Another day goes by with me calling out sick from dance class. Somehow I've managed to get away with two weeks of skipping. I’m blobbed on the couch watching soap operas, my ballet barre unused and neglected in the corner of the living room. I can feel myself getting rusty, I haven’t even been to the gym recently. There’s a pit in my stomach the size and weight of an anvil where all the guilt surrounding this sits but I can’t make myself leave the apartment or even do my stretches and exercises at home. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be seen by people or perform as a dancer when I can barely stand to be around myself as I am now.
Mell has been by a few times to check on me and we’ve talked over the phone but I feel bad bothering him right now because he’s also in a rut with his boxing. He doesn’t seem to let it stop him from trying, though. Maybe he’s just better at things than I am.
My phone buzzes. I leave it alone, thinking it’s a text, but it continues to buzz which means it’s a phone call. I tear my eyes away from the television to see who’s calling and see it’s Jackke. I don’t know why xe hasn’t given up yet. I barely remember to return xir texts.
“Hello?” I mutter listlessly as I answer the call.
“Oh, you answered,” Jackke says from the other end. Xir voice is monotone as usual but there’s the slightest hint of happiness mixed in there as well. “Just checking in on how you’re doing.”
I sigh a long sigh. “Not great,” I admit. I don’t elaborate further.
“Do you want to get together and talk?” Jackke asks, “Maybe it’d be helpful.”
I think about it for a moment. I don’t really want to deal with anyone or entertain anyone in the apartment but I don’t want to go out either. And Jackke is making the effort to get to know me despite the fact that I’m so closed off recently. I sigh. “Yeah, sure,” I say half-heartedly, “Do you want to come over?”
“I’d love to,” If there’s any sign that Jackke is uneasy with how unwelcoming I sound, xe doesn’t make it known. “What’s your address?”
“I’ll text you,” I say, trying to keep from sounding too uneasy.
The two of us say goodbye to each other and I text Jackke my address. I peel myself off the couch to put on a shirt and sweatpants, not bothering to shower. I really don’t care how Jackke sees me, xe has already seen me throwing up and sobbing so at this point it doesn’t really matter. How much worse can it get than that?
There’s a knock on the door almost an hour later. Jackke gives me a small smile as I open the door and I step aside to let xem in. It’s my first time seeing xem since the bar and I can see xir hair and makeup better now in the lighting of my apartment.
I notice now that xir hair is somewhere between a light pink and light powdery purple color, and it falls in frizzy curls around xir face and over xir ears, stopping mostly at xir chin, but there’s two longer pieces that fall over either one of xir shoulders that have darker purple and lighter stripes horizontal across each piece.
Xe wears bright yellow contacts that are rimmed with red and a complicated design in xir eye makeup, made of blues and purples and pinks with squiggly flame shapes under each eye. There’s a heart-shaped tattoo with a pulse inside it in the middle of xir neck. Xir foundation is so pale it’s almost white and it’s hard to tell how tan xe is beneath it until xe takes off xir jacket and hangs it on the back of a counter stool, revealing xir arms. Jackke wears a black muscle tank with the words IDLES on it. Xir arms are riddled with oddly shaped marks and scars, some less noticeable than others. It’s jarring to see. Some of them look like self harm scars but some look… different. I can’t figure out exactly what they’re from, but I don’t ask because it’s not my business to know unless xe wants to tell me.
“Thanks for letting me come over,” Jackke says, xir voice bland and monotone but a smile on xir face. Xe doesn’t mention anything about me staring at xir arms.
“O-of course,” I stumble over my words, now faced with having to entertain a guest that isn’t Mell. “Um… Make yourself at home. Lola, uh, you know Lola I guess?” Xe nods. Good, so I assumed right. I remembered that Lola goes to the bar xe owns sometimes, so it makes sense for them to know each other in some capacity. “She’s away for a while so it’s just me right now.”
Jackke takes a seat at the counter. “You’re a hard person to get a hold of,” Xe says simply, just stating facts, “Is that usually how it is?” One corner of xir mouth is tilted upwards in a vague smirk, the only hint of emotion xe shows.
I rub at my arms anxiously. “Um… No,” I admit, “I’ve just been in a funk. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Lanie. How can I help?” Jackke asks.
“You don’t have to do anything to help,” I say uneasily, “Just being persistent in reaching out is helpful. It means someone besides my boyfriend cares enough about me to try to make contact even though I’m blowing everyone and everything off.”
Jackke shrugs. “My girlfriend helps people for a living. It kinda rubs off on you after a while. What exactly have you been blowing off recently?”
I glance over at my ballet barre that’s been collecting dust and sigh heavily. “My career prospects,” I mutter, “And you too… I’d probably be blowing Lola off too, if she’d bother to check in on me at all. But she hasn’t.” It hurts that Lola hasn’t sent a single message or called at all since going to visit Grace. She doesn’t even like Grace. Maybe I’m being selfish by thinking that way.
“You’re a dancer, right?” Jackke asks, following my line of sight to the barre, “Pretty serious about it?”
“How did you know?” I ask, looking at xem.
Jackke chuckles. “We talked about it at Triple B the other night, plus the ballet stuff in the corner kind of gives it away.”
I don’t remember mentioning the dancing to Jackke, but then again I got incredibly intoxicated that night. Everything after the beginning of our conversation was a bit of a blur.
I nod. “I am… I was. I’ve been working up to being professional my whole life. I don’t know how to feel about it right now… It all feels pointless.”
“I think going back to your lessons would be the right move,” Jackke states factually, “You don’t want to lose everything you’ve worked for.”
I chew at my lip and pick at my fingernails as I consider xir words. I already feel like I’m losing my skills by just vegging out on the couch 24/7. “I dunno…” I say with a sigh. I brush a strand of hair out of my eyes. I’ve really enjoyed having it slightly longer now than it has been my whole life, it’s like the one thing that brings me joy right now. It sucks to know my dance instructor hates it.
I feel like she’d hate everything I want to become.
“Just try,” Jackke says, urging me not to give up on what’s supposed to be my dream. “Trying is better than just giving up, right?”
“I guess,” I sigh, frowning as my finger starts bleeding slightly from how badly I’ve been picking at it. “Okay, I’ll try. I’m just nervous.” Not only am I nervous about going back just because I don’t feel like myself when dancing anymore, but I’m also nervous that maybe I’ve lost too many of my skills while being so stationary.
Jackke smiles at me. “That’s okay.”
Somehow that makes me feel slightly okay. I manage a half-hearted smile back. “Thanks,” I say, my voice weary.
I check my phone as it vibrates, hoping it’s Lola showing at least a small interest in my mental well-being. It’s just a text from Mell. Annoyed, I open the text app and send Lola two texts in a row.
4:14 PM Lanie: I’m fine, btw.
4:14 PM Lanie: In case you cared.
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