"Cate's sorry, you know that, right?" Jenna's voice is gentle and supportive, as it always was. The clacking of Julia's ice cubes against her cold glass of orange juice sounds, "I doubt that." Silence overtakes the room, "My mom doesn't hate you, Y'know." The perplexion is written upon my face, my eyebrows scrunch, how does Julia know? "How'd you know?" The telling steps of my brother emerge from our room," It was me I told her," there he is, Nathan, standing in front of our room. "What the fuck Nate?" Julia offered me her glass of juice, and the cold orange juice splashed against the walls of my mouth.
I can't take it anymore; awakening into drama isn't my thing after all. A walk in the park should work. "I'm going for a walk, nobody follow me-please." The couch alleviates once I get up. The jacket molds itself into my embrace as I open the door. a few steps, and the outside world would calm me down, There's something about the park. an atmosphere so calming, peacefulness feeding nature. The opposite of the turmoil I am.
Listening to music always helps; reality seems so far away by then. Once I arrive, my favorite bench awaits my arrival. drops of water have accumulated over the hours, it must have rained. Through the gallery, I scroll, finding old memories of happier times. Was that me? Mom and Dad, there they are sitting on a bench, on my 10th birthday. I'm fond of these memories, yet again, remembering what it's like to be happy is a luxury I can't afford. "Leave me alone!" as I put my phone away, I turn my head. Two guys stand there, Lizzy sitting right across them. Her face scrunched up from the annoyance on her face.
My body tenses as my voice seems to gain strength. Liz's legs are held up to her chest, hands resting on her knees. "HEY TWICE NOW? LEAVE HER ALONE!"
"Again?" she asks, "Thanks, by the way." The same two guys, of course, were drunk again. stumbling over their feet as they retreat. "Cate's sorry, y'know that right?" As if the world forgot her wrongdoings, well, if it did, I didn't. My diary, full of broken memories. It must be somewhere. I scoff, waving my hand, "I found her." Not wanting to dig up memories. Her voice sounds gentle, "She wasn't-" my dry lips moisten once I take a swift sip of water. "You know how she gets once the drinks set in." She pauses, her bottle of juice drunk up to the halfway point. "I promise you, if Cate wasn't drunk, she wouldn't have." Coldness surrounds us, Elizabeth's voice quivering as she rubs her palms against each other.
"People can change. I know she wasn't always the best at communication." Cate was the worst at that. Days in the past now make me question why we even fought over the simplest things. Whether it was what movie to watch or where we should eat. toxic, not healthy, like everyone's perception of us. "Cate's lost, like we all are. She's trying to make amends, for redemption."
Cate's journey for redemption, ridiculous. "Lost? You believe that?" The silence overtakes us, "I know it. What do you think she's been doing these last few days?" I try to sound nice, but my voice seems colder than usual. "Wasting her time." Liz takes a swift sip of her juice." Can you do me a favor?" Our gaze meets as the breeze moves hair strands in front of her face. "Can you just hear her out, when you're ready?" A long exhale exits my body, rolling my eyes whilst I turn my head downwards. "Fine, only when I'm ready." I take a sip of water once the lid's back on the bottle. "Bye, Ethan, I'll see ya around." And with that, she disappears in the distance, after minutes of scrolling through my gallery, cherishing fond memories, I decide to leave.
Aunt Jenna may know where this diary of mine might be. Is it filled by sadness and sorrow, with temporary phases of happiness? No matter the distance I covered, I still find myself lost amid the ocean. Whilst everyone's at shore, I remain at sea, drifting, watching everyone living their happy lives. It's Thursday, and by Monday, Julia will be back at home. Friday night will be the last shift of this week's program. I will find this diary of mine, for I have reasons to read through it once more. I walk through the streets of loving people, past the cozy cove, towards my home. I open the door, my feet passing the threshold. Tommy sits in the kitchen scrolling on his phone. "Oh hey Ethan, you're b-," past him I walk straight to my room, "not now Tommy." I sit on the bed, staring at the white walls of my room. Subtle knocks sound from the door, Tommy walks in, a plate in his hands, and a salmon sandwich rests on the plate.
I haven’t eaten today; he handed me the plate. The salmon taste, combined with the leaves of salad, elevates the regular taste of a sandwich. I give him my thanks, hoping I don’t sound like a jerk. The sound of my console sounds as the monitors turn live. I’m playing games, trying to distract myself from everything. The music and gaming always made me feel less lonely. Julia joins me in the room; her presence soothes me. We talk and laugh for those hours. I turned everything off, now I’m only listening to music. I’ve searched through my entire room, but the whereabouts of my diary remains a mystery for now.
I’ll ask Jenna later. The brown cover distinguishes itself from any other book I own. Roses painted blank canvases as the art lesson fueled the inspiration within me. However, drawing lines of dark shade into blank pages was always my preferred choice. Only a few friends remained, and at least most of the money remained untouched. Real friends stay for the journey, even in times when the obsidian skies were my only comfort. Maybe I was always like this, secluded from people. surviving with a few friends and my family. Lost, I wander — once happy, now just a drained pool shaped by liminal spaces, guiding every move.
I didn’t want to bury him six feet under. He was only too happy to stay alive, but like a veil over the truth, he had to vanish. That wasn’t me anymore. I walk through the streets, passing coffee shops and local small convenience stores. Vacations? I don’t take them anymore. The turquoise waters of the Caribbean Sea flow calmly as cruise ships glide through them. Finally back home, I find the door handle already pressed down as I walk up the stairs. The scent of vanilla muffins fills the apartment. “Ethan, here—take a muffin for later."Jenna’s hand slides the tray
of muffins across the counter toward me, then I head toward the kitchen, my feet feeling firm yet stuck, like quicksand.
In only a few hours, Nexus’s building would invite me inside its embrace. “Can I have three?”She pauses, contemplating her choice, a look of confusion written upon her facade. “Three muffins—for you?” My hands reach for the family photo on the counter; there’s me and Nathan, goofing around.“Yeah—one for and me, two for Jules. With a smile, she approves, even handing me a glass of orange juice.“You two are so adorable.”I pause in my tracks, my Redwine face painting my facade.“Jenna! Oh my god.” She laughs, her smile only widening mine.“What? Can’t I admire you too?” I head to my room, setting the plate of muffins and the juice on the table. “For you, flower,” Time flies by, and it’s shift 5—the last shift of this week.
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