“I wasn’t able to listen to everything, so how did it go?” Silas asked me. Once again he was sitting across from my desk, leaned back and casual. He was drinking a nolia made from sphrigberry and diluted with kline. He offered me a glass, and I accepted. Normally, I hated drinking as it made me feel even more off my rocker than I usually was, but today was a strenuous day and I could use a drink. The fizz and the familiar bitter, slightly sour, kline-sweetened taste combined to make my ears pop. The sensation hit my tongue hard. My lips puckered and my eyes watered at the sensation. Silas chuckled a bit at my expression. He knew I was a lightweight who rarely got drunk, so this taste was rare for me.

Once I regained my wits, I answered his question. “it was alright. Halfway through, I realized a reschedule would be better than a push for the tellers in school’s bill.” 

“Oh, is that why you called for a recess?” 

“No, the recess was because I realized I would need to reopen my mind for the fifth time.” Silas set his glass down on my desk with a thud. The pink liquid sloshed around, bubbling and foaming, till he finally sat back down again and picked it up. 

“You aren’t.” His voice was stern and the flush from his face was gone. My words seemed to remove the drinks’ effect. He looked completely serious. The easy, relaxed expression was gone, replaced by a man on a mission. Once more he stood to pace the room, muttering to himself about how this was a bad idea. Or how I wouldn’t be able to survive another time. I had no clue what he was referring to. I could only work from a memory I didn’t have.

“I have to.” I turned my attention to the flowers he had drawn me, that were placed on the corner of my desk. They were full of color, something I wished my mind was. Every day, I had to force myself to wake from the inky blackness that took hold of my thoughts and dreams. My mind was a landscape of broken mirrors I could never traverse. Every time I did, my skin ended up cut. Glass would stick out of my body from all angles. My heart would wither and lose its shape. My light cores would dim and sometimes crack. I was incomplete. Memories make a person, they teach you what to do and what to avoid. They help shape who you are and what you aren’t. They prevent you from making the same mistakes that others, or you, have made in the past. Without these memories, you are a shell of what you could be. You aren’t able to fulfill your purpose. The cycle of heartbreak, misery, and rediscovery traps you. You must reteach yourself to everyone close to you. Everything you’ve ever known. I had to do this. Not only for myself and to heal, but also for my people. I had a planet to rule and I can’t do my job to the fullest if I’m stuck looking like an idiot in front of so many knowledgeable people.

“No, you don’t.” Silas’s two toned eyes stared at me in frustration. He looked like he wanted to say so many things, but couldn’t find the words for them. Instead of making his voice heard, he ran his hands through his hair to calm himself. 

“Yes, I do!” I exclaimed in frustration. Who was he to tell me what I could and could not do? “You don’t know what it’s like not being able to remember. You couldn’t possibly fathom not remembering your deceased family or having to get told. Every. Single. Day. That your family is dead. That you were adopted or that your childhood friend is dead. Or having to keep a journal of what happened that day, or month, or year. Or recapping your whole life with the help of pictures and videos. No one would understand unless they have been through it.” My vision became blurry, my throat closed up, and my eyes stung like never before. Maybe it was the effect of the nolia that was making my tongue so loose or my emotions so free. But once the tears started, they didn’t stop. I broke out into sobs, crying about everything and nothing at the same time. Silas walked over and pulled me into a hug. Tears stained his eyes, similar to mine.

“Selene, you don’t know how much I have been helping you. Intentionally, I put those pictures and videotapes in your room on purpose. I wrote journals and diaries about our childhood and the first time we met. I was the one that told you about your family. Hell, I was there for the aftermath when Sunny died. I experienced all of those things because I was the one who helped you with them. I became your advisor because there was no else who could handle you, and I knew that. You knew it too, that’s why you reached out to me. Once I accepted, I decided I would be the best damn advisor you ever had. Even if that meant being your staff when you couldn’t trust anyone else.” He pulled back from the hug to make eye contact. A pair of eyes, one hazel, one bluish purple, stared at me. They were filled with so much sincerity, so much passion, and care. It felt like everything he was saying came from the deepest part of his soul. “I’m only saying no because I was there the other four times when you tried. The first time was even my idea. I spent so much of my time caring for you and helping you that while you were on Earth, I couldn’t stop wondering about your wellbeing. Especially after Sirius. I just want you to be safe, and I want you to continue to thrive and flourish. I don’t want this to set you back.” I was in complete disbelief. How could I not have remembered he did all of those things for me? Why wasn’t his sentiment enough to impact my mind? How did I always disregard everything Silas did? I’ve known him for years, yet I’m constantly on the defense whenever we talk. Why? No matter how many times I asked myself, the answer would not appear. I kept repeating ‘why’ but there was no solving this mystery without my past. Though I did not speak it out loud, I knew in my heart that I couldn’t keep running. The chase had to stop. At some point, everyone is afraid of their past, but being afraid does not mean I do not have to face my fears. Eventually, everyone has to. I had to be brave, to show that I wanted to make an effort, to fix all of my planet’s issues. It went deeper than me. Deeper than I could ever have known, but to swim in the ocean you have to step into the pool. 

“Silas. Truly, from the bottom of my soul, thank you. You shouldn’t have to burden the trauma of two people.” My words came out rushed, breathy, and between sobs. I desperately needed to know just how much he’s done. “Which is why I have to do this. If you support me through this last time, then I won’t ask about this again. I’ll move on and live without memories.” Though it saddened my heart to not be whole, I would hate to see him broken in the same way even more.

“Look, I don’t want you to be incomplete. I don’t want you to feel you can’t try to remember your life out of duty and respect for what I’ve done. Forcing you to forget was not my intention when I did all of that. I was being selfish. Every time you ask me this question, I look deep into myself and it turns out that I don’t want to repair you every time. If you feel you can survive this, I will back down. I won’t protest further, but consider all the possibilities. Truly think about every consequence, for example, your mood splits. How am I supposed to know they won’t get worse after this? How am I supposed to know that one choice won’t erase all my efforts to nurse you into a functioning being?” His words came out like cool, gentle rain, calming but enough to shock me into making a proper choice. On one hand, it washed away the ache in my heart, but on the other side, it made me think about the side effects of my decisions. He sighed deeply and sat back down in his chair. I followed suit. “I’ll help you, but on the condition that we record everything and transcribe it into books. We should document you experience. They won’t get published unless you want them to, but they will serve as a reminder and reference to your testament.”

“Okay.” I had nothing to say. My mind was racing with the opportunities that would come after I have my memory back. I reached for my glass and took another sip. This time, the pink liquid didn’t seem all that intimidating. Maybe the Stars blessed me, maybe it was the drink, but this day wasn’t as bad as I thought. Silas seemed comfortable with the silence. His mannerisms relaxed, and the stress vanished from under his eyes as quickly as it appeared. His hand flew to his dress shirt to unbutton the first few buttons. 

We finished the bottle and tried to discuss the Solstice Ball planning, but that proved to be difficult as we were both under the nolia’s influence. My thoughts jumbled, and I grew drowsy. My heart raced so fast it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest at any moment. The nolia shaded the events afterwards in one big moment. From then on, it was difficult to tell what was real and what was not.

~~~

The glaring light of the morning shined brightly in my eyes, making them ache and turning my mind into mush. I rose slowly, trying to make out my surroundings, but my eyes still needed to adjust. My temples were throbbing hard but slow causing the pain to feel even worse. I haven’t had a headache like this in years. The nolia must have been stronger than I thought because when I looked left, I saw a figure move. Not only was Silas in my room, but he was also in my bed under the bedding. I just about screamed when I realized it was not a dream. He even had the nerve to still be asleep with no care in the world. I quickly jumped up from my bed, causing my foot to get caught on the bedding. I let out a small yelp when I landed on my rear end. Apparently, that was enough to wake him from his slumber because he immediately grumbled and looked around for the alarm clock that he kept by his bedside. Once he realized that this was not his room, he immediately jumped up, head on a swivel. You could see every inch of blood draining from his face when we locked eyes. It was enough to make me let out a small giggle. The situation was so juvenile that even I couldn’t take it seriously. A cliché, if you will. 

“Are you seriously laughing?” He turned his head away in shame, though I could still see some pink from the tips of his ears. Silas couldn’t hold his laughter for much longer as he soon joined in with my giggles. “This reminds me of a time when we were teens. It was summer, or maybe fall, and all three of us decided to sneak out of your house. We ended up at a random twenty-four-hour general store. They had an extensive ilano stock, and we thought we could get away with buying a bottle. It only worked because the worker recognized you as the adoptive daughter from the Minth Family and let it slide.” At this part, he stopped and gave me a look, as if I were privileged to be adopted by the Minths. “On the way to the local park, Sunny tripped on a rock and it was the funniest thing in the world to us. We found a bench and popped the bottle open, each of us passing it around taking sips. Anyway, we ended up getting caught when we went to sneak back in because we smelled like ilano. Honestly, I’m not sure how this reminded me of that time, but it was one of my favorite memories of your house.” He smiled shyly. By then we were both sitting on my bed facing each other. Whenever he talked about the past, and sunny to be specific, his two toned eyes lit up and his face seemed to soften. We must’ve had an interesting childhood. 

Silas shared more stories with me because of my asking, each more interesting and exciting than the last. Parts of me were ashamed that I could not come up with stories of my own, but others were enjoying the history he gave. He was mid story when a knock sounded on the door. I looked at him in question to who it would be. 

“Is something the matter?” I called out to whoever was on the other side. The mystery was frightening. Normally, I never had other visitors besides Silas this early in the day. I slowly rose from the bed and creeped over to the door. 

“Yes, actually, I came to discuss the claim of who was behind the decrease.” From that sentence alone, I knew exactly who was on the other side. The owner’s gravely voice shook something deep in my core. I could feel a split coming. 

“You can make your way to my office for those kinds of concerns, or schedule a meeting time with my advisor instead of showing up in my private space unannounced.” My eyes turned to Silas, who had also seemed to connect the dots. He gestured wildly, trying to confirm his suspicions. I nodded my head and worry replaced the relaxed expression he had before. His eyes said something important. I tilted my head in a question. What was he trying to tell me? When I didn’t understand, he started mouthing the words, ‘You don’t have to see him.’ I nodded again, but my mind still raced and the panic was still there. It wasn’t until I heard his footsteps recede that my heartbeat slowed. I let out a shaky breath and slid down the door. Maybe I wouldn’t be this shaken if I could know exactly what he did to me. The uncertainty makes it even harder to fully calm down. I don’t want a split or to forget. I can’t. 

“Can you clear my schedule for today, please? I think we need to work on my memories for today.” For the first time in a few minutes, I looked up. Silas was not there. Instead, he was sitting beside me, staring. I bet this was as hard for him as it was for me. He didn’t seem scared though, more like the inevitable was happening. 

“Sure. But we should take a few moments to clean up.” I turned my head, looking at his bed head made me wonder how horrible I looked. My face heated immediately. Silas turned away, and we fell into a comfortable silence. Part of this felt familiar, but I wasn’t completely sure why.