Chapter Eight

“I am done.”

Well, months have already passed, but I’ll try to recreate the memories the best I can…

I was sitting in class, questioning my insignificant little life.

Wish I could just quit.

Wait—who says I can’t?

So there I was, two pages of proposals on why I should quit, handed to my class advisor. He didn’t even look.

There I was, talking to the course manager. Again—he didn’t look.

Guess they don’t care. Well, that’s perfectly understandable.

They asked for my mom, for her to sign my withdrawal.

It went way smoother than I thought. I remember her wearing this stunning white long dress, the smell of her perfume—always so strong it made me choke on my own breaths. It’s the smell of royalty, elegance, and grace.

Too beautiful to be in ITE, or anywhere near.

But she came with me to sign the paperwork anyway. I didn’t explain much about why, or how, or what I would be doing with my life. She didn’t ask much, either.

I watched how my class advisor and the course manager stared at her—the look of men who hadn’t seen a woman in ages. How the teenage boys stared at her.

I will never put her in that kind of situation again.

My class advisor sent us out of the school.

With the "hope of me having a successful life," he said:

“Boen, you need to talk more. Show more. I could never help you. No one will ever be able to help you if you don’t let us. Nobody can see through you or know what you’re thinking. This will be hard for you if you keep doing this.”

He said all that while keeping his eyes—no, locking his eyes—on my mom the whole time.

God…

“Mom? Why did you allow me to do this?”

“’Cause I know you.”

I am now free—from everything and nothing at all.

No school. No responsibilities.

I should give myself time,already did,by walking out of ITE apparently.

I have six months,to be exact,six months to step out and "let the world in".

To feel something,anything beside pure negativity,not really to rebuild a childhood I never had or the fill up the hollow part,I can't go back in time and that's also not the point.

So what is?

My past was a fog I can't see through and my future is a night sky with no stars

I don't know,maybe I don't always have to know everything,just like how I wanted everything and nothing at all..........

I walked around the country, looking at buildings.

Sat on corners for hours, watching—observing normal people go on with their lives.

Writing down every thought and doodling things.

A letter was sent to me. It felt uneasy. It felt like bad news.

The art school I was supposed to join next year changed their minimum intake requirements.

I am no longer eligible.

I folded up the letter, put it in my tie and bowtie drawer, and slowly slid it closed… staring at it intensely.