“No. No, no, no.” Was all I could manage from my trembling lips as I stumbled around the room looking for him. “Please, come back, why would…” I trailed off into silence, realizing how idiotic that was to ask. But it didn’t hurt any less.

I searched high and low across the apartment, hoping that my gloomy vision was betraying me, or that maybe he was hungry, but the truth was obvious. He had abandoned me. Even the box of clothes and the hairbrush and everything else was just… gone. I sat on the couch, trying to hold back a groan as my teeth gritted in rage.

Well, so much for that bullshit. was all I could think in my mind, over and over.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been so pissed off if I hadn’t, you know, taken care of it for weeks and weeks. I couldn’t recall when I had first gotten it, but it was at least a month, probably. Maybe it wasn’t fair of me to complain. I guess if this was a deal type thing, then it was entirely equal so long as it lasted. But I’d just wished this never even happened in the first place if he was just going to ditch me like that. Or not even speak a single word before leaving. To where, even? I don’t know. I tried to hold back my frustration, and tell myself to get over it, but it was hard to do. I mean, I’d gotten used to it, but now… I was left to my own devices once again. My hands were shaking and I was dripping with sweat, not because I was that upset but because of smoking withdrawals that were now creeping through my whole system. 

After those beginning thoughts ran through my mind, more chills and strikes of pain stabbed my body. The new discomfort was different than before. I thought that maybe I had just forgotten what it was like, but… No. It wasn’t exactly the same as the pain I’d suffered, and it appeared the throbbing, awful pain on my hand was the main culprit of all this.

As I looked at my ugly hand, the memories of what happened that night with the knife flashed in my mind for the first time in a while. The wound appeared to be infected- it hurt like hell, but it also was leaking white liquid, like pus, or something. It was nasty and discolored, and I hadn’t even noticed a damn thing. I couldn’t even bring myself to observe it for very long without getting more nauseous than I already was. And now, I felt like utter garbage left burning on the side of the road in a heat wave. I knew I was going to die, most likely. Infected wounds usually needed to be treated early, and I had no clue how long it looked like this. The condition was just so fucking awful that I’m almost sure they would’ve had to saw my hand off to fix it, if they even could at all. As if I wanted to add that to the list of shit I had to deal with. And, if it wasn’t obvious by now, I couldn’t fucking pay for the surgery. 

I wanted to make a bad joke, I wanted to laugh it off, but if anything, all I wanted was a peaceful, quick death for my past 30 years on this planet. But as my hand wrenched and burned so much that I wanted to take a new knife to it and slice it off, I knew I wouldn’t even get that. Of course I wouldn’t, what did I fucking expect?

It’s not fair. This isn’t fair. Why couldn’t everything be happy for once? This is what I get?

I didn’t know what to feel, what to do, what to think anymore. Everything was already sliding downwards, but I didn’t expect it all to tumble down a massive cliff at the end. I jumped up from the couch, my head feeling heavy on my head and the room in front of me tilting or even going hazy. I stumbled my way out of the apartment to smoke, just one more time. I decided I would try to overdose before I died to make it quicker afterwards, if the infection didn’t get me first. My legs were already getting gradually weaker, becoming more shaky with every step. They would definitely buckle out from under me any moment.

As I stood outside the apartment, trying to stop my teeth from shuddering and from taking a gun to my head at 4 AM in the morning, a new car pulled into the lot. I was about to make my way back inside as soon as possible, so someone didn’t give me a concerned stare, but then they stepped out of the car. I could tell who it was soon enough as they ran to my apartment.

She slowed down a few feet away from me, her dark red hair jerking with her movements. “Vance, Vance.” It was Lux, who I couldn’t imagine why she was here. At first, I was ready to tell her to just fuck off for right now, but then, my next thought was that the same shit went down with her. And my next couple afterward were all of the idea of comfort that someone could be there. Someone who knew. My anger dissipated as she shoved her hands in her pockets with a grave grin. She was still in pajamas, so whatever it was must’ve been so bad that she didn’t care to change. I didn’t even wear pj’s anymore, so props to her for consistently being able to wear them each night, presumably.

“You, uh, you seen a plush bear of sorts? Or lost one, perchance?” She trailed off from her monotone voice, as if she had lost thought, and stared at the ground. Her blue eyes were blank, unexpressive, even when she smiled. “Mine kinda decided to dip a little early. I didn’t know if yours left too. I mean, that’s not just why I came but, yeah…”

“What, I just- Yes, it did.“ My eyes caught notice of what appeared to be a similar wound like mine, just on the other hand. It wasn’t as ugly to look at, but hers was more swollen than mine. “Is that…?”

”What?” She raised her hand to look at it, as if she forgot it was there. “An infection. Yes.” Her words came out a bit choked, not that I could blame her. “I’m probably not going to make it, realistically. I somehow completely lost track of time. Which is a generous way of putting it.” She was out of breath the whole time as she spoke, her sentences breaking into small gaps for air. Her eyes were tinged red and she kept blinking over and over as if trying not to doze off, although that could’ve been from crying or something.

“Oh.” I held up my hand to show her mine, hoping it wasn’t too freaky to look at. Not that it would matter in a couple hours, and that was being optimistic. “I have one, too.” 

She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then raised her good hand to stroke her facial hair. “That’s… crazy. Guess we’re really in a pickle now, huh? Looks like we have soul connected wounds or some shit.” She gave a hoarse laugh and pulled her hair from her face. I could only appreciate the crass attempt at comedy.

“Guess so.” I tossed my cigarette to the ground, clenching the fist that was having a wonderful time in comparison to the other. “You want to come up to my apartment with me? Hang out of death… Or something like that.” I was trying my best to resist showing any distress at the terrible stabbing pain while engaging in this conversation, but my shuddering lips were betraying me. 

“Hell yeah. It’s not like I have much else to do, huh? I mean, I did come here to…” Her words warbled as she tried to catch her breath. “Sorry, I just wanted to say that… Um…” Her legs started to go wobbly, making her begin falling to the side. I ran over to catch her, although it was a bit difficult to hold her weight since she was taller than me.

“You okay?” I asked, attempting to hold her steady. She didn’t entirely topple over, at least.

“Y…yeah. I just think this stupid fever is getting to me…” She tried to laugh again, but it just came out mangled. “Ugh…”

“Alright, alright. Don’t worry, you can just rest in my room. I mean, obviously.” I started to help her get to my apartment room. “My legs aren’t feeling well either, so I should hurry up otherwise we’re both going to die on the grass lawn.” 

“Thanks, man…” She went completely silent as I helped her up and moving. We made our way into my apartment and she laid back on the couch with a groan, trying her best to not put pressure on her wound. 

“Don’t mind the mess, I guess.” I wasn’t really embarrassed about it so much as I knew that if I didn’t mention it, it would look like I thought this was a normal way for people to live.

“Eh, don’t worry about it, my own place isn’t in much better condition, really. You have nothing to be worried about.” She paused for a second in thought, then coughed a couple times. “Did you talk to your friends about all this?” She asked, her voice raspy.

“No. You’re the only person I’ve mentioned all these shenanigans to.” I replied. I sat down next to her after wrapping a random cloth around my hand. “Why? Did you?”

“No. I don’t really know what to say. They probably don’t even want to talk to me anymore, I’ve ignored their texts like 500 fucking times.” She let out another harsh laugh. “I guess I was just hoping that it wouldn’t hurt so much. My hand, I mean.”

“Yeah, I get what you mean.” I laid back and sighed, deciding to make an unnecessary attempt at conversation. “So you had a bear too then, huh? Was it different from mine?” 

“Hm? Yeah, I said that. I don’t know what yours looked like, though. But mine made me feel a lot better for some reason... Like, physically, at least. That’s what yours did too, huh?” 

“Ah. I see. Yeah.” 

“I just don’t understand why she left, and now, I’m going to die.” She shuddered as she pulled my blanket over her. “And the hospital is barely an option. I don’t even think they can do much at this point, I’m too tired to try. I’m fucked.”

“Yeah, it’s hella shitty. I’m in the same position as you. Uh, I’m sorry I can’t say something more… Helpful.”

“It’s fine, I understand. Really not much either of us can say that we wouldn’t know.” She sat up with heavy-lidded eyes, out of breath, and held my hand. “Feels a bit abrupt, doesn’t it? I mean, I didn’t wanna do anything, but I was hoping this wouldn’t happen so fast.”

”…Yeah.” My legs got another jolt of chills, making me twitch. I had only been getting more and more sleepy throughout our conversation, and I was increasingly unsure how long it would be until I just passed out. The pain in my hand only got incrementally worse, which was insane since it was already fucking awful before. “So why’d you come here, then?” I asked.

She flapped her okay hand a couple times. “Uh… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to show myself to my friends, but I didn’t want to like… be by myself. Like this. I’m sorry if it’s a bother, I should’ve asked, I guess I was just desperate.”

“What? No, not at all. It’s alright. I get you.” My body shivered a couple more times as my sight started to wear out. All I wanted now was to make sure I didn’t wipe out before helping her get comfortable. 

“Aye, thanks buddy. Alright…” She said, stretching her legs as she slid back on the pillow behind her. 

“I have a bed you can sleep on.”

“Oh. Wouldn’t you rather be there?”

“Here, I’ll show you. It’s fine.” I guided her to my bedroom that I barely even went into, to show her a small bed. It could fit two people and that was it.

She sat down, brushed off some crumbs and patted next to her. ”You look tired, dude. You can lay down, it doesn’t bother me much. I mean if you want to, I’d understand why you’d…” She took a deep breath. “Want some more space. I mean, I know this is your house, haha.” Her chest started heaving as she tried her best to pull in air once again. Whatever she had was much more frightening than mine considering that pretty much every sentence knocked the wind out of her. I tried not to worry too much about it as I thought about sleeping with her. I didn’t mind the idea of laying next to her, and I’ll admit, it was nice to have someone in the same position as me who wasn’t being so serious about this. I think the only thing that would’ve made this situation worse was someone freaking out over it in my face.

I got into bed without saying a word and she pulled the blanket over me, then turned up to stare at the ceiling. The few seconds of silence were broken with a deep breath and a weak, shaky whisper.

“Want a hug?” She asked.

“Uh…” I turned my head to her and opened my numb mouth, waiting for the words to come out. But it fell back closed and said nothing at all. I hadn’t had anyone touch me in a long, long while, so I guess it was… odd to me. “I guess so.” I said, managing to drag the words out. 

She turned and wrapped her arms around me, patting my back. I wasn’t sure what to think as I squeezed her in return, my numbness starting to fade, along with time. She turned away a few seconds later, leaving me cold, but her body stayed cozy next to me.

We both sat in eerie silence for the longest time. She hadn’t said another word, the only sound left being her hard breathing and wheezing. I didn’t know what time it was, or how long I was laying for. The ceiling only got blurrier over time, and a faint ringing in my ears quivered in and out. My body didn’t feel like it was anywhere, it was weightless and empty, and it only wanted to rest. My heart had been dug out of my chest, and an empty hole was all that was left with nothing beating inside of it to tell me I was present. Lux didn’t make a single noise after my heart was carved out. I wasn’t even sure if she was breathing anymore or if my ears were dead.