A Debt Paid inBlood

*flashback *

Ash had never wanted his life to be turn out like this. However he was just a boy when his father first put a gun in his hands, teaching him how to aim, how to breathe. At the time he wasn't even understood why he had to do such thing. Not until one day men in suits came to their house. It turned out his father made some illegal betting that made him short on money. So he had to turn to another solution and ended up taking a loan from one of the local criminal group. But this time there was no money – ony his son with steady hands and sharp eyes. The deal was perfect. That was how Ash ended up working for them. Just a simple exchange. A contract killer before he was even old enough to drink. He was way too young to do such horrible acts. Each bullet fired, each life taken, took away some little parts of his soul. He hated it. Hated himself. He felt like he was good for nothing else but pulling the goddamn trigger. He never saw his father again after that day. Maybe he was ashamed. Maybe that's why he couldn't even bring himself to look at him face to face.

So, one night when he was around his twenties, he tried to end it all.

The room smelled like metal and smoke. Something was clearly odd that day. Damien froze in the doorway, his breath catching in his throat. For a second, he thought he was too late.When he got the courage to step in. He saw Ash laying motionless on the floor, blood smeared across his wrist, the knife was still clutched loosely in his fingers. His breaths were so faint. They were  almost impossible to hear.

- Fuck. Ash. What the fuck?

He was at his side in an instant, pressing down the wound with a rag he had found in the nearby kitchen, his hands trembling as he tried to stop the bleeding. His hands already stained red. Ash was still conscious that time. He let out a slow, uneaven breath, his half-lidded eyes flickering open as he tried to smile.That same empy, bitter smile that he always wore at his face.

- You again? - his voice was hoarse.

- Shut up. - Damien searched for another rag, wrapping it around Ash's arm in a makeshift bandage. His hands still shaking.

- You shouldn't be here. - Ash huffed out a weak laugh.

- Yeah? And where the hell should i be? - his voice was    full of fear, anger.

Ash turned his head, staring at the ceiling like he didn't care. Like his own blood pooling on the floor wasn't aproblem. In fact, it felt almost warm to the touch, even as he began to shiver more with each passing moment, the cold creeped in as time dragged on.

- Anywhere else.

Damien clenched his jaw. He should have been angry. Maybe he even was. But all he could feel was this afwul, sinking feeling in his chest.

- You really thought this would be solve anything?- he    asked, lowering his voice.

Ash closed his eyes for a moment.

- It  was worth a shot.

Damien exhaled sharply, forcing himself to keep his grip firm, to keep Ash here.

- Fucking idiot.

- I know.

After that neither of them said anything for a while. The only sound was Ash's breathing, too slow, too shallow. The room was filled with his emotions as he layed there. It was the same feeling that caught him every day. Emptiness. 

Damien tightened his hold, pressing down harder. He could feel Ash flinch, but at least it meant he was still there.

- You're not going to die on me, Ash. Not today, not    ever. You hear me? - Damien muttered, his voice was unsteady.

- You always ruin everything. - Ash opened his eyes    again, to look up at him.

- Right. - Damien let out a bitter laugh. - I guess I'll    just keep ruining it then.

After that day something had changed in both of them. They were good friends from the start, but Damien always looked athim with a different way. He wasn't sure it was love or just affection. He only knew that he didn't want to lose him. 

Ash handled things pretty easily after being released from the hospital. It seemed like the whole incident hadn't really affected him. Damien's feelings were never something he truly considered. He only half paid attention to him, always sensing what the other man might be feeling but never wanting to appear weak in front of him. In fact, there was nothing more pathetic he could have done to his only friend. And because of that, subconsciously, he began to avoid Damien. Until one day, when he returned home and found his friend on the balcony, lighting a cigarette just as Ash pulled open the door to step outside. 

Ash stood there, smiling faintly, his eyes fixed on the ground. It wasn't real – just a reflex, a defense.

- What do you want to know? - he asked, inhaling deeply as if the night air could steady him.

- What are you thinking? - Damien tilted his head. - I    want to know why you tried to kill yourself.

Ash let out a short, dry laugh, reaching for a cigarette.

- I hoped you'd finally leave me alone.

- Yeah if it would stop me by any chance. - Damien voice was light, but there was something underneath it.

Ash stopped looking for the cigarette. He smiled again, but this time it felt different – bitter this time.

- Why are you here anyway? - he exhaled smoke into the cold air, finally meeting Damien's gaze. His eyes looked darker than usual.

- How far you'd go this time? - Damien asked, plucking the cigarette from Ash's fingers.

- As far as you wish. - Ash muttered, rolling his eyes. But Damien only laughed, stepping closer, his shoulder brushing against Ash's. The warmth of his skin was distracting.

Ash wanted to step back. It was cold, he hadn't even brought his jacket.

- Then what about this? - Damien pulled him closer, close enough that Ash could smell his cologne – it was sweet and warm. Nothing like him.

Ash didn't love him. He never had feelings for Damien in the way he wanted him to. He was just vulnerable. And Damien knew it.

It wasn't Ash's first though he had, but he grabbed Damien's arm and pulled him even closer, he wanted to feel his scent, the way it somehow calmed him, just a little. Once again Ash looked at his face as his hair drifted carelessly into his eyes, Ash knew instantly how far he would go for him.

- We should go back, I'm freezing – said Ash, taking    his hands and pulling Damien into his apartment. Ash shut the door and turned towards him. He's still standing near the window. He took one step, then another. Just one more. Then he lean into his lips.    The moment he felt Damien sharp breathing made him anxious.

- Come on Ash, be wild for me, just this once. - he replies, his throat tense up.

Ash finally gave in. He place Damien's hand behind hishead, and before he kissed him, he slowly started to brush his lipsagainst his.

- Like...this? - asked Ash, teasing him. It felt familiar. But he doesn't say a word, just put his head on the cold    glass.

- Like this...- his voice was low and hoarse. His other    hand was now under Ash's shirt. He gasped, and a quiet moan left his mouth. 'Fuck. Did he heard that?'

Ash took his hand and pulled it out quickly. Damien stood there for a moment, the weight of the situation pressed down on him. His heart raced as Ash stepped back. The air between them semmed to thicken. Damien could still feel Ash's lips against his, and the sudden rush of regret settled deep in his chest.

- I'm not in love with you, Damien. - Ash blurted out, the words slipped out before he could stop himself. It felt like a confession, but not the one he'd been prepared to make. - I don't know why I kissed you. It wasn't suppose to happen.

The silence that followed was suffocating. Ash didn't say any word, and Damien could feel the weight of his thoughts pressing against him. He swallowed hard, his heart was heavy in his chest.

- I don't want to hurt you. - Ash added later, his voice was thick with guilt. - I just...I'm messed up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Ash wanted to cry at that moment. He wanted to fix it. Damien's silence was worse than any words. Then he cleared his throat, trying to steady himself for a bit.

- You don't have to explain it. - Damien said softly, though it felt like a lie even as he said it.

- I didn't mean to make things weird. - said Ash his voice was quiet, almost apologetic.

Damien's fingers twitched at his sides. There was anawkwardness between them now, a new kind of distance that hadn't been there before.

- Don't apologise. It's fine. - he said, his voice was steady, though it trembled beneath the surface.

It wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all. The kiss had been something Damien had wanted, but not like this. Not with Ash standing there, looking like he didn't know what he had just done. Ash didn't say anything more, and Damien didn't push him to. After that night neither of them spoke about it again. Ash paked up his things and moved out not long after. He didn't offer an explanation. He found a new place, distant from Damien's. He keept in touch with him, in the way you do with old friends. Some text, an occasional phone call, some work together. But it was not the same.