After Lola leaves, I emerge from my bedroom to eat some of the pizza she left in the fridge. It looks like she only managed two or three bites of a slice before she had to leave. I consider taking some to her but don’t really want to deal with Grace right now.

There’s a sudden loud knock on the door which startles me enough to make my soul leave my body for a moment. “Lolaaa!” Keely’s voice yells from the hallway. 

I hold my breath and stay completely still as if that’ll make her go away. 

“I can sort of see the light on through the peephole! I know someone is home!” She continues shouting while knocking. 

She’s so loud. I walk over to the door and brace myself for a Keely interaction. It’s not that I don’t like Keely but it takes a lot of energy to be around her most of the time. I take a deep breath and open the door. “Hi, Keely…” I say in a resigned voice.

Keely freezes like she was about to knock again, her fist in the air. She puts her arm down and grins at me. “Lane!!” I cringe. “Where’s Lola?” She looks around me into the apartment.

“Um…She’s gonna be gone for a bit.” I fidget with my hands, wishing I was back in my room alone right now. When I don’t say anything else, Keely just stands in the hallway. I sigh. “Do you want to come in?” I ask hesitantly.

“Yes!” Keely says gleefully, walking right past me into the apartment, “Thank you. I smell pizza, can I have some?”

“Sure…” I mumble. 

Keely picks a piece of pizza up from the counter and takes a bite, staring at me. “You’re like, moodier than usual,” She observes.

“Oh,” I breathe, “Sorry.”

“What’s wrong, Lane?” Keely asks, deciding to fold the pizza slice in half to eat it that way.

I wince. “Please stop calling me that,” I end up snapping at her. 

She looks confused. “That’s…your name though?” She puts a hand on her hip. “What the hell’s like, going on?”

I sigh and pick at the skin of my fingers as I talk. “I go by Lanie now,” I say, begrudgingly explaining my situation to my acquaintance. 

“Oh?” Keely asks, raising her eyebrows, and then goes “Ohhhh. So you’re like Lola.”

“Um… Yes?” I say, sounding unsure, “I’m transgender, going by ‘they’ and ‘them’ pronouns right now until I figure myself out…” I sigh wearily and take a seat on one of the stools by the counter.

Keely smirks and hops up onto one of the stools as well. “I had a feeling you weren’t like… A dude. You’re way too like, ‘girl’, even for a gay dude.”

I’m not sure how to take that but the way she says it kind of pisses me off. I knit my eyebrows together. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, irritation in my voice.

“Chill, just that, like, I always figured you were some sort of not-man human. I was waiting for you to figure it out.” Keely shrugs and finishes her pizza. “So why are you so upset about this discovery?”

I sigh a long sigh and prop my elbows on the counter, holding my head in my hands. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Want me to take you out to get your mind off of it?” Keely asks. I look over at her to notice a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“...Not really,” I grumble, “I’d rather just stay home and eat pizza.”

Keely pouts. “Come onnn, I’ll pay for everything. Let me take you out. We never hang out.”

“We’re hanging out right now,” I say, exasperated. 

Keely scoffs. “This is boring. Come on, Lanie. It’ll be fun. I’ll help you pick out an outfit. Do you have any clothes you feel good in?”

Feeling good hasn’t been my strength recently but there are a few dresses in my closet that I feel somewhat fine in when paired with leggings and boots. It’s March, but still a little too cold for just dresses so far. “Yeah, I guess…” I say uneasily. I slide off my stool. “Come on, I’ll show you what I have.”

Keely claps triumphantly and hops off her stool. She follows me into my room. “Oooh, it’s so clean in here.”

“If my room is a mess it feels like I’ll explode,” I explain flatly. “Anyway, here are some of the things I feel at least kind of okay about.” I pull out my arsenal of women’s clothes which consists of two dresses and a few pieces of workout clothes that I wore when Mell asked me out at the gym the first time, and lay them on my bed.

Keely hums and chews on her thumb in thought. She picks up one of the dresses, a long-sleeved colorful dress that gives off Van Gogh vibes. The patterns are embroidered and sewn in in swirls and there are abstract-ish flowers sewn on as well. “I like this!” She chirps, “It’s cute. Put this on.” She tosses it at me.

I sigh and retreat to the bathroom to put the dress on. I’m already wearing compression underwear under my current pants, so I don’t need to worry about that. As much as I love this dress it leaves some space in the chest since I have no chest at all to fill it out. I come back out of the bathroom and show Keely and she hums in thought. “Do you have sports bras?” She asks.

“Um… I have one but haven’t worn it out yet,” I mumble. “Why?”

“Put it on and stuff it with socks or something so it fills out the chest of the dress,” Keely commands. 

Eventually I get the look right and Keely smiles gleefully. “Now for makeup,” She says happily. “Maybe just some contouring and eyeliner and maybe mascara?”

“I guess,” I grumble, overwhelmed.

“I’m sure looking nice will make you feel better,” Keely says reassuringly. I don’t believe her but shrug and let her dig through the small but growing collection of cheap makeup I’ve been practicing with. “Oof, you need better stuff.”

I shrug. “I don’t want to spend the money on makeup until I know what I’m doing,” I explain defensively. 

“Well I can help you with that!” Keely says cheerfully, “You should invite me over more often. We can experiment with makeup together.”

“Maybe.” I say quietly.

Keely does a good job on my makeup. It’s almost like she’s managed to shift my bone structure around and make it more feminine. I still look like me though, just… In a way where I’m more comfortable in my skin. I breathe a sigh of relief when I look at myself in the mirror.

“See? You look fantastic.” She says proudly. She looks around and notices the blue wig in the corner of my room. “Ooooh, I love that. You should wear that!”

“No,” I say firmly, shaking my head, “The wig doesn’t feel good.” 

“Hmm,” She frowns, “Okay.” She sounds disappointed but I don’t care. Last time I wore the wig I had a panic attack. I’d rather my hair be naturally long… But I’m not sure how that’ll work with ballet being a thing.

“So are we ready to go then?” I ask, pulling on a pair of knee length black boots over my socks. Any more time spent here at the apartment and I might back out of going out for the night.

“Yes!” Keely sounds thrilled to have convinced me to go out. “I’m so excited. We’re gonna have so much fun.”

Keely decides cutting the line of people waiting to get into Triple B is the way to go. I mumble an apology to the annoyed people behind us but the bouncer doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the colossal man from last time I was here for Lola’s party. He grins lazily at Keely. “Well look who’s back,” He says in that hoarse voice. I can’t help but wonder where the wound in his neck came from and what the story behind it is. 

Keely twirls her bubblegum pink hair in her fingers and winks at him. “You know it’s hard to stay away from you,” She flirts.

“Who, me? I thought you came here for Jackke and Bliss,” The man, who’s name is Clay, if I’m remembering correctly, chuckles. 

Keely giggles. “All three of you are like, my type,” She says in a chipper voice, “I’m not entirely picky.”

“Get moving already!” Someone behind us shouts, no doubt annoyed by the two of us cutting in front of the long line.

“You’re the person that was with Mell last time, right?” Clay asks me, giving me a look I can’t quite decode. It’s either super horny or super vacant with no thought behind it. I can’t tell which one.

“Yeah… Lanie,” I tell him. 

“I like your makeup, Lanie,” Clay compliments me with a smile. “Head on inside, you two.”

“Thanks,” Keely blows him a kiss and practically skips into the bar. 

“And Keely–” He calls after us, “Quit cutting in line!”

Keely pulls me over to the bar where a woman with short red hair and a purple rat tail and a gender-ambiguous person with bright pink hair and crazy makeup are making drinks for people. She slides into a barstool and pulls me down into one next to her. The two bartenders’ eyes flick to the two of us. 

“You’re here later than usual,” The woman says in a snarky tone over the noise of the bar, “It’s nearly midnight.”

“I was hoping Lola could join me tonight but she’s somewhere else,” Keely says back with a pout. “Lanie, this is Bliss and Jackke.” 

Bliss looks me up and down with a raised eyebrow. “Not your kind of place?” She bluntly asks me.

“Is it that obvious?” I ask nervously, already not a fan of this person. 

Jackke, the person with the pink hair, smiles warmly at me. “What are you drinking tonight?” They ask. Their voice sounds like a creaky door. I squint at the pin on their shirt and realize it has pronouns on it. ‘Xe’ and ‘Xir’. 

Keely answers for me. “We’re having whiskey on the rocks.”

“No, I–” I start, preferring just a single glass of red wine or something, but Keely elbows me in the side hard enough to wind me. What the fuck.

“Let loose tonight,” She says in a commanding tone. “It’ll help.”

“But I don’t like whiskey,” I mumble.

“The more you drink the more you’ll like it,” Keely says with a shrug.

Bliss hands us each our drinks. Keely throws hers back with ease and then looks at me expectantly. I sip at mine and gag. Bliss snorts, and my face heats up. Feeling the need to make Bliss think more of me than she clearly does, I take a deep breath and try to throw back my drink like Keely did. Maybe if I listen to her I’ll have an okay time tonight. It tastes awful and I almost throw up in my mouth a bit, but avoid doing that. My throat burns and my head feels warm. 

“Want another?” Bliss asks with a shit eating grin. 

“Bliss,” Jackke warns. Xe switches places with her so xe’s the one in front of me. “What do you really want? Don’t let them bully you, darling,” Xe says comfortingly. I like Jackke. 

“I’m… I’m fine,” I say sheepishly, “Keely’s just trying to help me out tonight.” It sounds more like I’m convincing myself than Jackke.

I don’t usually drink much at all. I stick to a glass of red wine if I do, but tonight for some reason I thought matching Keely drink for drink would be a good idea. I’m really drunk. Keely seems proud of herself and Bliss has stopped making snide noises and comments at me, which does make me feel a little better. 

The loud music isn’t bothering me like it did when I walked in. I’m feeling okay just sitting here talking to Jackke about how hard coming out has been to my parents.

Keely seems bored with the way this evening is going for me even though I’m fine right now, just sitting here and chatting drunkenly with someone who I think I could come to consider a friend. “Come on, let’s go dance,” She slurs at me, taking my hand.

I take my hand back. “No, I’m fine here.” I’m not sure how steady I’d be on my feet right now, anyway. I’ve never been this drunk before.

“Ugh, you’re so boring, let’s go,” She tugs at my hand again.

“Keely, let them hang out if they want to hang out,” Jackke says in an annoyed tone unlike that of the monotone creaky voice I’ve heard from xem all night, coming to my rescue.

“Both of you are boring,” Bliss chimes in, agreeing with Keely. “I’d be out there on the floor if I wasn’t bartending all night.”

“Well you’re a fucking bitch, so.” It just slips out of my mouth, I don’t mean to say that. I clasp a hand over my mouth as Keely gawks at me and Jackke laughs lightly. Bliss looks ready to fight me. “Sorry.” I hastily get up and stumble away just before Bliss can lunge over the bar in my direction. I only vaguely notice as Jackke pulls her back onto her proper side of the bar. 

There’s a loud rushing in my ears and the music is starting to bother me again. Sirens pass the bar outside further adding to the overstimulating atmosphere. It feels like I can’t do anything right. I can’t even do getting drunk right, according to Keely. I’m too boring, too mopey, too something.

I find myself at the door to the patio and slam it open less than gracefully before tripping over the slight ledge on the ground and falling. Faces turn to stare at me. One of them laughs, which echoes in my head on a loop. My breathing quickens. 

Shit, I was doing fine when it was just me and Jackke talking. I was doing fine being out for once. Maybe if I’d had more time to warm up I would’ve even been fine dancing. Maybe I would’ve even done better than Keely on the dance floor. I am a dancer by trade, after all. But now it doesn’t matter because I can’t catch my breath because I’m panicking. 

Why is panicking always my go-to? Why can’t I be fucking normal?

“Lanie?” A voice echoes around me but I can’t tear my eyes away from the ground between the doorway to the porch. “Lanie,” someone helps me up. The voice is creaky and monotone and calm. 

I burst into tears.

“It’s okay, come on,” I’m lead by the echoey voice to the bathroom. I can’t tell which one it is between the tears falling from my face and the fact that everything is slightly blurry and tilted slightly to the left anyway from the alcohol. There’s only one toilet in here though which makes me think it’s a gender neutral one.

“Gonna throw up,” I mumble, voice wobbly. 

“That’s okay,” The voice says kindly. I catch a flash of pink in the mirror and connect the voice with the hair. Jackke is taking care of me. 

Xe helps lower me in front of the toilet where I immediately lurch forward and hurl all the contents of the night plus my slice of pizza into the bowl. Xe strokes my hair as I throw up a few more times and then proceed to start crying once I can breathe again. “Do you need to go home?” Xe asks softly, “I can call my girlfriend to come get you if you need.”

“Mell,” I wheeze between shuddering breaths, “My phone,” I fumble with the pocket in my dress and pull out my phone, hastily unlocking it and handing it to xem. “Please.” 

“Of course,” Jackke responds. I feel them slip away to call my boyfriend.