I settle in across from Mell at a nicer restaurant than the cafe we went to a week ago. My heart is threatening to pound out of my throat and I keep reminding myself I’m safe with him. If he didn’t like me he wouldn’t have asked me out again and told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. Things will be fine.

Lola was excited when I told her we were going on another date, helping me pick out an outfit. It’s a flowery and flowy mid-length dress with leggings underneath for the chilly weather and a pair of leather boots I picked up from a shoe store. She did my makeup but I didn’t wear my wig today. It overwhelmed me last time to have it on for so long and I’m trying to figure out what I’m most comfortable with. So far I feel more comfortable with the wig.

“You look great,” Mell says with a grin. He looks as chipper as he sounds. I feel my face heat up as I smile nervously down at the table, not having the courage to look him in the eyes. “I’m paying tonight so feel free to get what you want.” 

“Oh! Thank you…” My voice trails off as I scoot my chair in. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t sweat it,” Mell leans back in his seat, the grin still plastered to his face. “I got it.” He looks up as a waiter hands us our menus. “Thank you,” He says politely to him.

The two of us take a moment to look over the menu in silence before picking out our orders, and then I look back up at Mell as I fold my menu closed. “So last time we talked you got to ask me about my dance, but I never got to ask you about your boxing,” I say with a shy smile, crossing one leg over the other and leaning my chin on my hand as I look at him. “What made you want to do that?”

“I was a crazy kid with too much energy,” Mell laughs, running his finger idly around the rim of his unfilled wine glass, “Mom threw me in boxing classes to get that energy out and it just stuck. It’s my passion.”

“Oh, that’s cool! Does she come to your fights?” I ask curiously. 

“She comes to every single one of my matches,” Mell responds proudly. “I can usually hear her screaming and cheering from the ring.”

I try to remember if I heard anyone yelling over the rest of the crowd at the match I went to. I can’t, but maybe she was in another area of the venue. “That’s awesome, and she’s not worried about you or anything?”

“Oh no, she worries sick every single time, but she wants to support me and knows how hard I work.” Mell pauses to order as the waiter comes back and I do as well. Mell also orders a glass of red wine so I decide to as well. “I think she’ll always be my biggest fan. It’s really nice to have her in my corner.”

I love the way Mell talks about his mom. It seems like he has a lot of love for her and she for him as well. I take a small sip of my wine. “That’s great, my parents come to all my performances as well,” I say, my anxiety around this date starting to melt slightly. 

“I have a question for you,” Mell says hesitantly, switching the topic so hard I almost get whiplash. “Oh, sorry– I didn’t mean to ignore what you said,” He says quickly.

I laugh. “No, it’s fine…” I say softly, giggling a little, “That’s all I had to say. What’s your question?”

“Well, two questions. I don’t want to misgender you… are you a trans woman? I’m not clear on the situation. And second, do you prefer to be called Lane or Lanie?” He asks, tilting his head slightly.

I freeze with my glass halfway to my lips again. These are questions I’ve been too afraid to consider the answers to and now I’m being confronted head on by them. I tap my foot anxiously on the ground as my head swims, trying to figure out how to answer. “Um…” I breathe out, “I feel like I’m a girl, like I’m supposed to be a trans woman, but I also feel like…” I struggle for a moment to find the right word, “An imposter? So maybe they and them pronouns for right now. And I'd like you to call me Lanie.” 

“What do you mean, ‘imposter’?” Mell asks, cocking his head slightly to the side. He frowns. 

“Like what if I’m faking it and just don’t know it?” I ask sheepishly, my question rhetorical. 

Mell grins and leans back in his chair. “That sounds silly,” He says with a chuckle. I frown as my stomach drops. I feel like I’m being laughed at, even though that’s probably not what he meant to do. Mell seems to sense this and straightens up. “I mean, it’s how you feel though so I guess it’s not silly,” He quickly backtracks. “Sorry, I’m not really good at this stuff.”

I fidget with my hands. “It’s okay…” I say quietly, “It’s just, I’m finding out that gender feelings are really hard to wade through.” I sigh and run a hand through my short hair.

Mell gives me a sympathetic smile but doesn’t say anything, probably afraid to say the wrong thing again. He looks up as our food comes and the two of us thank the server. He rubs his hands before picking up his fork which makes me laugh. “What?” He asks with a crooked smile.

“Nothing,” I say with a small smile. I pick up my fork as well and the two of us dig in. I like how excited Mell looks when he’s about to eat. He makes a satisfied noise after the first bite which makes me giggle again. He gives me a quizzical look and I shake my head, taking a bite of my own food.

Mell is kind enough to take me back to the apartment after our meal. He gets out and opens the passenger side door for me with a goofy grin and a bow. I laugh. “Thank you,” I say politely, stepping out of the vehicle. 

“Can I walk you up?” He asks, offering his arm with a hopeful expression on his face. 

“Of course,” I say, smiling. I loop my arm through his and we enter the building together. 

He looks around as we step foot into the building. “This is a nice place,” He observes, “You live with Lola, right?”

“Yeah,” I say, trying to sound casual. “My earnings helping out at the studio don’t really cut it for my portion of the rent though, so my parents help out a little.” I try to hide the shame in my voice but it seeps through. I push the button on the elevator. 

Mell gives me a smile. “Not something to be ashamed of. It’s a blessing to have supportive parents, right?”

“Yeah…” I breathe out. My parents are supportive but I worry about whether or not it’s conditional upon my success as a dancer. That sounds awful but it’s just how my anxiety works. I wonder how they’ll take me coming out, whenever I manage to actually do that. I need to figure myself out before that, though. 

“Are your parents supportive of you?” Mell asks as we take the elevator up. 

“I’m not out to them yet as trans. But as a gay man, yes. They’re very supportive,” I say with a small smile. The elevator dings and the doors open. Mell slips his hand into mine and I tense up for a moment before relaxing into the gesture. “I’m worried about coming out as transgender to them though. Not many trans people make it professionally as dancers.”

“I’m sure they’ll continue being supportive,” Mell says reassuringly. 

I smile weakly at him. “I hope you’re right.”

We come to a halt in front of my apartment door on the fourth floor and I turn to Mell. “Well, this is me,” I say, my voice quiet, “Thanks for taking me home. And for the date. The date was nice.”

Mell scratches the back of his neck and grins that signature grin of his. “I’m glad you had a good time,” He says, “I did too.” He looks like he’s waiting for something.

“Um… can I get your number so I can message you?” I ask, remembering that important thing people do when they’re interested in each other.

“Oh! Of course,” Mell digs out his phone from his pocket. “Here, type your number in so I can send you a text.” He sounds excited.

I plug my number into his phone and he takes it back, typing something. I immediately feel a buzz in my pocket. It’s just a text that says “Mell”. I smile down at my phone. “Thanks,” I say warmly, my chest feeling a little tight from the crush that’s rapidly growing on this man. “I’ll text you soon.” I turn to the door and unlock it before making my way inside.

“Can I kiss you?” Mell blurts out from behind me. I hear a snort from Lola who is probably sitting on the couch in the living room and can hear him in the doorway.

I wheel around, shocked that anyone could possibly want to kiss me. “Oh, um, I’m… not ready for that yet.” I mumble apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

Mell looks disappointed but gives me a warm smile. “It’s fine,” He says sincerely, “Can I at least give you a hug?”

My face grows hot. “Sure,” I say bashfully, and step forward. Mell envelopes me in his strong, muscular arms. I feel safe there.