Jisung takes a sip of beer from the can. He seems to be trying to process what Felix has just confessed to him, though it’s hard—really hard—to wrap his head around it. Felix can tell from his expression that there’s a lot Jisung wants to say but is holding back. Maybe he’s afraid of hurting Felix’s feelings? That he’ll end up saying something upsetting? Well, if that’s the case, there’s not much to worry about: Felix’s feelings have already been run over by a truck named Bang Chan, thanks a lot.

It’s evening. They both finished work just a few hours ago, and their dinner consisted of adding hot water to instant ramen. Felix lets the pad of his index finger trace the metal edge of the can, slowly.

“So… emotional mess aside… how was it?”

Felix looks up, surprised. “Kissing Chan…?”

“Yeah, that too.”

Felix lets out a soft sigh, resting his cheek on his hand as he gazes out the window. There’s nothing to see out there since it’s dark, so his eyes linger on the lamp’s reflection. “I don’t know. It was… unreal. Really. Maybe I didn’t fully experience it because it all felt too strange. It felt like a game, a performance, something completely meaningless… then, when we kissed again, it was different. More primal, desperate. That’s when it felt real. I almost thought that maybe Chan had wanted it for a while. Especially because then… well, you know. Anyway, as soon as it was over, he shoved me aside like I was trash and left the room. I don’t know. I feel like he couldn’t even look at me because the whole thing disgusted him so much.”

Jisung listens calmly, stretching his legs out under the table. “First off, Chan is an asshole. Like, a monumental-level asshole. And second… this whole thing doesn’t sit right with me. It never has. If I’m as straight as I claim to be and I want to invite someone to a party, it sure as hell wouldn’t be my best friend dressed as a woman. And I definitely wouldn’t kiss him. And I sure as hell wouldn’t let him blow me—”

“Got it,” Felix cuts him off, waving his hand in the air. “Anyway, it happened. Ridiculous. You know—I thought I’d be thrilled the entire time, but instead, I feel disappointed. I idealized Chan for so many years, thinking I’d feel fireworks explode in my chest the moment we touched. And in a way, I did. But maybe only because, in my imagination, he wanted me too? But in reality, he didn’t, and I knew it?”

Jisung takes Felix’s hand in his, giving it a squeeze. “He wanted you. Even if it sounds ridiculous, trust me—someone who’s dealt with a ton of ‘straight but not straight’ guys—he wanted you. He just doesn’t have the balls to deal with it. He’s definitely a young gay guy in the closet.”

Felix snorts. “You’re talking nonsense. There isn’t a man alive who likes pussy more than Chan does.”

“Yet…” Jisung says, standing up from the table to gather the bowls and bring them to the sink, “he got a blowjob from his best friend. He didn’t bring a girl to his room at the party.”

Felix flushes slightly at the directness of Jisung’s words. He presses his hands to his face and exhales deeply. “I just need to forget about this whole thing and move on. What’s done is done. And since Chan hasn’t even sent me a single text, I guess it’s officially the end of our friendship. I need to… get through this somehow, at least until the feelings fade and the sadness of losing him finally hits me.”

Jisung turns on the water and starts rinsing the bowls. He grabs the dish soap and squeezes a small amount onto the green sponge. “If we weren’t working ourselves to death all the time and coming home completely exhausted, I’d tell you to forget Chan at one of the gay bars in town with me. But I’m too old for clubbing during the workweek.”

Felix stands and joins Jisung to dry the bowls. “Don’t even get me started. I feel like I was never young enough for that—not even when I technically was. And casual sex doesn’t interest me. I don’t think it would help.”

“A good orgasm always helps,” Jisung quips.

Felix sighs and shakes his head. “Not in this case. I’ve got too much to process. Chan has been the most important person in my life for so long that I don’t even know how I’ll… get used to his absence. Right now, it still feels unreal, you know? Like this is just a natural break, and soon we’ll talk again. But the rational part of me knows it’s not. That we won’t talk again. Because neither of us will have the guts to confront what happened at the party.”

“I could talk to him,” Jisung offers.

“And say what? That I’m in love with him? Or that I miss him? What difference would it make? He already knows—or at least he suspects. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“Maybe it would. Or maybe I could just point out that he’s a spineless asshole.”

“Great strategy,” Felix says sarcastically. “Just drop it. It doesn’t matter. I’m not angry with him—I actually feel bad if he’s feeling confused. I’d definitely be confused if I were convinced I was straight and something like this suddenly happened.”

“Are you really so sure Chan’s never thought about you the way you’ve thought about him?”

Felix shrugs. “There’s no certainty in life. But I think so. I think he’s never seen me as anything more than his best friend.”

“Maybe. But like I said, this whole thing doesn’t sit right with me.”

The two friends drink beer until they’ve finished an entire case. Then, with full bellies and light heads, they start packing Felix’s things into a duffel bag. Felix will miss this apartment, even though he had to crash on Jisung’s bed almost every night and race him for the bathroom every morning. He’ll miss Jisung’s wild advice and having him close by. If there’s one thing that scares him about going home, it’s the loneliness.

But Chan’s already abandoned him once, hasn’t he?

This is nothing new.