“Yeah, that’s.. uh… strange.” 

“Pretty much. Makes me kinda feel bad, I feel like I should be giving this to some kid instead. Guess it got here by accident, huh…?” I heard dress shoes clacking up and down on the floor, like she was pacing behind the phone.

“Yeah, I was thinking that too… Shit sucks.”

“Yuh-huh. Definitely. But I don’t really want to get rid of it yet, I mean…” She went silent for a few seconds. “I dunno, guess it came to us for a reason, right? Maybe we shouldn’t sweat it.”

“I guess so.”

“Yeah, well, that’s ‘bout it. I just thought that since we had all that crazy shit happen to us before, you’d get it. Guess I was right, eh? Hope this wasn’t too much of a bother or anything.”

“No. It was nice to hear.”

“So how freaky is it that it can eat food? That’s pretty dang weird.”

“Pretty weird. But I don’t mind.”

“Yeah, me neither. Well, I don’t wanna linger on call for no reason. Catch ya later!”

“Bye.”

The call cut out in less than a second after I said my last words. She must’ve wanted to do something else other than talk on the phone, too. All the conversation did in the end was leave a thick burden on my back. Even though Lux was probably right. Why else would he have come to me? But I was more skeeved out that Lux also had her own at the same time. It made me wonder if any of my friends encountered this, and maybe they hadn’t texted me about it yet. 

But those thoughts vanished quickly compared to a different deluge of thoughts, terrible ones that were pouring through my mind as I tried to avoid looking at Frill. 

Do you really think I shouldn’t have you? Nobody would ever want to live in here, in this fucking hellhole with me, why would you want to?

I couldn’t get myself to say it out loud. The words were gross to just think about, vile as they crawled on my tongue in waiting to spring out. I knew he didn’t want to live in this shitty apartment with me. Who would? Maybe I was personifying him too much, but that was inevitable now. But as I continued to look at him for an answer, my fears fell away one by one. 

You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?

I finished washing him, a new shimmer now glittering across his coat. It was a beautiful white again, so I guess I’d worried too much. I decided I’d clean off the clothes later. I headed to my couch and fell fast asleep with him in my arms once more. 

Are you just for kids? You should leave me for them. It’s not like I deserve this, any of this.

A couple days went past, where nothing of note had occurred. The thought of me depriving kids followed me in my thoughts, even if I tried to avoid it. But I was just selfish. I don’t know why it was bothering me so much now, and it wasn’t a surprise in the slightest. But I wanted to have the comfort all to myself. I didn’t want to lie and make excuses, I was just selfish.

You didn’t have to stay, but here you are.

The next few days, I fed him three snacks for each meal and made sure to refill his water so it didn’t get too lukewarm. I even brushed him after each one, which was even soothing to me, and I hoped it was for him too. I did it every evening. It was like a nice bonding time between us, and his spirit was relaxed with every stroke. Caring for him was no longer a struggle in my mind. Weirdly, it gave me some sort of purpose that I didn’t have to go outside for or talk to people for. The days of feeding and giving him water were fulfilling enough for me.

I came home another day after a large shopping trip. “Hey. Did you miss me?” I said as an extremely dry joke, slamming the door behind me with my foot. The ‘big’ shopping trip was the only time I’d done something particularly different for the last… who knows how long, really. I was able to buy some cheap cupcakes to devour for today. I tossed the bags down on the kitchen floor, kicking the trash away with my foot, and pulled out a cookie. “I have this, it’s a cookie.” I put it on a plastic plate and set it next to him. His fur appeared tousled from me holding him so much, so I groomed it for a few minutes. Each stroke sent a light pulse through my hand, his fur radiating an incandescent crystal glow. It was kind of alluring to look at and graze my fingers through. 

I decided to swap out his dress and then rested him on my lap as I sat on the balcony. It was a windy, clear night, and the stars were twinkling, making swirling patterns in the midnight sky. I could almost hear them glistening as they sat like tiny gems in a pool of dark water, corruscating in and out whenever they desired. I could blink my eyes for the smallest time and a new excited radiant star would be there to greet me. The best part was, nobody could see me well, but even if they could, it probably would’ve been fine. I’d taken a nice warm shower, and I probably smelled and looked… okay, now. 

“It’s nice, huh? I wish the sky was always this bright.” I said softly, tucking my hair behind my ear. I take a quick glance at his eyes, glassy enough to reflect the wonderful scene above me to show that yes, it really did look like that. 

After sitting outside for a while listening to the rustling trees and silver wind, I went back in and fell right asleep, the sights of the heavenly night replaying in my head. It was so peaceful. That one night reminded me of being younger and wearing my pajamas to go outside and look up at the stars with my sisters. The air would be chilly and the wind would tousle our hair and make the trees rustle and flutter, and we’d look up at the shining night sky, then talk about something stupid, while hiding away from our parents. Even though I was vulnerable, it was sometimes the safest, most free I’d felt. I’d forgotten about all that for a long while, and it made me wonder… What else had I forgotten? Most nighttimes I’d ever stared into the stars were from being left in the yard as punishment, but I guess there was a time where… it wasn’t like that all the time.

One evening, a few days later, I had a strong chill go through me as I stroked his fur. My eyes were disturbed to see that he had a miserable expression, that was reaching out for help and comfort.

“What’s wrong?” I said, setting the brush down and caressing his head. “Do you want something else?” I thought for a couple of seconds, trying to think of what I could’ve been missing. I thought I was doing fine. But as I took a glance out the door, the thought hit me that he may just want to leave the house. It was the one thing I hadn’t done. 

“Do you want to go outside?” I took him back to the balcony to let him look at the clouds. “I can’t do much else, sorry.” I trailed off into deeper thought as I started to be ravaged with annoyance. I wanted to stay inside and rest with him, I didn’t want to fuck around outside where everything was screeching as loud as hell and suffocating my entire system. The thought that he was becoming disinterested after all I’d done made me dig my nails into my thigh. Why wasn’t what I was doing enough? 

I didn’t know why I was whining about this. I deserved it. My room still looked awful, despite the fact I’d claimed to be ‘feeling better’. It continued to be cluttered to the brim with tossed cigarettes, leftover food, wrappers, dirty clothes, and plenty of other disgusting, unwashed items. Thinking about the fact that I was forcing him into this made me angry. He was feeling suffocated there, and it made complete sense. He ate the same predictable food, slept on the same couch, looked up at the same part of the sky, was forced to be held by the same arms and was told he had to stay in my disgusting apartment room, so many damn times. If he was as real as I thought now, well… I shouldn’t have been getting myself worked up about his totally valid feelings. But I was a selfish moron.

“Don’t leave, I’ve been with you for too long.” I said, my voice coming out somewhat shaky even though I tried to keep it flat. It was so pathetic for me to beg, but the words tripped out too fast for me to stop them. I pulled him close to my chest and the usual comforting sensation went through me, showing that maybe, everything would be okay in the end. I didn’t want to be in pain again, I didn’t want to suffer anymore. He was giving me the most amazing gift anyone could. But I knew that things were only going to get worse, no matter what I did to avoid it. But a desperate idea broke into my mind.

“Maybe you can go for a walk with me, at least. I’ll try.” I set him down on the couch, making sure he didn’t fall over, and went to the closet. There was an old backpack with many tears from its years on the street with me. I didn’t know if the fact that he was obscured from seeing the outside in a bag would make this all pointless, which is some of why I’d been hesitant, but I had to try now.

“Alright, I’ll put you in this and we can go for a walk together.” I tossed out any garbage inside of it, rested him in the bag, threw it over my shoulder and walked out of my apartment, to where the town was grey and tired. I inhaled the crisp air deeply as the cold nipped at my face and lolled through the barren monotone streets. Any possible remaining sounds around blurred in my ears over time. Frill behind me was determined to keep my whole body warm, an aura of trembling heat wobbling around me and keep me a little cozy. But I could tell he was still losing energy from how feeble it was becoming.

There were dark clouds looming over, threatening to downpour on us both. Not very scenic for him, although I didn’t dislike the rain myself. It was refreshing to me. Even the really hard rain was okay.

“I bet you don’t want it to rain, huh? I’ll make sure you don’t get wet.” I whispered, low and to the point so I didn’t look too weird. I found my way to a bench in the park and decided to relax for a little bit. As I sat down on the cool metal, pulling my sleeves over my hands to keep them from freezing, it started to sprinkle. I started to get slightly damp and chilly, but I pulled him out of the bag anyway to see if I was doing everything right. 

He looked up with a cheerful smile, his fur and face glowing even stronger from the sprinkling rain illuminating his features. But even though he looked joyful at first glance, looking long enough showed there was still an aura of… dejection. Or maybe exhaustion. The rain, even though it made him appear beautiful a few seconds earlier, started to expose a weary, strained smile that couldn’t hide away his degrading life, no matter how hard he tried. I hoped my brain was making it up, that it was projecting onto him, but I was lying to myself. To make myself feel better.

I dragged my fingers through my hair, yanking on the knots, and forcing out a shaky sigh. Why… What am I doing wrong?

“I’m sorry.” I said as low as I could. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” The words rolled off my tongue multiple times and I couldn’t hold them back, even though my brain was begging me to. The pulse in my hands was tender but noticeable as I tried to hold back the anger boiling inside me. There was an unbearable urge to chuck him as far away as possible, to get him away, to save him from my wretched, foul self. It wasn’t him, it was me, it was all me. This was all because of me.

I thought back to the call with Lux, where she mentioned that these were for kids. This was all a mistake, I should’ve known. He’s not for me. This relief wasn’t made for me. That’s probably what’s wrong. It’s for those who deserve it, those who needed it more than I did. It’s for kids who matter, who haven’t done anything wrong.

The rain around me grew stronger, drenching me with millions of drops falling around every inch. They caused a storming, thunderous sound throughout the area, and branches and leaves shook or snapped in the downpour. The rain was unrelenting, hostile, begging me to go home and end the whole thing. My whole body became stiff and soaked, breaking into severe shivers that my weak jacket couldn’t dream of stopping. 

“I.. I’ll keep you for a few more days.” I said, through chattering teeth. “Then I’ll… donate you somewhere… or something…”

I couldn’t see his spirit at all or figure out what he was asking of me as he became soaked, his beautiful clothes becoming ruined while drops streamed down his face. He wasn’t even pleasant to hold anymore, his soaked fur making my fingers overstimulated. I was finally able to process enough to sift him into my bag, and I left, okay with the fact that the storm was hiding my pathetic self away.

I rested right on my couch as soon as I got home and fell asleep yet again, holding him tightly in my brittle arms. Hoping that something would change. That I would wake up with him and he would be happy and content once again. But that never happened. It never did. Every day, he only reached further and further away from me, begging to be left alone.

I continued to rest with him for even more days. Not a single interesting thing had happened throughout them, and I couldn’t tell you a single thing. It was all a blur as I hoped, prayed that he would come back to normal. But again, nothing ever changed. Lethargy paralyzed me enough to glue me to the couch until the day I would have to give him up. I simply didn’t have the motivation or care anymore.

I’m sorry for being so lazy. I thought on an indistinct day, the ceiling blurred above me. I’m sorry if I couldn’t feed you as much. I promise I’ll do better tomorrow. And I would repeat it to him, every day.

But eventually, I awoke with a lump in my chest and a throbbing sensation in my head. My stomach was nauseous and full, my legs were sore, trembling as I pushed them to the floor, and my head was swaying. Instead of Frill awaking me with a gentle reminder, all I awoke with was a violent cough. My arms were empty, void.