Twelve: Keep Reaching 

One and a half years ago 

Finals week was around the corner, and Philo could not be more stressed. Him and Aiden had sealed themselves up in their dorms, barely sleeping and running off energy drinks and desperation. Philo’s grades were nothing to be proud of, and he had the hope that he could bring them up, even if it was becoming more and more impossible as the semester went on.  

The air was chilling now, cold and crisp as Philo tries to get their dorm window open. It was stuck from pure age and lack of use, but he gets it open with brute force. The slide of the rusted, old metal on the glass sends shivers down Philo’s neck.  

“That sound was horrible.” Aiden comments from his desk, twirling the pencil he was writing with in his hand. He rolls his chair back, staring out the window intently. The moon has begun to peak through young, wispy white clouds in the sky. “It’s already so late, man.”  

“Yeah. We spent the whole day studying.” Philo runs a hand through his hair. He needed to wash it, but he was feeling lazy, so he reaches across his bed for a green beanie. He stretches it over his head, not bothering with the fly-aways. They can stay there, for all he cares. 

“Well, at least it was spent well.” Aiden declares, slamming his laptop shut. “I’m done, though. If I stare at that screen for even another second, I will go blind.”  

“Isn’t that why you have the glasses?” Philo retorts, leaning out of the window and letting the cold air battle with the heat on his face.  

“I guess so.” Aiden pretends to really think about it, and then he hops out of the chair. “Come on, let’s take a nature walk. Before we lose our minds.”  

Aiden slings a navy-blue jacket over his shoulders, and Philo grabs his patch-work sweater, full of dull reds, greens, oranges, browns, and blues. Aiden said it reminded him of rainbow that felt a little under the weather. 

“Can humans get Zoochosis?” Philo throws the question in the air as they make their way down to one of the campus’ many nature trails. This one, in particular, lead down to a shallow pond with dirty, murky water. It was a prime spot to smoke or drink at night, and sometimes, if you were unlucky, you’d catch a rogue couple hooking up. They usually scatter once they hear the footsteps of someone approaching, but one time Philo had seen way, way too much.  

“I think it’s just called psychosis for humans. It would only be “zoo” if we were in an actual zoo. But I will say, our dorm feels like an enclosure sometimes.” Aiden pulls out his phone from his pocket and starts texting a big group chat. “I’m seeing if Rocket and them can join us. Hope that’s cool.” 

Philo was staring intently at a blue beetle flying in front of them, but he startles when he hears that certain name. Rocket.  

He hadn’t seen Rocket in a few weeks, as the man was smart and started his studying early. Philo had, over the few months of knowing him, taken a small liking to Rocket. And by that, he meant he liked a lot of things about Rocket. He liked how he looked, how he acted, selfless and sweet, he liked how he dressed, how he spoke, how he smelled, and how he laughed. Man, he loved Rocket’s laugh. Soft and breathy, accompanied with the widest smile and perfectly straight teeth.  

So… Maybe Philo had a crush on Rocket.  

Philo shook his head, glancing back at Aiden, who was still texting away on his phone, fingers stabbing the screen with seemingly murderous intent. He had no idea of the epiphany occurring within Philo’s mind. Even if Philo did like Rocket, Rocket wouldn’t like him back. So, he would have to get rid of that idea entirely before he inevitably embarrassed himself. 

Rocket probably wasn’t even gay, and he would just think Philo was disgusting. He’d laugh at him, bully him for it, and never let it go. 

Letting out a deep sigh, Philo smiled to himself. He knew Rocket would never do any of that.  

They neared the pond now, and it was just as displeasing to look at as Philo remembered it being. The pond was manmade and then promptly abandoned; this meant there were many places built for sitting. The pond was outlined abundantly with smooth, flat stones and a tiny waterfall with a pump that didn’t work anymore. So, it really wasn’t a waterfall at all.  

Philo took a seat on the waterfall, letting his feet hang down dangerously close to the water.  

“Be careful. This water definitely carries diseases.” Aiden observes, which has Philo chuckling.  

“Who’s all coming?” Biting his lip, he looks to Aiden. He tries not to make it seem obvious, but he was hoping that Rocket would say yes to the invitation.  

“So far, only Julian and Alex can. Rocket hasn’t responded, but Alex is bringing weed.”  

“Oh, okay.” Philo mumbles. 

Within the time that Philo had shared a dorm with Aiden, he knew Aiden was observant. And he knew Aiden could tell that Philo was disappointed by the fact that Rocket hadn’t responded yet. So, he lets out a little frustrated sigh, raising his phone again. The harsh light from the screen reactivates his gnawing headache, but he pushes through like a brave soldier on a mission.  

“I’ll ask Rocket again, okay. I’ll tell him you’re here. That will probably work.”  

“What? Why would me being here change anything?” Philo leans back on his palms, and Aiden just shrugs.  

“Don’t ask me questions you should know the answer to.”  

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽ ☆ ☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅ 

To Philo’s delight, Rocket shows up around a half hour later. Philo is already half a joint in, so he’s staring and smiley and silly already. This proves to be good, since Rocket looks like he would rather be anywhere else; or at least, he looks that way until he spots Philo sprawled out on the waterfall, arms reached out towards the stars. 

He jogs over to Philo, craning his head over the man and offering a smile. 

“And what are you doing?” He asks playfully, and Philo gasps.  

“You’re here! I thought you wouldn’t show up.” Philo sputters, and Rocket takes a seat next to him.  

“I wasn’t going to, but I thought I should come see what it’s like when you’re high while I had the chance.” Rocket flicks his forehead with his finger, but Philo must not feel it, because he doesn’t react. All he focuses on is reaching his hands up as high as he can, and like a baby, he opens and closes his fists. Over and over.  

“Yeah, I made the right choice.” Rocket hums, pleased with the outing already. He leans back, observing. 

“Do you think I could touch them?” 

Rocket’s head falls to the side. “Hm? What did you say?”  

“The stars, I mean. Do you think I could touch them? They look so close, so I think that maybe I could feel them.”  

Rocket’s eyes soften, and he lets out a bewildered chuckle. It sends waves of pure warmth and butterflies through Philo’s stomach.  

“Is that what you want, Philo?” Rocket grins with his teeth, dipping his head down to get a better look at Philo’s eyes. They are dilated and red, and he has the dumbest smile on his mouth. He really was perfect, and Rocket wished he was braver, wished he had the guts to just say something. Tell him how you feel, you coward. 

Rocket’s lips part, and he takes the tiniest breath. He was going to do it, even if it wasn’t the best time, because his chest was hurting and he needed to say it or he was going to die. 

But he can’t. Philo sits up suddenly and speaks. And Rocket realizes just how dumb it would be to say it now, of all times. This wasn’t the place. Not now. Not yet. Be patient.  

“Mhmm.” Philo draws it out, loopy and playful. “I want to feel the stars.” 

If only Rocket had known that they had both wanted to feel the stars that night, and all they needed to do was to keep reaching.