can't keep using that excuse every time," Spider Cracker Bro said, crossing his arms across his waist.
"Um, yeah, it's getting kind of old," Candy Apple Woofer said, voice shaking.
"Oh, my lord, like, it's not an excuse, though?" Gummy Worms Lop responded, in an annoyed tone. "It's literally true, look, see? Wrapped around me again!"
"Either way, we, along with milord have told you countless times to rearrange the cemetery every month," Candy Corn Hare reminded him. "Do your job, broski."
"Maybe. Can't promise that." He shrugged as he said such.
Toot, toot, toot.
Next round: costume contest at Corn Maze Hall.
Whichever group matches the theme the closest gets to destroy between five to ten towers.
"A costume contest?!" Chili Dog Kraken cried. "This is the most pathetic kingdom warfare I've ever seen! We'll win!"
"That's right, we'll win!" Jalapeno Burger Plant cried. "Hurry up and transport us to Corn Maze Hall, you old coot!"
Waving her wand, the pool sleeping pumpkin would not budge. Shrugging, she turned towards the elf archduke. Youthful demon groaning, a blinding light had soon engulfed them all. Soon in front of a stage surrounded by an expansive corn maze, the usual judges had been seated at the panel.
Round Two: costume contest.
Theme: gummy worms.
Slap, slap, slap.
"Uh, you've got to be kidding me!" Chocolate Elf Archduke. "Gummy worms?!"
"Ha, this kingdom is cooked!" Jalapeno Burger Plant shouted. "Bye bye, tower!"
Boom, boom, boom.
Towers unlawfully destroyed: six.
Towers remaining on enemy side: ten.
"You're just asking to be killed, aren't you?" Candy Corn Hare asked. "Violations are punishable by death here!"
"We ain't scared of no penalty!" Chili Dog Kraken cried. "See you on the losing stage!"
Timer ticking down, the Spook Lord Fawn headed for the trailer in the deep depths of the maze. Ah, yes, gummy worms. Wait, hold on, gummy worms? What a strange costume theme. She swore the youth were truly beginning to pull her leg more and more lately. Slipping into a one piece gummy worm costume with stickers all over it after Gummy Worms Lop coached the other four and she, everyone else had slowly, but surely, finished getting ready.
Everyone going on stage, she watched as the Sweet and Sour Kingdom did not even try. The lord could hear them growl under their breath as they had gotten zero after zero. She could see the looks on their faces twist. Did they think that this wasn't a serious contest or something and they would just be handed the win? Shameful.
Slithering on the stage like the worm she was burrowed into, she could feel herself almost getting younger. Tens across the board, everyone clapped. Teammates getting similar scores, the sirens were about to screech out into the open once more at full speed. But, she could hear naysayers in the background.
Winner of round two: Pumpkin City.
Towers that can be destroyed: five.
"I told you I knew what I was doing," Gummy Worm Lop said. "E-z theme."
"Stupid worm knows how to be a worm!" Chili Dog Kraken cried. "Do over!"
"No do overs," the judge said.
"Why I ougtha!" Chili Dog Kraken snapped her fingers as she said such.
Boom, boom, boom.
Unlawful towers destroyed: eighteen.
Two remain.
Reaching the bastion, Spook Lord Fawn could feel her joints begin to creak. Ah, this old body of hers couldn't hang on much longer today. But, oh well, that didn't matter. This board game will prove to bring her out on top, like it always did. Announcer screaming to start their engines, the tiny little cardboard carriages had been off to the races.
Enemies falling flat on their faces, the lord snapped the reigns. She could feel her energy raise its maximum as her game board steeds pushed her forward. Landing on the advance this space, advance to that space, she laughed a bit under her breath. And, her citizens told her it was time to get a car. Not this old coot!
Finish line across the board merely ten spaces away, her horse whinnied. Racing towards the finish, the victory horns had begun to play. Hopping off her good old wooden stallion, her teammates turned towards one another, shrugging. Final two towers crumbling into nothing, the victory bells sounded.
Starved.
Alert, alert, unlawful destruction of towers reported. Summoning the Apple Cider Reaper.
Slice, slice, slice.
Cleavers taking the Chili Dog Kraken from behind, the sharp shears cut away, in an instant. Bright red pool dropping down onto the floor, one last scream had come out of the former demon's mouth as her soul floated above her. But, the spook lord cared not. Should have followed the rules. Some youngins wouldn't learn until they learned the hard way.
"You'll paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, you cheaters!" Chili Dog Kraken's soul shouted. "You didn't fight fair! I'll get revenge!"
Remaining enemies retreating, Spook Lord Fawn turned towards her teammates. Maybe the enemies were right. Things within their kingdom warfare had been kept the same old fashioned way for awhile. She knew how everything worked, was that cheating? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Who knows?
"Milord, let's go watch over the festival now," Chocolate Elf Archdule cried. "Hurry up, we're late!"
"Archduke," Spook Lord Fawn said.
"What, milord? Didn't I tell you to hurry up?!" Chocolate Elf Archduke asked.
"This old coot thinks it might be time to make some changes to our warfare." She cracked her back as she said such.
"I keep telling Gummy Worms Lop to do his job, but he won't!" Chocolate Elf Archduke cried. "That's why everything was so easy today! Because he forgot!"
"Alright, dearie, I'll talk with him after the festival, okay?" Spook Lord Fawn said in a quiet tone.
"You'd better!"
Watching over the festivities, Spook Lord Fawn let out a tired sigh. No matter how many millennia were to pass, she could never get bored of the Ultimate Scare Festival. Were she to retire one day, she would make it so this never goes away. Returning to her mansion in the late evening, she and the lop had a talk.
Discussing in length to take his job as a member of the city state government seriously, she had gotten the usual whatever. Shrugging, she returned to her bed chamber for the evening. Ah, same as always. But, she couldn't ever bring herself to fire this young demon. He'll mature one day, and look back on this with disdain. They all do.
Snuggling underneath her covers, she could feel herself grow tired immediately. How she missed being able to stay awake passed witching hour like in her youth. But, that time had been far long gone by now. Owls hooting outside, she closed her crusty old eyes. It was time for some shut eye. Tomorrow was a brand new spooktacular day to look forward to. Catching some zes, she let one last thought escape.
She'll continue to rule this kingdom the old fashioned way.
Probably.
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