☾ Monachopsis A subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place

Ethyn and I gathered in the main cavern with all other present members of the Rebellion when Stefan called us. We sat separate from the others, one of my wings curled around him protectively, and my scaly black and purple tail curled around my legs. Little Gina was sitting with Diego, still looking shaken from having witnessed an escaped slave tumble into her home. A number of others who had seen the man fall also looked shaken, but more confused than anything.

“As many of you know by now,” Stefan said, voice carrying easily, “we’ve had a… visitor. An escaped slave of Emperor Bianor Sidra himself.” A ripple of shocked, frightened gasps echoed through the cavern. I was more surprised at the reveal of the emperor’s name. To most people, even in the inner cities, he was just ‘the emperor’ or some other fancy royal title, or just his surname.

Stefan continued once the gasps and whispers died down, “This individual will be isolated for the foreseeable future, and the only ones able to speak freely to him will be myself and Cornelius. If you see him, please, avoid him. We don’t know the extent of his injuries, physical and mental, and it’s important that we give him time and space. That is all. Ethyn and Elkan, stay for a moment, if you would,” his blue eyes found us, and we nodded.

The crowd slowly dispersed. I could feel their suspicious and hateful gazes. I had grown used to them, especially from Serenity and Belle, but they still hurt. And at least there were no words this time. Ethyn and I got to our feet and approached Stefan, who was standing with Cornelius.

“Well, I guess we know who was in the royal carriage that left the capital city three days ago now,” I sighed as we approached. “The fucking emperor.”

“But now there’s the question of why the emperor would bring his slave all the way out here,” Ethyn said. He sighed, “I’ll send messages to our spies in the capital.”

“I was going to request you do that, thank you,” Stefan nodded.

I hummed, thinking, “Doesn’t the emperor have a bastard child?”

“Yes, his step-son, the oldest,” Ethyn nodded. “What of it?”

“I’m just thinking…. Doesn’t the kid spend a lot of time outside the palace walls? If we want information on the emperor….”

“That is a dangerous thought, Elkan,” Stefan said in a warning tone. “Kidnapping the prince of the Ussuni Empire? Bastard child or not, he’s still a prince.”

“But he does spend an awful lot of time out in the woods near the mountains, with hunting parties,” Ethyn said. “What sort of prince who likes being a prince spends all that time out in the forest hunting with the ‘lesser folk’?”

Stefan let out a tense breath. “Gather information first, as much as you can. We’ll spend time with Augustus, try to get something out of him. The emperor is probably on his way back to the palace at this point. Ethyn, we can talk tomorrow about sending messages to our informants in the city. It’s late, go get some rest.”

I took Ethyn’s hand as we walked away from the main cavern.

Once we were away from the general hustle and bustle of our mineshaft base, I softly asked, “Do you really think we can pull that off? Kidnapping the emperor’s step-son? How much do we know about him?”

“I think we should try,” Ethyn nodded. “As far as we know, he’s the son of the empress with his father unknown. He’s not close with the rest of his family, and spends a lot of time with hunting parties. He might even be willing to give us information.”

I hummed in some form of thought. I had only heard whispered rumors of the royal family, and whispered insults about the bastard child of the emperor.

In our room, Ethyn quickly took up residence at his desk, beginning to draw out a message. I sighed, easily picking him up from the chair, much to his dismay and surprise.

“P-put me down!”

“No. It’s late, we’re tired, and we’re going to bed.” I walked over to the bed, gently tossing him onto the mattress. “Come on. Bed.”

Ethyn let out an aggravated sigh, but let me help him remove his sling, then his shirt. His skin was as pale as the moon, almost silvery, a stark contrast beside his long hair which made the blackest of inks jealous. My skin was a touch more brown, but I had the same black hair. His was usually decorated with braids and silver bands, and mine held curls and waves.

I deeply sighed, sitting by him. “Ethyn…. Do you ever feel as if… as if you belong somewhere else? Like your true home is just… waiting for you?”

“Hm, sometimes,” he knew what was coming; I could see it in his eyes. “It’s more difficult for you, of course; being the last dragon can’t be easy. Especially since you shift when you get angry, and don’t have much control when like that.”

I solemnly looked down at his broken arm.

He leaned forward and gently kissed my cheek, “You’ll find your place. I know you will. We are all here for a reason, Elkan. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“We’re gonna figure this out. All of it. You. The redhead runaway. The emperor’s step-son. All of it.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I am right.”

I breathlessly chuckled. “I just wish….” I sighed, leaning my forehead against his and holding his hands. “I just wish it was a bit easier, you know? To just… exist. I shudder at the thought of what might’ve happened if I had hatched in the Empire, but being here…. It hurts. The stares, the whispers, the notes slipped under the door…. I know why it’s difficult for us to deal with these people; we can’t just kick them out, in case they go to the Empire, but it’s wrong to kill them. But they don’t stop. Even with the lectures, even with me trying to reconcile with them, I just….” I heavily sighed.

Ethyn gently kissed my cheek. “Let’s go to bed.”

I tried to sleep that night. Ethyn’s warmth and weight against me had always been comforting; the scent of him, the sound of his quiet breaths, his stillness. Maybe dragons slept in groups. I wouldn’t know. I knew that, 19 years, there were at least two dragons, but there was no telling if they were still around.

I looked at Ethyn, sleeping soundly beside me. Most night children were nocturnal, rising with the moons. But Ethyn wasn’t “most night children.” He had a voice. He had the intelligence of an Empire scholar. He wasn’t as shy as other night children, although he did tend to teleport away when he got spooked, and he found it difficult to look at people. But he was very clearly a night child.

And I was no one.

How had I even gotten someone like him?

I sighed, admiring his features for a moment longer before carefully slipping out from under him. Night children were typically light sleepers, unless they were in complete darkness and felt completely safe. Ethyn didn’t react at all.

Shielding him with my large leathery wings, I picked up a candle and lit it with a bit of my fire. I still remembered the first few times I had breathed fire; like smoldering embers coming up my throat, forcing their way past my lips. It took me a long time to get used to the feeling, and even more time learning to control it.

And I still couldn’t fully control my other form.

I sighed, “Good things come to those who wait.” Something I had been told throughout my life. My 19 ‒ almost 20 ‒ years of waiting. Very few good things had come to me in that time. At least Ethyn was one of them.

I wandered the cool stone halls for a bit, listening to the faint snoring drifting through the stale air. Some of the newer night children were still awake; it was hard for them to settle in a place like this. They had been built for the wilds; the snow-capped mountains and starry nights, carving their star runes on trees and rocks, living quietly and carefully in small groups, worshipping in their moon mothers…. But the Ussuni Empire valued them for their shyness, their obedience. At least the magma children were tolerated.

I paused when I rounded the corner, finding Cornelius and Stefan leaving Stefan’s room, which he shared with Marek. In Cornelius’s arms, there was the strange redhead runaway that had fallen into our home. He was wrapped in a blanket, and a hood was carefully pulled over his head, but red curls escaped anyway. His bare feet were wrapped in bandages, so bruised they were nearly entirely blue. I could smell blood.

“O-oh, Elkan,” Cornelius said with surprise.

I wearily smiled, whispering, “I couldn’t sleep.”

Stefan just smiled. He said to Cornelius, “Take him to the infirmary, have Waylon check his wounds ‒ but make sure they don’t see his face. Be sure the curtain is closed and stay with him.

“Of course,” Cornelius nodded, adjusting the slave in his arms.

“Walk with me, Elkan,” Stefan offered as Cornelius disappeared towards the infirmary. I followed him. “How are you feeling?”

“...Fine,” I said. “Just…. A bit lonely, maybe. I caught some bad glares today after the meeting, when you asked me and Ethyn to stay behind.”

“You and him are my informants. You’re important.”

I shook my head and corrected him, “He’s the important one. He’s the one that does all the message-sending, and coding and decoding, and translating, and he’s the one that talks to the night children we bring in; he’s the one they trust, the reason they have that little village over by Dragon’s Breath Lake…. I….” My voice softened, “I don’t do anything.”

“You make sure he gets his rest,” Stefan said. “You and I both know that Ethyn sometimes gets a bit too invested in his work. We need our translator in good health. You make sure that happens.”

I was silent. I felt hateful words brewing.

But Stefan beat me to talking. “I remember when you two were young. Ethyn was a shy little thing, and you were afraid to be around people because of all the bullying. I remember you two met in the rafters one day and just started tapping each other, like some sort of sign language.” He chuckled. “And then Wren found you two curled up next to each other, fast asleep.” He stopped in the hall, turning to face me. “You’re the reason he talks, Elkan. You gave him his voice. And he gave you yours. You are the voices of each other, and of the night children.” He chuckled, tucking my wavy black hair behind my ear. “The kings of the night.”

“...I really wish I could believe you.”

He sighed, gently taking my shoulders and getting me to face him. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Elkan?”

I let out a shaky breath. “A lot. Just… so much. All the time.”

“What’s the biggest thing right now?”

I took a shaky breath, “Th-the emperor, I guess. The runaway.”

Stefan nodded understandingly. “There’s something else, isn’t there? Something deeper than just the confusion and concern over what’s happened recently?”

I bit my lip, candle trembling with how I was gripping it. Stefan gently wrapped a hand around mine, steadying me.

“I…. I don’t know who I am,” I whispered. “I-I mean…. I’m the last dragon, yeah, that much is obvious but…. I had to come from somewhere. I’m someone’s son.” I scoffed, “N-night children come from the moonlight, magma children come from lava flows…. Where did I come from? I-I have no idea who I am. Is my name even really Elkan? It’s the name you and Wren gave me, but….” Tears brewed in my purple eyes. “Did my mother give me a name? Are she and my father still around? W-we would’ve heard about dragon sightings, even in a rural area like the Flaming Delta. A-and I know what you’re gonna say, you’re gonna say that we’ll figure it out and that everyone has a purpose and that sometimes it’s a bit difficult to find that purpose.” My voice was breaking like thin ice under a thrown rock. “I-I’ve been trying to find that purpose for almost 20 years. I-I…. I’m no one.”

“You’re‒”

“Please don’t,” I whispered. “I know what you’re gonna say. Y-you have this image of who I am, but…. I don’t…. I don’t feel like I have an identity. I’m just… here. And, I can’t leave, or else the Empire might find me. I just…. I don’t feel like anything. Like anyone. I can’t even go play or work like the others; all I get from them is weird stares at best and bruises at worst.”

Stefan gently took the candle from me, holding it away and pulling me into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and nuzzled his shoulder, shutting my eyes tight and thus helping the tears fall.

“You’re good with maps,” he finally whispered. “Maybe that’s your purpose; to be our navigator and cartographer. You do have an excellent sense of direction.”

I scoffed, “I can barely leave the caves.”

“Let me ask you something,” Stefan pushed me away, one hand still firmly on my shoulder. “What do you like to do?”

I thought for a moment, “Draw, I suppose. Fly.” I let out a breath, “Fly high above the land and look at the curves of the landscape. And then draw it.”

Stefan smiled, and said in an almost-teasing voice, “Cartographer.”

I scoffed, rolling my eyes, “People have already mapped all of Esan. The only place that hasn’t been explored is the Infinite Storm. And no one comes back from there.”

“Yes, but we don’t have those kinds of maps,” Stefan said. “And there’s still plenty of caves to figure out, and the rest of the Wild Lands haven’t been fully explored.” He patted my shoulder, “Just give it some thought, okay? I hate to see my friends so sad all the time.”

“...We’re friends?”

He looked at me oddly, “Well, what did you think we were?”

I looked down, embarrassed, and muttered, “...I thought it was kind of like a master-servant deal.”

He breathlessly laughed, “Elkan! Where’d you get that idea?”

“I-I don’t know!” I blushed, avoiding his gaze. “It’s just….” I sighed, “I don’t feel like your equal. I don’t feel like anyone’s equal.”

His light laughter died down. His hand slipped down to mine. “You are my equal, Elkan. I’m sorry you don’t feel that way. Is there anything I can do to help?”

I sighed, exhausted, “You already do all you can, and I’m beyond grateful. Besides, you have other things to worry about right now.” I thought back to the redhead runaway and the fact that he belonged to the emperor.

Stefan sighed, “Augustus will need time to adjust. It may be a while before we can talk to him about Emperor Bianor, and all we can do is wait and keep him comfortable and make sure he’s fed and healed. But you are what’s in front of me right now. Is there anything more I can do for you?”

“I…. I don’t know. I don’t think so? Not right now, at least.”

He nodded, “Okay. Let’s get you back to bed. And, if there is anything, promise me you’ll talk to me.”

“I-I…. I’ll try.”

“Promise?”

The cave fell silent.