II. I Left My Heart in Saint Khan's Part I

Once the Festering Wound had docked, the Rogers stepped off the gangplank (which happened to be a scrap of hull from the Colossus) and made their way towards the city.

Saint Khan’s Port was the largest pirate haven in the Soval Sea. The sky was a crimson shade of red, and what appeared to be clouds were actually billows of smoke. The buildings resembled those at Port Bashir but aged fifty years. The ratio of taverns to actual businesses must have been two-to-one. And it seemed that, no matter where the crew stood, something around them was on fire.

An almost naked man was sleeping on the road, cuddling against a lit barrel labeled “TNT." A man leaned out of his second-story window for the sole purpose of vomiting. A stray dog was eating the corpse of some... thing... lying in an alleyway. Two pirates were sword fighting over a woman, but a third, with a gun in each hand, was taking aim at them. 

“Where are we going?” D’anna asked as they walked down those grimy streets, occasionally ducking to avoid the stray gunshot or throwing dagger. 

“To that tavern I took ya to when ye first became a pirate,” Cain answered. He gestured towards Majel, “The one that the grimalkin and I used ta regular back in the day.”

“Before you died…” D’anna added.  

Cain would’ve rolled his eyes had he had any. “Yes, before I died. Thank you fer that, D’anna…”

Majel’s pace faltered. “I’m not going to The Beheaded Navyman, Sawyer.”

“Not this again…” Cain sighed. “So what, ye couldn’t make it as a pirate out on yer own! That tavern’s got nothin’ to do with yer lack of plunderin’ abilities!”

Majel snapped, grabbing his shirt and pulling him close. “If you undermine me again, I swear to gods…” she spat through gritted teeth. “Those fifteen years you were dead meant nothing to you, but they did to me!”

A few strands of her hair became loose as she shook the skeleton with each emphasized word. “You were only there for the good ol’ days… You weren’t there to see me lose the crew and become that miserable bar wrench you and D’anna found…”

She pressed her forehead so close to Cain's that he could see her good eye twitching. “The tortrus cycle became so much that I often considered hurling myself into the ocean just to end it all. But that would’ve meant that I was no better than you, Sawyer Cain…”

Now finished, Majel let her grip go. The skeleton didn’t retaliate like she thought he would. Instead, he just scowled, glaring at her as he silently walked into the tavern.

D’anna nervously watched from the side like a child witnessing a divorce. She looked to the door and then to Majel and back to the door and back to Majel again, confused on what to do.

“Don’t get yourself caught up between this, D’anna. Just go in and we can say you were ‘following the captain’s orders,’” Majel sighed.

“Thank you, Majel…” D’anna whimpered as she ducked into the tavern with the energy of a guilty dog that just got yelled at.

The cat looked upward to the tavern’s sign. It read The Beheaded Navyman, with a tasteful logo of a decapitated head, bloodied and screaming with wide-open eyes. As much as she hated the Navy, it didn’t do much to help raise her spirit as she walked in.

A smoky haze permeated the entire bar, complemented by the murmur of a hundred hushed conversations. Some of its patrons were in the middle of a poker game, others looked over maps, and a few of them didn't even look conscious.

A strung-up cage hung from the ceiling, the titular beheaded navyman trapped inside. Although it was decapitated over twenty-five years ago, the head was still alive. Or “alive” as a twenty-five year old decapitated head could be. The only thing it could really do anymore was to gnaw at the air and stare people down. Cain noticed that it looked a little more decomposed than when he last saw it.

Eager to start his shore leave for real, Cain made a beeline towards the bar and sat down. Majel, still pissed off at him, chose a table facing the opposite way. D’anna started to hesitate again, but a sudden foul odor literally clouded her mind. The tavern’s musty mix of cigars, beer, and wood shavings was suddenly poisoned by the burning intrusion of sulfur and fermented eggs. It was almost acidic, making D’anna’s eyes start to sting and mist up. She fled to Majel as the smell seemed to be wafting towards Cain.

Having no nose anymore, the skeleton was completely oblivious to Winn’s presence until a large, fluffy tail curled around his torso.

“Captain ‘Sawbones’ Sawyer Cain, in zé flesh,” the sultry skunk cooed. She started to gently trace her thumb along his skeletal chin. “Hmm... pairhaps in zé lack of flesh, maire like. All zat time marinating in zé sea’s left you looking a little… thin, non?”

“Ye get used ta it quicker than ye would assume,” the skeleton said as he signaled two fingers to the barkeep. “Speakin’ of flesh, yer lookin’ quite healthy since we last met…”

Winn giggled. “Where do you think most of my fortune’s been going?” she smiled as she shifted herself. She leaned towards Cain and whispered, “Zé stern's been refitted, as well…”

The skeleton melted so hard it looked as if he was about to fall apart.

“God, Winn, like, leave some rigor mortis for the rest of us, huh?” Tawny cackled, pointing to the two of them with her thumb. “I just can’t believe how totally Bones is falling for that siren song of hers! Did all that saltwater shrink his brain or something? Geez!”

D’anna and Majel looked at the random woman who helped herself to a spot at their table.

“…do you know this person…?” D’anna asked Majel under her breath.

“not in the slightest,” said Majel. “Who the hell are you?” She blurted out.

“Tawny DeLancie, Captain of The Laughing Matter!” The woman smiled, holding out a hand to either one of them. 

D’anna took it and smiled in return. “Hello! I’m D’anna and that’s Majel.”

The cat flopped her hand up in a halfhearted wave.

“What brings you two to Saint Khan’s?” Tawny asked before taking a sip out of her mug.

“We’re on shore leave right now. Our captain’s at the bar,” D’anna said as she pointed to Cain, “he’s the skeleton whose pockets that skunk lady is searching through right now.” 

“That’s Winn, captain of the Belle of the Ball,” Tawny explained. “To my knowledge, it’s the fastest ship in the Soval Sea. Although, I bet it’s because they always have a breeze handy, amirite?”

The cat squinted at Tawny and broke her silence. “The Laughing Matter wouldn’t happen to look like the jacket you’re wearing now, would it?” she asked, pointing to Tawny’s jester-like, red-and-black coat.

“It does!” Tawny said, striking a pose so they could see it better. D’anna gave an approving “Ooh!”

“And is your crew composed of clowns dressed in a similar color scheme?” Majel continued.

“They are! Have we… met before?” The jester asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“Not to my knowledge, no. I just thought you should know that I saw them all bound and gagged on a pier. At least, I think that was them. Truth be told, I was more focused on that burning red-and-black ship that was in the middle of being robbed.”

“What?!” Tawny screamed as she bolted out of the bar. Majel watched her, waiting until she was out the door before she took the left-behind mug for herself. 

“Majel, we can’t just sit here while she’s getting robbed,” cried D’anna, “we gotta go help her!”

“I was lying, D’anna, I just wanted her to leave us alone."

D’anna paused. “Oh.” 

“I just happened to get lucky with my questions…” Majel said as she leaned back in her chair, taking a sip from the stolen mug. “That jester shtick tipped me off. If you and your crew have a ‘theme,’ you’re a jackass.”

She sighed. “And, gods, we’re pirates, D’anna. If her shit was getting stolen, that’s none of our concern. Don’t be so damn trusting of everyone! She could’ve just been putting on a nice face, like that skunk who just stole Cain’s wallet.”