Beastcake crossed her arms, the muscles in her forearms flexing as she stared Sweet Pea down.

"Did you start that podcast yet? The one you’ve been talking about for four years?"

Sweet Pea, who had been carefully misting his fern collection with filtered rainwater, froze. "Not yet..." he admitted, eyes darting toward the window as if escape was an option.

Beastcake didn’t budge. "We’re starting it today."

"Today?" Sweet Pea squeaked. "Like... today today?"

"Yes." She grabbed a folding table and slammed it into position. "As in, now."

Before Sweet Pea could muster a counterargument, Beastcake had already unearthed a dusty microphone from the hall closet. She set it down like a sacred relic.

"But I haven’t even thought about—"

"You’ve thought about it for four years, Pea. That’s enough." She plugged in the mic. "Welcome to the age of doing."

Sweet Pea sighed, pushing a strand of hair behind his ear. "Okay... okay. Let’s give the people what they want."

---

Beastcake’s voice boomed confidently into the mic. "Welcome to the first episode of Beastcake & Sweet Pea: Archaeopunk. We explore conspiracy theories, alternate history, and paranormal truths they don’t want you to know."

Sweet Pea leaned in. "Hi. I’m Sweet Pea. I’ll mostly be trying to keep things reasonable."

"First topic," Beastcake declared. "Giants existed."

Sweet Pea adjusted the sound levels nervously. "Ah... we’re starting big."

"I’ve seen old photographs of a humanoid skull that could fit multiple people inside it," Beastcake continued. "I think all the monolithic structures we find—the huge doorways, massive stone chairs—those were the old haunts of the giant races."

"Interesting in theory," Sweet Pea said thoughtfully. "That actually makes sense. Especially with sites like Baalbek and Göbekli Tepe."

Beastcake nodded as if the matter was already settled. "Exactly."

---

The two hosts imagined an ancient hall where humans walked among towering stone thrones. A single skull the size of a car rested in the corner, moss growing along the eye sockets.

Sweet Pea gave a low whistle. "So the giants were the original architects?"

"And the original landlords," Beastcake added. "Imagine trying to get your security deposit back from that."

---

"Next," Beastcake said, cracking her knuckles. "Dinosaurs—specifically, velociraptors and T. rex—were poultry for ancient people."

Sweet Pea choked on his herbal tea. "Poultry?"

Beastcake’s eyes gleamed. "Imagine the drumsticks."

Sweet Pea blinked. "Ew, your mouth is watering... help. My girlfriend is Captain Jack Sparrow."

Beastcake grinned. "Silly goose. I just like good food."

---

"So there you have it," Beastcake announced. "Giants built the world, and ancient humans dined like royalty."

"And next week," Sweet Pea added, trying to keep up, "we’ll be investigating the elongated skull people of South America—fact or fiction."

From the couch, their young lynxpoint cat, Prince, raised a single disapproving paw before flopping back to sleep.

---