Days after that went by like the usual, turning into weeks to months without seeing him and eventually missing his dumb face. Then more than once my coworkers would tell me I looked lonely, and honestly I was. But he had his reasons to go, he needed to go home for the holidays of course he had to go home. Leaving me to think about him since he was smart…cute…handsome….argh! I miss him!!!

Standing out the sales floor while watching customers come and go, greeting and smiling until my face was breaking from unbearable thoughts. Worried thoughts….but I shouldn’t be thinking of anything since we’re….nothing but coworkers….

I was just so disappointed in myself, I don’t have his social media, not even his number, honestly I should’ve asked but…what if he didn’t see me like that or if I made a fool of myself more than I usually do.

I was scared that I would scare him, everything I was feeling was just so new to me.

As I thought about it, more and more ideas popped in my head. What if he got back with his ex from his hometown... or they just had a break and I was his rebound that he used me for his feelings so he could talk things out or my major flaws were too much for him to handle! Was I the one who didn’t pursue and ask him or did I draw the line, maybe… I mean I can’t drive nor be smart like the others. I’m pretty dumb actually and slow. I told him money and anime are my main focus right now… being in a relationship would mentally drain me, so yeah I guess I am the problem…

By the end of the beginning of a new year, and a month later, nothing. No news of him returning or signs of him just coming in…until Valentine's Day. 

That familiar reddish brown short hair in a good suit walking closer and closer, my stomach swells in joy of his familiar look. Like this was a surprise he was coming back or he needed to talk to HR whatever it could be! But my face faltered and my happiness was brought with shame as two beautiful young women walked beside him. I calmed myself by counting to 100 trying to keep a poker face upon him closing in on me. They could be friends or siblings or just friends! 

I was just disgusted with myself, all my high hopes crushed and destroyed just by the sight. In the candy section for Valentine's Day, I tried not to watch them look for candy, bears, and couple cups but from where I was stationed in this big ass store, I just had to be placed at the self checkout in front of all the Valentine’s Day sections… I turned my back against them not wanting to see any further… whatever it was and watched the customers scan and pay for their items. Until I heard his charming voice and nearly broke, I couldn’t believe I was this weak and smiled like an idiot as I saw his face. We talked, all four of us talked, learned he’s living with one of them, my hands were touchy and by that I meant holding his hands, and learned he had a better job from one of the girls, she was breathtaking…

After leaving, there was a moment of silence. Feeling scrambled in my tummy and eyes blurring realizing I was; in love, worried, lonely, sad, depressed, anxious, denial, jealous, and crushed. It felt like he was taunting me, he came all this way from the other side of the door just to check out at my side. Well, it was easy easier to get it over and done with...

I went home… and filled my lonely heart with food, my first love gone.