When Felix opens his eyes, he finds himself in a hospital room. His forearms are wrapped in thick bandages that numb his arms and restrict his movements. There’s pain— a sharp, burning sensation— but he can’t tell what caused it. The last thing he remembers is being in a courtroom, standing trial.

He turns onto his side. He isn’t afraid— that emptiness in his mind is all too familiar by now. He’s lost count of how many times he’s woken up only to realize he’s missing entire chunks of his memory. So, finding himself injured and in an unfamiliar place doesn’t faze him in the slightest. He closes his eyes, trying to recall something— anything. His mind offers little in return.

Hyunjin’s father shoves him against the wall. His large hands grip the collar of his shirt, his face flushed red as he shouts in his face. Hyunjin pushes him off, jabs a finger at him. They argue, voices raised. Then, his father turns to Felix, eyes round and bloodshot, spitting saliva with every word. Hyunjin shoves him aside, grabs Felix by the wrist, and drags him away.

For some reason, the scene in his memory is silent. It’s unlikely that he didn’t hear anything they said, yet no matter how hard he tries to focus, he can’t remember the reason behind the fight. Most likely, Hyunjin’s father didn’t take kindly to him trying to shoulder part of the blame for Ivan’s death. Felix imagines the man saw him as the root of all his son’s problems— and, in a way, that’s exactly what Felix and Hyunjin are to each other: trouble.

He shuts his eyes again. He can feel there’s more to remember if only he can concentrate hard enough. Slowly, he breathes in and out, willing himself to relax. He’s on the verge of grasping something when the door creaks open. His eyes snap wide— a sudden surge of fear— but it’s just a nurse. She’s young, pretty, Caucasian. She walks up to him, pulling a small flashlight from her pocket.

"How long have you been awake?"

Felix shakes his head. He doesn’t know. His throat is so dry and sore that he can’t even speak.

"A long time?"

He shakes his head again.

"Good. You were kept sedated for a few days, for your own safety. We stopped the anesthetic a few hours ago. You’ll likely experience intense nausea in the next few hours— if you feel the urge to vomit, don’t fight it. You need to flush the anesthetic out of your system. Now, follow the light with your eyes," she instructs, switching on the small flashlight.

The moment the beam invades his pupil, a new memory burns its way into his mind.

"What does this mean?"
"Exactly what you heard."
"I don’t know what the fuck I heard. What I heard can’t be real. I must be losing my mind."
"You definitely are, but that doesn’t change the facts. This is how things are."
"That’s impossible. If this were true— if what you’re saying is true, then everyone would know."
"You think all information is available to the public?"
"…"
"This thing that seems huge to you right now? It’s just a speck compared to everything you don’t know— to everything even I don’t know. Get used to it. This is the world we live in."
"Why me?"
"Because I wanted to understand you. Then I got to know you. We talked a few times before— not many, just a couple."
"I don’t remember that."
"It doesn’t matter. Even if your memory were intact, you wouldn’t remember. We only spoke for a few seconds."
"Your life would’ve been easier if you’d just let things play out the way they were supposed to."
"Yeah, that’s true. But yours wouldn’t."
"It’s insane to think this life is the better alternative."
"Try to get some sleep now. Stop thinking about it. We have the second hearing tomorrow."
"You should stay out of the whole Ivan situation."
"I can’t do that."
"Of course, you can."
"Then I don’t want to. Now sleep."

"Does this happen often?" the nurse asks. Her face looks worried now.

The flashlight is on the floor, its beam casting a perfect circle against the wall. For some reason, Felix notices that before realizing that he himself is also on the ground. The nurse is kneeling beside him.

"What…?" His voice is hoarse, speaking hurts, but he forces himself to do it anyway. "What happened?"

"You had a seizure," she says. "Your mind is under extreme strain. You’re going to need a long stay in the hospital and an even longer recovery before you fully heal."

Felix says nothing. He doesn’t have the strength, nor the desire to. And anyway, he has the feeling that even if he asked questions, he wouldn’t get any answers— just like always.

"I don’t know," he murmurs after a while. "Sometimes… the memories come back."

The nurse pours a few drops into a glass and dilutes them with water.

"For sleep," she says.

Felix stares at the glass. He just woke up.

And yet, he’s back in a damn white room.
He’s covered in wounds he doesn’t remember getting.
He has no memories that could explain why he’s here.
He’s back at square one.

Sleeping doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.
It would be even better if he didn’t wake up afterward.

He downs the liquid in a single gulp. Even lukewarm, the water burns against his throat.

"Hyunjin," he mumbles as the nurse helps him back onto the bed. Felix pulls his legs under the blanket, buries his head into the pillow. "Is he okay?"

The nurse presses her lips into a thin line. "In your condition, you should only be worrying about yourself."

Felix closes his eyes.

It feels like falling backward, losing balance, his stomach twisting violently from the vertigo.

Suddenly, he's back in the courtroom.

The judge glares at him, his gavel striking down again and again, the sharp crack echoing in Felix’s skull.

"For the murder of Timothy Rodson, this court finds you guilty."

"For the murder of…" "…this court finds you guilty."

"For the murder of Ivan Kozlov, this court finds you guilty."

Pain. Only pain. Felix can't feel anything else.

His hands clutch his hair, fingers digging into the strands, pulling. He can only think about forgetting. About how he can't bear it. He can't. He just can't.

The judge speaks again.

"The period of Atonement, initially set for a duration of days…"
"…will be extended to a period of years…"
"…to be served in imprisonment…"

Hyunjin is on his feet. He’s saying something—his voice is steady, clear—but Felix is too lost in a different kind of pain to care. Too consumed to even consider his own fate. They could do whatever they wanted with him. Felix couldn't live anymore.

"Are you sure?"

"Your Honor, I take full responsibility."

"I request a one-month suspension. The boy will remain imprisoned for another thirty days. If, at the end of those thirty days, you still stand by your decision, I will know you are not acting on impulse and grant your request."

"Thank you, Your Honor."

Felix feels tears streaming down his face.

He doesn’t know why, but it feels like someone has carved a hollow void into his stomach. Every time he tries to steady himself, Cassidy’s smiling face flashes in his mind.

The sun shines behind her, highlighting her natural beauty.

He has never missed her this much in his entire life.

He would give anything to hold her one last time.
He would give anything to tell her he’s sorry.
He would give anything to go back.
He would give anything to save her.

"For the murder of Cassidy Meyer, this court finds you guilty."

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