The worst summer of my childhood started when my mother and I got into an argument. My mother’s frustration stemmed from my unwillingness to go to the starlight banquet that day. It was a chance to network with other girls my age and build useful connections for my future. I had just finished throwing out the female-full gender pills that she placed on my purple nightstand. She would force me to take six a day, though the prescribed amount was only two. In the mornings, my mother would place the six pills by my beside, and wake me up. Groggy and not fully conscious, I obliged, popping each cherry flavored pill into my mouth, one after the other. Then she would give me a cup of eglar tea for its enhancement properties. Every time we did this routine, she would pause, making sure I had fully swallowed. Some days, she would open my mouth and check under my tongue to see if the pills were there. She did this routine every day until the summer I was to be five. For some odd reason, the transition of going into introductory school made think about who I truly was. My mother told me I was a full female, like her, and all our ancestors. As Starlights, we come from a matriarchy. Poliria, the Star Original, was our first matriarch. Then it was her daughter, and her daughter after that. I come from a long line of female power. So, naturally, my mother would want me to be the next in power for the Enregi family. She craved this desire so much that she forced it upon me until my final straw. Before that though, I didn’t mind doing it if it mean protecting my younger sister. If we didn’t comply with her wishes, she would hit us or lock us in our rooms. Mostly, she did this to me because my younger sister actually enjoyed being female and would do all the girly things mother wanted. Whenever I rebelled against my mother, she would get really controlling with my sister. She would grab her wrists, restrict her diet, and keep her home away from friends. I couldn’t stand seeing her cry every time this happened. All because I didn’t feel comfortable in the skin of a woman. So I took the blame. I stopped throwing the pills away, acting out, and rebelling. My mother’s manipulation worked on me until that specific summer. 

School let us go the day before, and staying up all night texting had left me tired. My mother started our little routine again. This time, though, I wasn’t feeling it. After she made me sit up, I pushed her hand away. I flinched at her touch. Everything about her was ice cold, right down to her fingertips.

“Poiloa, what are you doing?” The room grew frigid, and I felt her gaze pierce my soul. My left hand traced circles on my blush pink comforter while my right tugged at my hair. It was a comforting habit that took my mind off the current moment. “I asked you a question.” She commanded. Her right hand gripped my chin, forcing it upwards whilst her left hand removed my hand from my hair. “Pretty girls keep their hair intact. Now, you know what happens when you don’t answer fast enough, right?” Her bitter words pierced my heart, and I tried to peel my gaze away, but her hand kept me firm. 

“I don’t want to take them.” My words were shaky but certain. Firm, even. Though in my heart I knew she wouldn’t stand for this, I had to stick up for myself. No matter the damage or cost. I was tired of feeling like a stranger in my body, like an intruder in someone’s rightful home. It was awful, everything I did felt weird. Especially when I looked in the mirror and saw the girlish features that resembled my mother greatly so. On multiple occasions, I broke the mirrors in my room, yet my mother persisted and replaced each one. I could never truly be free from her, no matter how hard I tried. “Please, Mother, no, Pehlima.” Deep down I wanted to anger her, so I did it in the best way possible; disrespect.

“Do not call me that! I am your mother, and no amount of ill behavior on your end will change that.” She was yelling now, in my face too. Her minty fresh breath assaulted my nose and blurred my eyes. This time I fully looked at her, and I don’t think I will ever be able to forget those eyes. Oh, her eyes, the eyes I partially shared. The eyes I’ve always wanted to gouge out, not only from her, but from myself. Those damn blue eyes. “Listen to me carefully, Poiloa, you will obey me, you will never disrespect me ever again, or else Pilha pays the price. If you don’t listen to me, I have no choice but to disown you because a child that behaves this way could never be mine.” At the mention of my sister, my eyes drifted towards my bedroom door. Just as I thought, enormous hazel eyes were fearfully looking in on the situation. We made eye contact, and she fled, her honey brown hair vanishing with a silent whoosh. “Do you hear me?! Or am I not going to be your mother from now on? Hm? Answer me!” 

“My friend told me that a mother should never treat her kids this way! So if you are my mother, then I wouldn’t mind not having a family.” My eyes were teary. It was a big decision for a five-year-old to make, but my mother didn’t care. 

“Have it your way, then. Don’t even try to pack a bag or take a keepsake. We’re leaving right now.” From then on, the next few moments were a blur. The last thing I remember was grabbing a ring that was a matching pair with my sister before being dragged by my hair. We eventually arrived at a building in Lower Mona; its sign displayed the word ‘ORPHANAGE’ in bright, fun, attractive letters. My mother walked me inside to the receptionist. The poor guy tried to make small talk with my mother, but she had no interest. She simply pushed me aside and left; she signed no documents, did nothing. No questions asked. Odd, but in that moment it wasn’t unusual. The gravity of what I had just done weighed heavily on me, in that moment I cried. Hard. Until they dragged me into a room and sedated me. Tears were all truly felt from that day. Everything else was blurry. 

~~~

Cold. Everything was cold. Or was it just me? My chest felt tight, heavy even. I tried to inhale, but nothing. My lungs wouldn't work, and no oxygen touched my lips; I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe. 

Sharp breath in. 

Didn’t work

Another Sharp breath in.

Still not working.

An even sharper breath in.

Why isn’t it working?

Sharp breath in.

Again, why?

I-I keep trying to breathe in, but I can’t. Why can’t I? 

Sting.

Tears balled in my eyes. I can’t cry, I won’t cry. Why was I even thinking of that time? That dreadful place…

“Silas! What are you doing sleeping in here again?” A familiar voice snapped me from my thoughts. Like magic, the tears slowly dispersed, however not before one slid down my cheek. Wait, a familiar voice? Shouldn’t I be in my room by now? Last night…last night…oh! I was working late on some papers, then I had to put the finished ones on Selene’s desk and pick up more papers from her office. Her office. Oh. I must’ve sat down for a quick second and fallen asleep. 

“I was, uh, working late. We had a lot to plan for the Annual Closing Ceremony, so I was getting us ahead. I remember you saying that we need more off days.” My voice was surprisingly shaky and quiet. I need to leave, but knowing Selene, she would never let me go after seeing my face. Instinctively, my hand softly tugged at my hair. 

“That didn’t mean you had to work on that right now. I was joking, man if I knew you would take me so seriously…” her purple eyes shone bright, instead of being tired like how they normally are. Er, were, at the beginning of her reign. They now had a renewed vigor; her hair even seemed longer. Longer? I sprung from my chair, gripping her shoulders. 

“Selene, did your hair grow?” I bet I looked crazy right now. First, I was sleeping in her office, now I’m asking about random things like her hair length. Well, it’s not completely random; she did reopen her mind a few months ago. The hair is the best way to measure memory regrowth. I didn’t think the treatment would work, but I guess some things can’t automatically change.

“Yeah! I was waiting for you to notice.” She smiled warmly, her cool brown skin flushing ever so slightly. She stepped back, crossing her arms, “by the way, what were you dreaming about? Hm? Don’t think I didn’t notice. I’m not that oblivious anymore.” Though she was trying to show me she cared, her words at the end made my heart sting. How could she think that when she was never oblivious to anything? If all, she was always an attentive person, even during our school days. Always asking me if something was wrong because I seemed down, always comforting me when I came clean about my mom. Accepting me when I decided to transition. And when Sunny was struggling too; she always found a way to care about us, sort of like our glue to the world. That was just who she was. 

“My mom, well, sort of, more like the time she disowned me to teach me a lesson. I never really told you about this because I didn’t fully remember it, and because I didn’t want to burden anyone with something that happened so long ago.” I tried to laugh it off, but the sound was dry, sarcastic even. Maybe I’m not the only one who needs help. 

“Oh. Silas that’s horrible. How could she do that? You didn’t deserve that at all.” She grabbed my hand from my side, holding it so comfortingly I could actually cry. I didn’t, but still, the sentiment was there. Her eyes looked so warm, so gentle. Different from the pair that looked at me with hatred, I don’t think I could ever forget the way my mother stared at me that day. 

“It’s no big deal. I was used to it at that point, however her taking me to an orphanage? That was a new low.” Wait a minute. The orphanage, something about it, reminded me of a briefing I showed Selene some time back. Where is my briefing tablet? I’m sure I had some records in there about an orphanage. Though the place was actually a front for child trafficking and experimenting on the kidnapped kids. Frantically, I searched for the green device. I was looking near the floor when a thought suddenly struck me. My office! I’m so stupid. “Selene, I will be right back. Just stay here, okay? You reminded me of something.” Then I was gone, straight to my office it is. I should freshen up while I’m there. I haven’t changed clothes since yesterday. 

My hand gripped the doorknob. Right as I was about to turn it, a foreign scent graced my nose. Vinar and Sphrigberry, an interesting combination for sure. One was fruity and fragrant, while the other was earthy and subtle. I wasn’t expecting any visitors, I think. If only I could check my schedule, but no, my tablet had to be inside my office where my guest was. I should find a mirror as soon as possible, I’m sure I look awful. It didn’t take long for me to freshen up once I made it to my room. My suit had slight creases, my tie was loose, and my hair was messy. A crusty white line graced my cheek, presumably from the tear. I worked my magic and made myself presentable, before rushing over to meet my guest. I hope they hadn’t been waiting long. 

“I’m so sorry for the wait. It completely slipped my mind that there would be a guest today…” I entered the room, looking down and apologetic while slowly walking over to my desk. From then I looked up, and my visitor was not someone I had been looking forward to meet. Fiery orange hair cropped to a military style cut sat atop bright green eyes and warm sunny skin. Ciwe had made himself an appointment with me.

“Oh, it’s no worries. Truth be told, I didn’t actually request a meeting.” His tone was hearty and inviting, but heavily misleading. Oddly enough, he seemed different. I didn’t think six months would be enough to change his attitude, but I could be wrong. No. Either my intuition is shit or this isn’t Ciwe. I’ll play along for now. It could be dangerous if I don’t. 

“So you showed up without notice, unaware I have other obligations to attend to? Interesting. If I wasn’t an official, I would think you wanted something from me.” My lips curved into a friendly smile, though my words were anything but. I need to figure out who this person is. Whatever I say could protect me from something bigger. 

“Oh my, I didn’t mean to impose. I thought you could make time for someone like me. Truth be told, I have a request for you.” Everything that spilled from his mouth confirmed my suspicions. The real Ciwe was probably at his residence in Sol. This fake had to be someone of high caliber, as his illusion magic is impeccable. Narrowing it down, he is either a highly concentrated sun or a star. Maybe even a constellation, no, that’s improbable, they have to announce their visits because of a binding contract. 

“Out with it, like I said before, more pressing matters require my attention.” He needs to leave immediately. This hassle makes me wish I had a secretary. What a silly thought, an advisor needing a secretary? That’s a new low. Maybe I should find some people to work under me…right, I need this guy to leave first. 

“I want to meet with the Supreme Leader today if possible.” His smile was viscous. He probably didn’t have good intentions with Selene, he might even reverse her progress. This is becoming bothersome. 

“Unfortunately, I cannot allow that to happen without any valid reason.” I sighed heavily. Selene always had an odd group hanging around her in SS. That could be our next goal, remembering school and important people. 

“What reason do I need? Can’t an ambassador meet with the leader of our planet?” His faced relaxed slightly with irritation, still showing a smile, though. Staying that happy all the time had to be exhausting. 

“No, they can’t without a good reason. If that’s the only thing you came for today, you may leave.” Whoever was hiding in Ciwe’s body couldn’t have come here for a good reason. He had to be looking for trouble, and I couldn’t let that happen. The safety of Selene was the most important thing to me, even over my life. 

“Very well then. Enjoy your day.” He stood up swiftly, green eyes piercing my skin before turning away and heading out the door. For a second there, I could’ve sworn I saw his eyes change colors.