BATHUMP BATHUMP

“I know, sometimes, it just does not feel like we are worthy of living. When self-doubt and guilt overtake our minds, I know how it feels. You feel so tired of everything that even breathing feels like a task. Your mind becomes shrouded in bad thoughts. You began imagining what would happen if you were to disappear from everyone’s life. That’s when you end up there. You never decide to do it, but you happen to do it anyway. Like a self-voluntary action.”

She held her chest tight and lowered her gaze.

“I know how it feels. I know. But I also know how it feels afterwards. It feels terrible, like the worst. You feel you have committed the biggest sin in your life. It’s such a sin that you could never make up for it. Not even with your life. You will be hurting yourself and everyone who cares about you. They will never be able to recover from it. You will never be able to recover from it, even in the afterlife. I know,” she was screaming at this point.

“...”

“That’s why, Ahan. Please, don’t do it. Please, don’t even think of it. Please, don’t take your life, Ahan. I might not understand what circumstances you are going through. They might be much worse than I imagine. But no circumstances are worse enough to not have a solution. But what you were trying to do was definitely not it. I am sure there was a better way. Yes, there are better ways to do it. You just need to find them. Finding them is hard, I know that, but it is totally worth it. Because in the end, Ahan, it will be all right, everything will be all right,” she has calmed down now. She came closer to me and tried grabbing my hands, but stopped midway. She paused for a while. Then she began talking to me in a sweet voice I never knew she had.

“If you are angry, vent it out. If you are sad, cry out loud. If you are in a pinch, ask for help. I am sure many people will help you. There was never a shortage of good people. You only need to find them. But right now, I am here. I cannot be of any help, actually, but I could be an ear. So, please tell me everything,” she said, extending her arm to reach me. I saw her smile for the first time, but it was not the moment I desired it to happen in.

“Ahan? What’s on your mind?”

“Shut up, Chhaya.”

“...”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You are talking like you know everything.”

“Yes, I don’t know anything. That’s why I asked you, will you tell me everything?”

“SHUT UP!! Don’t just assume things on your own. WHAT DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT ME?!”

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Yeah, that’s because that’s how much trust I have in you.”

“...”

I hurried and grabbed my setup. I didn’t disassemble it and just threw it in my bag.

“I am grateful for how much you taught me. I am not coming from tomorrow onwards. Don’t even come to find me. I hate you and never want to see you again.”

And just like that, my relationship with Chhaya ended abruptly.

.

.

.

SLAM SHUT

I closed the door to my room and threw my bag around a corner.

THUD

I fell on my bed face down. The lights in my room were still off. The windows closed. Heater off. Every single sound could be clearly heard in that moment. The glass windows of my room rattled as the winter wind blew into them. The sound the clock’s seconds hand made filled the ambience. As I changed my posture, the bed creaked. Every sound I had never noticed was now screaming in my ears.

“Ahan, are you back already? Dinner is ready,” said my other over the door.

“I am not hungry.”

“Don’t eat a lot. Just take a light dinner then.”

“I said I am not hungry. Leave me alone for a moment!”

“What is this behaviour, Ahan? What has suddenly gotten into you?”

I wrapped the pillow around my head and sank deeper into the bed.

What the hell is with her?! She had always been strict with me. Never going beyond the point. She would not even reply more than what’s necessary. Her eyes never showed any glint of emotion. Her body would always be stiff. She showed no reaction to my comments. I always thought that was just how she is. But, I kinda admired that. She would not bother me. She would not lecture me. She would not tease me. I liked that she was different.

I turned around, facing the roof and placed the pillow below my head.

Why would she do that to me? Why would she suddenly start lecturing me? Why would she try to reach closer to me? Why would she smile at me? Why would she talk to me? WHY?! Why would she pretend to care about me?!

ARGH, this is the worst. The worst, the worst, the worst, THE WORST!

SNIFF SNIFF

“I know how it feels. I know.  It feels terrible, like the worst.”

My ears were ringing with her voice.

“I might not understand what circumstances you are going through.”

Yeah, you knew nothing to begin with.

“They might be much worse than I imagine.”

Much worse than you could ever imagine. SNIFF.

“Yes, I don’t know anything.”

Yes, you know NOTHING ABOUT IT!! NOT A THING!!

“That’s why I asked you, will you tell me everything?”

Just shut up already. ARGH! I don’t need to hear from you. You cannot help me. Go out of my head.

“I cannot be of any help.”

Yeah, you too are no good! SNIFF.

“But I could be an ear.”

SOB SOB

“If you are sad, cry out loud.”

SNIFF WEEP WEEP

“If you are angry, vent it out.”

AARGH!! AHA-ARHA! WAIL

“Because in the end, Ahan, it will be all right, everything will be all right.”

No one had ever told me that it would be all right. My parents say I won’t make it in the future. My teachers say I will soon begin failing grades. My classmates never saw me in high hopes either. Everyone. Everyone just sees me in disbelief. But she is different. She saw me in belief. She believed I could make it. She believed I could succeed. She held high hopes for me.

AARGH!! AWA-WAA-WUAA!

What have I done? I have committed a crime.

SNIFF SNIFF

I need to fix everything before it gets too late. I need to apologise to her.

SLAM

I locked my room and went straight to the porch downstairs. 

“Ahan? Where are you going this late at night?”

“I have to apologise to her.”

“Whom? Ahan?! Listen?”

SLAM SHUT

I unlocked my bicycle and rushed towards our meeting spot. It was already night. Buses have already closed for the day.

WHOOSH

I didn’t care about the wind. It was cold, but not so much to bury my will.

CLICK-CLACK-CLICK-CLACK

I began pedalling faster now. Traffic was worse in the market area at night. Everyone seemed to be on a shopping spree today. But I could not hear it. I could not hear the honks coming from the vehicles. I could not hear their engines growl. I could not hear the people who passed by me. I could not hear the world today. All I could hear was the sweetest voice I've ever heard in my life. It was hers. The voice that I am chasing right now. The voice for whom I am riding my bike tonight. The voice that rang like a chime in my ears right now. The voice, so sweet that even rosogulla tastes bland.

SCREECH

I didn’t lock my bike and rushed upstairs. I opened the door to the roof and opened my eyes wide. But it was an unfortunate sight.

HUFF HUFF

I held my knees, supporting my whole body on them.

“CHHAYA!”

I never imagined I would scream her name out loud.

“If you are here, Chhaya. Then, I am sorry. I am sorry I acted like that with you.”

I turned around, hoping our eyes met each other.

“You were right. I did try to end it there. But you know what? I could not. I was so scared.”

SNIFF

“I didn’t had the courage to do it. I never had the courage to do it.”

SOB SOB

“Chhaya, please. Please, if you are listening. Please forgive me. I know you must think of me as a jerk now. I am a jerk. I have always been one. But I wish to change. I don’t want to be a jerk forever. I-I just don’t know how to say this. But-”

SNIFF

I rubbed my arm on my eyes and held my chest tightly.

“You were correct. I do feel like I am not worthy of living. Bad thoughts are all I think about the entire day. I feel like if I just disappeared somewhere, everyone’s life would become so much easier.”

SOB SOB

“But I also want to live. Just like everyone else, I want to live. I want to become a part of their lives, they are not ashamed to talk about. But I don’t want to just live. I want to live with a reason. Something I could wake up to every morning. Something I could do all day and night. Something I could be proud of. Something that does not allow me to do otherwise.”

AHA-HAA-ARHA

.

.

.

I had no control over my emotions. Everything I ever wanted to say, everything I never wanted to say. I said out loud. But in the end,

“It was of no use.”

She had left already.

I lowered my gaze and turned towards the door. I held the cold metal handle and turned it, opening the door. A cold gust blew past me.

“Thanks for sharing it with me, Ahan.”

My ears were not ringing this time. I turned around quickly. My mind could not believe what my eyes saw.

“C-Chhaya. I-I am sorry. I am really very sorry.” I said, bowing down on my knees.

“Why are you apologising? Friends don’t do that.”

Friends?

“...”

“Yes. Your challenges won’t go away for now. Your struggles are still there. But you don’t have to face them alone anymore, Ahan. The past might haunt you, but you cannot erase it, you cannot alter it, you cannot forget it. It has become a part of you. You have to acknowledge it. But you have to move forward. ”

“What should I do then?”

“You cannot change the past, but you can change the future. The future is still in your hands. Sometimes, you just make a mistake and take the wrong picture. What do you do then, Ahan?”

“Take another one,” I guessed.

“Exactly, there is no way you can fix the photograph once it is already taken. So, you re-adjust your parameters. Re-adjust the scene. Re-adjust the camera. You learn from your mistakes and then, you, Retake!”

“...”

“It’s the same with our lives. Mistakes cannot be undone. But you can learn from them. Become a better version of yourself and lead a new life. So, Ahan. Are you ready now? Are you willing to, Retake? Could we now become friends?” She asked, smiling at me.

That was the same smile from before, but this time, the situation was far better. It was the most innocent smile I have seen. As she smiled, small dimples could be seen on her cheeks. Her eyes were relaxed and focused on me. Her subtle eyelashes decorated her eyes. Tears formed tiny droplets over them, adorning them like shining diamonds. Her face was smooth and flawless, yet so frail and pale-looking. It shone like glass under the moonlight. I could take all the time I needed to memorise this view and cherish it forever. It was so beautiful that even the moon would blush looking at it. Only someone not in their sound mind would not notice her. How could someone say no to this magnificence?

“Yes, of course, Ch-Chhaya.”

She smiled, hearing that and turned around.

“Look, the marigolds have begun to bloom.”

There was a plant stand on the rooftop. Several pots were placed on it across the three shelves. Medium-sized plants grew in each of them. They were already budding. A few of the marigold buds had already bloomed. The scent of marigolds covered the rooftop. It was strong and poignant, but at the same time, it reflected a change. A turn in nature’s cycle. She crouched near one of the pots and adorned the flower.

“Marigolds typically bloom around late winter here. It is said that its bloom symbolises beauty, warmth, creativity and a drive to succeed. It is often used in decorating houses and temples during the New Year. Additionally, in Mexico, they are regarded as an important symbol used during Day of the Dead festivities. It represents life but also acknowledges the dead.”

And just like that, my friendship with Chhaya bloomed like the winter marigolds.