“Ow!” I glare at Floof, whose teeth are in my finger and her paws wrapped viciously around my hand.

She’s getting frisky, so I grab a laser pointer and off she goes. While she is engrossed in catching the magical red dot that has evaded her paws of doom since the dawn of time, I’m fixated on thoughts of K.

I’m not wrong for thinking they are a little interested, right?

Perhaps I’m pushing my own feelings onto them, hoping these notes mean more than what they really are. I went from viewing K as the mysterious bad movie lover to the mysterious hopeless romantic that’s witty, sometimes shy, sometimes very blunt, and always fun to talk to. They’re no longer a person who I think of at the end of the day, but all throughout the day. Always waiting or finding an excuse to run to the library, hoping to hear from them. Wanting more than a note, wanting to see them face to face, know their name, hear their voice speak every word that’s already been scratched on paper.

I’ve always wanted a relationship like I’ve seen in the movies, no matter how exaggerated I know them to be. But I’ve never felt like I could achieve that because so many people look at me like they don’t know what I am. The moment I wanted to go by they/them pronouns, I somehow became a blob few understood.

Yet again, I am falling hard, but this time it’s for K. They may not feel the same about me, but as I pull another note out and another, I read them over and can’t help but come to the same conclusion.

WTF IS SIERRA BURGESS IS STILL A LOSER?!?!?!?! If I watched this months ago, I might have liked it but now all I can think about is how this damn movie rewarded a person doing bad shit and where’s the message in that? SIERRA WASN’T EVEN A LIKABLE CHARACTER! K, this is your fault. I blame you for my inability to be ignorant of movies now.
—A

It brings me great joy to see you come so far, Young Padawan. Soon you will notice the tiniest details, like a cup being a few millimeters off from the previous scene or a clothing tag sticking out of a hat that has been made in the 15th century. You’re welcome in advance. Although I hope you give similar reactions even as you learn, they’re cute.
—K

Conclusion—they’re interested too, right?

They called my reactions cute, and this is not a one time occurrence. I count six references to cute or adorable, and these are from the notes that I’ve kept. They wouldn’t write that if they didn’t mean it, and I don’t exactly go around calling people outside of my friend’s group cute, but that may go against my argument. If K thinks of me as a friend, they could call me cute without it having an ulterior meaning. However, not wanting to meet concludes they don’t even see me as a friend, right?

“Could I be any more of a loser?” I groan, then holler from the sharp pain in my foot.

Floof’s claws have deemed my foot the enemy. In my daydreaming, I forgot about flinging the laser around the room, so the red dot now rests on my toe. I have brought this pain upon myself. What a silly human.

“Floof using you as her plaything again?” My sister, Julia, asks from my open doorway. The only ones allowed to call her Julia are our parents, though. Jules is for the general populace.

We share the same warm white skin, mint green eyes and crooked smile, one that she wears when pushing herself into my room. She stops her wheelchair next to me, leaning over to pester Floof until her claws are far too threatening.

“Yeah, you just get home?” I ask. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Yep. Long classes today, then stuck around for a study group.” She nods to the papers on my desk that I rest my hand on, hoping to hide them from view. “Homework?”

“Yeah, but Floof wasn’t leaving me alone.” I smile at the cat that is on her back with my foot rubbing her belly. Any minute now, she’s going to go feral and tear me to shreds. “Now that you’re home, she can pester you.”

“Hell no, you’re keeping her in here.” Jules laughs.

Her silence afterwards is telling. Even if I know what’s coming, I wait because Jules likes to think she’s smooth with transitioning, but she’s not and it’s a little funny.

“Have you heard from Hudson lately?” she asks.

There it is, the not at all smooth transition.

“I thought we agreed not to bring up The Nameless Bastard.”

“I wouldn’t if it didn’t seem like you were still hung up on him. He’s bad news, Ave. He’s no good for you.”

“Trust me, I know, and I promise we’re done. Completely and totally done.” I slap my hands together, pretending to close a book, or closing off the Hudson chapter of my life. A chapter that’s technically been closed for three months, but the events linger.

Some nights, I dream of us together again. Life is good like it was. I wasn’t only accepted, but also loved and seen by someone, appreciated as I am, and respected. Hudson, through all his faults, never misgendered me, never let others do it, either. When the nerves kicked in, when I shrunk at my pronouns being ignored, or worse, called it, Hudson stepped up. That made me love him even more.

That time is gone. K has been helping with all of this, the moving on from an ex that betrayed my trust and showed how easily someone can shatter your delusions of supposed shared love and happiness.

“I haven’t talked to Hudson in over a month, although definitely not from his lack of trying,” I admit, watching Jules nod.

She’s silent, listening intently as always. I shouldn’t give K all the credit. Without her, Sophie, and Max, I would have taken this break up far worse. I’d probably still be moping in my room, watching sad romance movies and eating tubs of ice cream. Not to say that I’m not doing that now, I’m merely doing it because I want to rather than needing to.

“I’ve blocked him. I don’t see him at school, rarely at least, and I’m always with Max and Sophie, so I’m in the clear. But I am fine, Jules, bummed out but fine.” I offer a smile, an authentic one.

Hudson was my everything a few months back. Now he’s…something, but not quite the same. He’s there, like a scratch that left a scar. There’s no longer pain. Sometimes I notice the mark and remember the time it was left and all the times before that, but that’s it. He’s merely there.

“Good.” Jules gives my hand a firm squeeze. “I want you to be happy. Don’t let Hudson ruin dating for you. Get yourself someone else before graduating, at least someone to roll around in the sheets with.”

“Wow, what a bad influence. I’m telling Mom.”

“Sure, sure.” Jules backs away, her laughter fading into the hall. “Mom said she’s making chicken alfredo for dinner and I saw a new Ryan Reynolds movie drop on Netflix, so?” She wiggles her eyebrows.

“Dinner and a movie sounds good to me.”

“Awesome. I’ll call ya when dinner’s done.”

She rushes out the door as if she honestly thinks Floof will chase after her. She doesn’t because I have the laser pointer out again. I continue playtime, my elbow on the desk and head in my hand, while the other haphazardly turns my room into a rave with a single red dot and an aggressive blur of fur.

Jules distracted me for a moment. Memories of Hudson did too. Now that she’s gone, and I’m waiting patiently for dinner and a movie night, I’m stuck thinking about K again. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Not knowing is frustrating. Thinking of K’s response is a tad bit humiliating.

Sorry. I like how things are.

They like being strangers? Why? I can’t think of a reason not to reveal ourselves. What’s wrong with the two of us meeting to watch a movie together? Even after an entire night of contemplating, I never come up with an answer.

The fear of asking results in me dragging my feet to school the following day. It results in my staring at the school bus bookend with chipping yellow paint for far longer than necessary, but I can’t avoid this forever.