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Dear Diary,

I thought Loki was bad.

But today?

Today, I had to “therapize” Gotham’s most infamous eco-terrorist, while her criminal psychiatrist girlfriend sat in the corner critiquing my every move.

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Session Begins (Or, More Accurately, Chaos Ensues)

Ivy walked in first—tall, stunning, with an aura of deadly confidence—dressed in her usual leafy ensemble, arms crossed, expression unreadable.

Harley followed—bouncing, grinning, and already talking before I could get a word in.

"Alright, Doc, here’s the deal!" Harley plopped into a chair, swinging her legs over the armrest. "Red here’s been feelin’ a little down lately—y’know, ‘cause of reasons—so I figured, ‘Why not get her some outside help?’ I mean, I could do it, but hey! Let’s give the newbie a shot!”

I stared. "Harley…why didn’t you do the therapy, then?"

She beamed, all teeth and chaos. "Oh, I did! But Ivy said my methods were ‘too aggressive’ and ‘involve too many baseball bats.’”

Ivy sighed. “I told you, Harls. Beating up my enemies is not a form of therapy.”

"Eh, agree to disagree."

I took a deep breath. "Alright, Ivy. What’s been on your mind?"

Ivy hesitated. Then, after a long moment, she said, “I think… I might be too much sometimes. Like… my anger. My ideals. Everything. And I worry that even the people I love will eventually—”

"OKAY, FIRST MISTAKE!"

Harley slapped the armrest, cutting Ivy off mid-sentence.

I blinked. "Excuse me?"

Harley sat up, grinning. "See, Red’s about to pour her heart out, and what do you do? You let her hesitate! That’s a big no-no! Hesitation means doubt, doubt means insecurity, insecurity means bad therapy! Ya gotta push, Doc!"

I looked at Ivy. “Do you feel pushed right now?”

She shrugged. “I mostly feel mildly irritated.”

Harley threw up her hands. “Ugh, this is gonna be so much work.”

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Muddling Through Therapy While Under Harley’s Constant Supervision

Me: “Ivy, your fear of being ‘too much’—where do you think that comes from?”

Harley: leaning forward “Ooooh, textbook question. Bit cliché, but I’ll allow it.”

Ivy: “I suppose it started when I realized how differently I saw the world. People destroy nature without a second thought, and yet I’m the villain for caring?”

Harley: nodding “Good, good, Red. Get angry. Anger is honest.”

Me: “But do you think that anger makes it hard to—”

Harley: snapping her fingers “Wrong! Too soon for introspection! You gotta let her stew in it first.”

Me: rubbing my temples

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The Breaking Point

Somehow—miraculously—we got through an actual discussion about Ivy’s struggles. How she felt misunderstood, how she worried about losing herself in her ideals, how her emotions felt like both a strength and a curse.

And then:

Harley threw an arm around her. “See, Red? You’re not too much. You’re perfectly Ivy.”

Ivy actually smiled. “Thanks, Harls.”

I let out a relieved sigh. “Well, I think we made some real progress—”

Harley clapped her hands. “Yeah, despite your total lack of technique! Listen, Doc, you got potential, but you’re flailin’ like a first-year intern at Arkham.”

I scowled. “Well, sorry I didn’t go to villain therapy school.”

Harley grinned. “Good news, toots!” She leaned in, eyes twinkling. “I can train ya.”

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Wait… What?!

Me: “Wait, what?”

Harley: “You heard me, Doc! I’m gonna whip ya into shape. Teach ya how to really get into a client’s head—Gotham style.”

Me: skeptical “And by ‘Gotham style,’ you mean…?”

Harley: “Y’know, a lil’ intimidation, a lil’ mind games, a whole lotta personal space invasion—real classic techniques!”

Ivy: deadpan “She’s joking. Probably.”

Me: staring at Harley “Are you?”

Harley: grinning “Nope!”

Me: internally screaming

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Session Notes (I Need a Raise)

Client: Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy), with unlicensed commentary from Dr. Harleen Quinzel (Harley Quinn).

Issue: Feeling like she’s too much for the world. Struggles with finding balance between passion and extremism. Also, possible mild exhaustion from babysitting Harley.

Plan: Continue helping her unpack her emotions… without Harley grading my every move like I’m in a Gotham version of “Therapist Idol.”

Additional Concern: I now have Harley Quinn as an unsolicited therapy coach.

Final Thought:

I don’t know if I’m about to become a better therapist or just descend into Gotham-style madness.

Either way… I’m scared.