“You're drunk,” Bailey slurred as we stumbled back to our apartment.

“No, you are,” I coughed before gagging, “How much did we spend?”

“Too much,” he dropped his keys and I bent down to get them, slamming my forehead into our apartment door, “Idiot.”

“Shut up,” groaning, I rubbed my forehead and managed to get the door open.

We staggered inside and both just collapsed onto the floor, groaning loudly. I hiccuped a few times and tried to sit up before giving up and closing my eyes.

“I need to take my binder off and charge my receivers,” I sighed, kicking Bailey, “Get my stuff.”

“No,” he grumbled before he started to snore, and I finally managed to get up, grabbing a blanket from the couch and throwing it on him, leaving Bailey on the floor as I finally made it into my bathroom.

I threw my chest binder off, not caring where it went in my room. It was rare that I slept in it, not wanting to cause damage to my chest. I had opted against hormones at my current state, and wasn’t quite ready for any of the surgeries, as I wanted to wait until I graduated from university to undergo anything too life-altering. Due to my hesitation, I regularly struggled with body dysmorphia, but I had a wonderful older brother who was skilled at walking me back to myself.

After plugging in my receivers and getting into my favorite oversized shirt and briefs, I flopped into bed and shut the lights off, trying to fall asleep. I lay there for hours before giving up and turning the television on, watching but not focusing on it. Whenever I had alcohol, I found it impossible to sleep. Deciding it was for the best, I just stayed awake. Grabbing my tablet, I started to doodle, realizing I had done an incredibly rough sketch of Felix. Smiling, I started to add true details as this was a skill I had, able to remember minute features after very little time seeing them. Sighing, I chewed my lip before sending the picture to my phone and finally texting it to Felix.

-A: I just realized it’s very early in the morning. I got home from the pub a few hours ago and I can’t sleep when I’ve been drinking. What started as an outline of no one in particular became you. I hope that you enjoy it.

I set my phone down, surprised when it immediately vibrated in my lap.

-F: Is that what I look like to you?

-A: That is what you look like, yes. I have an almost photographic memory for faces.

-F: That’s not what I see when I look in the mirror, so I was surprised. That’s all. Thank you. I love it.

-A: Did I wake you?

-F: No, I was awake. I don’t sleep much. I was painting. I knocked over a bunch of red paint and ruined my dorm floor, but that’s okay.

-A: Are you up for a small adventure before classes?

-F: I’d have to get ready, but yes.

-A: Meet me at the courtyard by the cafe in half an hour. Bring your canvas. I know a place we can paint that, if we ruin it, no one will know.

-F: Really? Okay.

Smiling, I scrambled out of bed and grabbed my favorite tan sweat outfit, throwing that on after my binder and checking the bag that held my paint and smaller canvases to ensure I had everything. I nearly left the apartment without my receivers and ran back to put them on, making sure they connected before I left.

“Oh crap I never told Bailey,” I whispered to myself, texting him as I rushed to the university as I had never lived on campus.

Bailey had already attended the University of Auckland for a few years by the time I followed and kept to a promise he made when I was 13. He rented a two-bedroom apartment so that I could live with him for my safety as well as peace of mind for our parents.

I found the courtyard a bit earlier than I had planned, and Felix was already there, looking around nervously as the sun had yet to come up, and it was pitch black.

“Felix,” I whispered, and he looked over before running to me, “I didn’t consider how dark it would be out here. Were you scared?”

“A little,” he nodded, chewing his lip, “Where are we going?”

“Over here,” nodding, I started toward the campus garden to a shed, “I borrowed this from the horticultural professor during my first year. As long as I lay out a drop cloth, I have full access to it whenever I want.”

“Why?” He smiled as I pulled out my keys, undoing the lock, “Why hide in a shed in the garden? It has to be awful during summer.”

“Oh, it is. It’s a million degrees, so I only come here at night when the temperature drops. I was looking for a haven. Somewhere quiet where people wouldn’t interrupt me when I was painting to come to stare or pester me with stupid questions. I had enough of that during secondary,” I pushed the door open and turned on the lights, smiling when I saw that the spare easel I kept in the corner was still there, “Enough bullying, asking why I wear a binder everywhere, telling me to just be a girl since I had tits. I got tired of it. It kind of followed me here. Not so much the harassment, but just staring and whispering amongst people. I hate having attention on me. I don’t dress the way I do for attention. It’s how I’m comfortable. I knew at 13 that I was trans. I still had to wear a uniform at school that fit my assigned gender for a few years, but when I was home, my parents let me be myself. They would buy me clothes, accessories, and gender-affirming products. Pretty much whatever I wanted or needed to be authentic to who I am. But uh… it got bad my last year of secondary,” Shrugging, I drug the easel out and set it up back to back with the one I always used, “Some asshole from America was a transfer student and he bullied the hell out of me. Called me terrible things, ripped a hole in my pants one day because I changed out of my uniform before going home. The teachers didn’t care; they just couldn’t break policy to let me dress how I wanted, and I respected that for a while. His dad told my principal to go back to his country, not realizing that the principal was one hundred percent Maori. It was a beautiful moment, made my dad and me laugh as we sat in the office. But that feeling, that fear, and harassment followed me. Until I found this place. I leave in two months and I… I want you to take it over, okay? Professor Barbour wouldn’t mind, and it gives you that privacy instead of ruining your dorm.”

“I… Oh, Asher, I am so sorry that happened to you,” Felix sighed, setting the canvas tucked under his arm onto one of the easels, “I can imagine how it feels. Well, I don’t need to imagine it, but still. I’m sorry. I would love to take over the shed. This place is nice. It has good lighting and a place to rest,” He pointed at a couch on one of the walls.

“I used to sleep in here sometimes,” I laughed softly, getting my own things set up, “I would be super deep into work and decide to not go back to the apartment when I got tired. The professor set it up for me, and she uses it between classes. But now you'll get to. I’ll give you the key when I graduate.”

“Thank you,” he giggled, pulling his hair into a ponytail, the bubblegum waves a mess on his forehead, “I have to get this done by next week, and I… I just hate it.”

“What are you painting?”

“It’s a free paint, but when I… when I get to do what I want, it circles back to… to my Pa.”

“Ah. But why does that have to be negative? I know you lost him, I am truly sorry that happened, but you talk fondly about him. What would he want to see you create?”

“Pa… his name was Awena. He loved to draw when we were done fishing for the day. I would sit in his lap and watch, mesmerized. It was always sketches of the ocean, the birds around us, the setting or rising sun, and me. He drew me a lot. Sitting in front of our home in… Um… just in front of our house with the rocks and water since the back of the property sits on the beach. It was easier to dock that way, we had a private one,” he smiled, looking at the canvas before tossing it onto the floor and putting a blank one up, “Thank you. For talking me through that. It gave me an idea.”

“Alright. I uh… It’s clear you’re hiding something from me, but we are new friends, so I can’t judge you, and I will never push you to share. But I am here and I’ll be happy to listen.”

“I can tell,” he nodded, “but not right now.”

“Alright.”

We settled in to paint together, my phone working as an alarm so that we wouldn’t miss our classes. The first alarm went off three hours later, and I started to pack up, surprised that Felix hadn’t copied me.

“Felix? Classes start in an hour.”

“I can miss the first one. It’s fine. Go ahead,” he muttered, and I came behind him, dropping my bag on the floor in surprise.

“This is amazing,” I whispered, my eyes wide.

“It’s not done,” he shrugged, wiping his face on his sleeve, “It’s really not that bad though.”

“I like this,” I pointed to the two silhouettes sitting on the beach, waves lapping at their feet as the sun dipped below the horizon, cliffs breaking up the fire of the sky, “Is this what it looks like behind your father's house?”

“Well, it’s my house, but yes. This is exactly what it looks like. I saw this view all the time. Every other week for years. I would sit there and wish we were on the water. My Pa was never happy being on land, but he had to turn in my work for school, so we would dock, and I would meet with tutors and the principal. There are only three primary schools on the islands. Then, for secondary, we were sent my packets, any testing, all of it. I also did a lot on a tablet in the cabin at night. I didn’t have friends,” Felix shrugged, “but I had Pa. That was enough.”

“I see. I didn’t have friends either. I had Bailey and my parents. I was happier that way. But you have a friend now. You have me, and as your friend and the older person in this situation, I want you to go to class. It’s important, Felix.”

“Ugh,” he whined, setting the brush down, paint covering the backs of his hands and a few places on his face, “I can’t go like this.”

“Can I have your permission to touch you? I have wipes in my bag. I can clean your face. There’s no mirror here. Then we can get coffee, and I’ll take you to your first class before I run off to mine.”

“Um… don’t move my sleeves. Then you can.”

“I won’t touch your arms.”

“Okay,” he whispered and allowed me to clean his face, watching me the entire time.

“Why are you staring?” I laughed softly, lingering on his jawline.

“You’re… Asher, have you ever been told you’re a doll?”

“Oh. My brother always joked that my features were doll-like. I suppose so. Why?”

“Because it’s accurate. That’s all.”

“You uh… remind me of… hm,” I murmured, getting a bit more paint from his nose, “Oh. That’s what it is. A forget-me-not.”

“Really?”

“Just the way they’re small but strong. Grow from the sides of cliffs, which aren’t the best conditions, but they always bloom. That’s what you make me think of. A small blue flower. A lot like your eyes.”

“Oh,” he squeaked out, “th-thank you.”

“I make you nervous?”

“A little. Yes.”

“That’s okay,” I laughed softly, finishing getting the paint off, “you make me nervous, too.”

“Oh. Is that a good thing?”

“I have no idea. Let’s clean up, okay?”

“S-sure.”

After cleaning up and making sure we had everything, I took Felix to the cafe and ordered a drink for him. He was settled outside, rubbing his hands together to keep warm, and I grabbed a scarf from my bag, offering it to him.

“Are you sure?” Felix stared at me, surprised.

“Positive. It’s rare I get cold. Come on,” I pulled his bag strap gently, and he followed me into the university.

“Asher Alexander Bennett,” an annoying voice called, and I groaned, tilting my head back to look at the ceiling, “You left the apartment with no notice, no note, just a text to tell me you were leaving, but not where you were going?”

“Bailey,” whining, I spun around to find my older brother in his scrubs, “Get to your building. Don’t you have a thesis to defend?”

“My priority is making sure my little brother is safe and making good choices.”

“I was painting in the garden shed with Felix,” I gestured to Felix, who waved nervously, “Neither of us could sleep, so I showed him the shed. He’s going to take care of it when we leave.”

“Well. Fine. But at least give me a location next time.”

“I’m 21, Lee. I’m not 5 anymore and need my brother to keep me safe,” I whispered, rubbing the nape of my neck, “Okay?”

“O-okay. Are you hungover or anything?” Bailey swallowed, clearly surprised that I had told him to back off a bit.

“No. I didn’t drink as much as you. I love you. Go to class.”

“Y-yeah. I love you, too, Ash. Nice to meet you, Felix.”

“Oh! You too,” Felix nodded, a flash of embarrassment on his face as Bailey walked away, “You’re identical,” he whispered to me, “But you’re far more androgynous in your features than he is. Bailey is so…”

“Rugged. Looks just like my Matua Koa. Bailey’s bio dad left Koa at the altar, then, after he married my Dad Rio when Bailey was like 6 or 7, Koa donated for me. Bailey’s bio dad was trans.”

“Got it. Um… well, I’ll talk to you later. My class starts in two minutes. I need to run to it now.”

“Okay. I’ll be busy a lot of today, so if I don’t text back quickly, that’s why.”

“I’m patient. I understand.”

“See you soon?” Smiling, I pulled gently on my scarf as he was still wearing it.

“Oh, absolutely.”