Thedra

Don’t come any closer! I’d like to yell. I won’t know what to do if you stand so close to me…

I see Mr. Bentham’s hand as he starts to reach for mine, so big and rough looking. Then he rethinks the gesture and pulls back. I let out a little breath.

“I owe you an apology,” he says. “You suffered so much due to my oversight. I don’t know how I can make it up to you.”

I shake my head furiously. “Please, don’t say that! You have already done so much— given me so much. I don’t know how I could ever repay you.”

He laughs a little, a sound that warms me straight down to my toes. “It was nothing. The very least I could do.”

“That’s what you said in your note…”

“Ah,” I hear him rub the back of his neck at this. “Did you… did you get Mrs. Agate to read it to you?”

“No?” I’m confused. “I read it myself.”

“Ah,” he says again, and he seems to relax a bit. “That’s good.”

We lapse into silence. At this distance I can almost feel his gaze boring into my skull, but somehow I can’t make myself look up.

At last Mr. Bentham clears his throat. “Then, if you are satisfied the way things are…”

“I am, Sir. More than satisfied.”

“You’ll let me know if there’s anything else I can do?” he says, though it’s not really a question.

“I will, Sir.”

“Then… you are dismissed.”

I spread my skirts out of habit and bob with a nervous curtsey, and duck out of the room. As soon as the door is closed behind me I collapse against it, clutching at my heart. It feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest!

I don’t know why I’m being like this, I think, my face flaming when I think of how close we just were to one another. I was so shy, I hope I didn’t do or say anything inappropriate. Truthfully, there was so much I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t know how. I would hate for Mr. Bentham to think I was a shameless person. If only there was a way for me to properly convey my feelings…

Suddenly inspired, I hurry from the master’s office and return to the kitchen where Mrs. Agate’s just getting settled in her corner chair for a short nap.

“Mrs. Agate!”

“Gracious, girl!” she jerks aright. “What on earth’s gotten into you?”

“I’m sorry, Ma’am, but, well— might I have a piece of paper and borrow your pen and some ink? I can pay you for them.”

“You come in here screeching like a barn owl for that?” her glare is positively murderous.

“I’m sorry! But, well— can I have them?”

“Go!” she shoos me with her plump hand. “You know where my room is, the door’s unlocked. I trust you to take only what you need.”

“Oh, I will. Thank you, Mrs. Agate.”

Her reply is a grunt as she folds her hands atop her stomach and settles back in her chair. I hurry down the hall to her room and seat myself at her desk.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t have dared to ask for such a thing. Rather, I wouldn’t have had time to do so. But since Evelyn’s going a bit easier on me now, and it seems as though I have Mr. Bentham’s support, I feel like it might be alright to do something like this. 

I know it’s presumptuous of me to write him a letter. Very probably he will take one look at it and toss it in the trash. But just once, I’d like to make the effort to properly convey my feelings.

With nervous fingers I spread a paper before me, and dip the tip of the pen into the inkwell.

Dear… Mister… Bentham…

Roderick

I sit frowning at my desk in a perplexing mood, my elbow propped on the table, my mouth resting against my fist.

I feel glad Thedra is well again. But I also feel frustrated. After all that had passed between us in the last few days I had hoped she would have grown a little closer to me. But judging by the way she’s just acted, it seems we’ve made no progress at all.

I’m being unfair to her. After all, she was unconscious almost the whole time I took care of her, and it feels inappropriate somehow to let her know all the things I did in that time. It would seem like bragging, like I was trying too hard to win her attention.

Still, I can’t help but wish she had lifted her head for me just once.  

Is it possible she did not wish to look at me because she still hasn’t really forgiven me for what happened? Certainly, it is. Or perhaps she simply does not wish to look at me because I’m so ugly. I could hardly blame the girl for that. Even so, the thought leaves me feeling a little hollow inside. A little… lonely.

I guess this has been a one-sided love from the beginning. I can’t be annoyed with her for not reciprocating my feelings, no matter how powerful they are. I’m frustrated we haven’t been able to get any closer, but if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

With nothing else to do I put on my coat and take myself outside into the bitter cold. The first snow of the season falls from a gray blanket of clouds and dusts the fields with white. My boots leave heavy tracks as I make my way over the hills, walking briskly with no real destination in mind.

I do my best not to think of Thedra. I do my best not to think at all. If possible, I would just like to absorb the silence of the countryside and make it a part of me.

I stop on the crest of a hill and overlook my estate with a bittersweet feeling, my breath mingling with the frosty air in little white puffs.

Here, I think. Here, I shall have a moment of peace.

But I am wrong.

The silence I hoped would overcome me and take the place of my whirling thoughts only serves to amplify them. My mind is reeling with questions.

For what have I lived my life for until this moment? For what reason did I serve my king, and take the lives of so many enemy soldiers? For what did I win that life or death struggle with my adversary that night, and take on this disfigurement? What use to me is my profession, and all my riches? What use is there to anything, if I must live so alone?

It is not the first time I have contemplated questions of such a philosophical nature. But it is the first time I’ve ever done it with such a feeling of emptiness in my breast.

I linger on this hill a long while in solitude. Cold seeps into my toes, and I’m reminded of the winter nights I spent in the trenches on the frontlines.

Shadows deepen. Somewhere behind the clouds, the sun begins to set. At last I turn, and begin the long trek home. 

Mrs. Agate’s prepared me a wonderful supper, but I have no appetite. I’m sure she’ll be annoyed when I hardly touch it, but I’m equally as sure she will have no qualms about eating the leftovers.

Inside my room a fire blazes cheerily in the hearth. I feel a pang of regret when I think Thedra might have been the one to make it, and that I missed the opportunity to speak with her again. But, perhaps it’s for the best, I think as I loosen my cravat and slip out of my vest. I shouldn’t look for her so ardently anymore, or expect anything more of her than she’s been willing to give until now. I’ll only be disappointed if I do.

I am unbuttoning the sleeves of my shirt when I spy a white rectangle laid across my pillow. A letter? Rather like the one I left on Thedra’s bed, I think with a sudden foolish thrill. But she wouldn’t have written me back. Would she? Quickly, I unfold the paper and read the message inscribed within. 

Dear Mister Bentham,

I apologize if this is inappropriate; I hope you will forgive my impudence. But I feel such gratitude towards you that I struggle to express it properly in your presence. Please allow me to say it here:

My room is beautiful. I was touched beyond words at your thoughtfulness, and I’m moved to tears each time I think I serve such a benevolent and caring master.

I will work hard in the future to be someone deserving of such courteous treatment.

Sincerely,

Your Humble Servant

P.S. My father used to read ‘Friend of the Stars’ to me when I was little. It is my favorite book.

I read the letter again. The words fall on my heart like drops of rain on hard packed earth, and the small seed of hope that had buried itself deep within me, the seed I thought must surely die, begins to shake with life and send out little white roots.

Warmth floods me, and heaviness is traded for such a feeling of weightlessness I think I might lift right off the floor.

I’m a fool, I think, catching myself grinning from ear to ear. I’m sure I am the greatest fool that’s ever been born. But let this fool hold out hope just a little longer.

There is yet a chance I can make her mine.