Chapter 8

Lu Heng racked his brain but never would have guessed that the first thing Jian Ming would ask him to do was visit his mother's grave.

In the past three years, Lu Heng had only been to the cemetery three times, not on an anniversary, but always on his birthday. His parents' gravestones were side-by-side; when his father passed away, his mother bought two adjacent plots, calling them "couple's plots," saying it was cheaper to buy them together. Even though he was young then, he knew his father's death meant a life of hardship, just him and his mother, relying on each other. From that day on, he swore he would replace his father, becoming the mountain and the sky for his mother.

Yet, that mountain and sky never became his mother's support, and now, it never could...

The next day, Jian Ming arrived downstairs at Lu Heng's house in his newly acquired car. Lu Heng emerged from the building, his face grim, and stood in front of the car, not getting in.

Jian Ming turned off the engine and got out, deliberately ignoring Lu Heng's expression. He walked around to the other side, opened the car door, and in a relaxed tone, said, "The address you gave me was easy to find. I usually have a terrible sense of direction." He chuckled. "By the way, you should be off today, no need to take leave, right?"

"Jian Ming, I don't want to go." Lu Heng's voice was filled with dejection. He cursed himself; he knew he had made the decision, and he had agreed to Jian Ming's request. He had said it all himself. But now, at the last minute, he was genuinely afraid to go, a deep, bone-chilling fear.

Jian Ming had already seen the cause of Lu Heng's illness in his file and knew his core issue revolved around his mother. When he made the request, he hadn't expected Lu Heng to agree so quickly. In fact, Lu Heng's immediate acceptance had been surprisingly prompt. Now it seemed his agreement yesterday was merely a declaration of his determination to trust.

"Officer Lu, you haven't celebrated your birthday in three years, have you? You want to punish yourself, so you only go to the cemetery on that day, to receive the cruelest judgment in your heart and willingly endure the most painful physical torment, is that right? If you're so willing, then why bother with therapy?" Jian Ming's voice was agitated; he didn't understand how he, usually unaffected by external influences, had lost control. Seeing Lu Heng wanting to retreat and hide, his own emotions were pulled along.

Lu Heng wanted to retort, to curse, to rage, but when he opened his mouth, not a single word came out. The "x-ray" in front of him saw through everything, words cutting without mercy. He was so tired, a fatigue he'd never felt before, a stone pressing on his chest, threatening to crush him.

"You're right. Every time I go, I wish it were me lying in there. But what's the use? Can it be changed? Counselor Jian, Dr. Jian, Professor Jian, you're so omnipotent, why don't you help me switch places!" Lu Heng's eyes were bloodshot, the latter half of his sentence practically roared.

He clutched his head, crouching on the steps at the building's exit, huddled like a child.

Jian Ming simply parked the car, walked over to Lu Heng, and sat down on the step beside him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder and back. "I'm sorry. As your psychological counselor, I shouldn't have said those things... But as your friend... I hope you can take it to heart..."

Friend? Lu Heng's heart trembled. He looked up at Jian Ming incredulously, his eyes filled with doubt.

Jian Ming returned a sincere gaze but said nothing more, sensing that Lu Heng seemed to have something to say. As expected, after a minute of silence, Lu Heng finally took that first step towards him.

Today was Saturday, August 26, 2018. Downstairs from Lu Heng's house, Jian Ming silently made a note in Lu Heng's newly re-established file.

"My mom was a very honest and decent woman. After Dad passed away, she went through a lot of hardships with me, but she never thought of remarrying. I know she didn't want me to suffer or feel any unfairness, Jian Ming, do you know? During my three years of middle school, because our home was far from school and required two bus transfers, my mom would take a four-stop bus ride every day to the transfer point and wait for me. She said it got dark after school, and she worried about me. Sometimes, if I had late classes, she would wait for an hour or two, every single day, rain or shine." Lu Heng looked into the distance, as if recounting tales from days long past.

"I used to brag shamelessly to her. I'd say, 'Mom, just you wait. When I make something of myself, I'll make sure you don't have to do anything, just sit at home and rest. I'll make sure you enjoy great blessings and make up for all the hard times.' Haha, isn't it funny? I really thought I could do it back then. After graduating from police academy, I joined the special police force, and I swear, not a single day did I make her worry less. Forget about enjoying life, sometimes she couldn't even sleep peacefully because she worried about me so much, yet she never once told me to change professions, not even once." Lu Heng's voice began to choke, and a thin film of moisture clouded his eyes.

He seemed flustered, as if trying to conceal something, and lit a cigarette, taking a hard drag.

"Being a special police officer was always my dream. My uncle was a special police officer; he served half his life as a special forces soldier, and after retiring, he led those awesome special police units in the patrol branch. He was my idol since I was little. I decided in high school that I'd go to police academy after graduation. It was my own decision; I didn't ask my mom or my uncle. I'm pretty awesome, right?" He chuckled at Jian Ming, a desperate sarcasm in his laugh.

Perhaps his legs were numb from squatting too long, Lu Heng stood up and stretched, then flicked away the cigarette, stepping on it to extinguish it. He then looked down at Jian Ming. "How about we go up to my place? I have something to show you."

Jian Ming was momentarily stunned, his reaction uncharacteristically slow. After a moment, he stood up. "Okay, lead the way."

Lu Heng's home was on the sixth floor of the building. It was an old residential area with no elevator. They ascended the stairs in sync, one after the other, neither speaking until Lu Heng took out his key and opened the door.

"Welcome to the Lu Residence, make yourselves at home." Lu Heng's voice echoed in the empty room.

It truly was an empty room. In the living room, there was nothing but an old, cracked leather sofa and a shoe cabinet by the door. At least a coffee table in front of the sofa might have made it seem less bleak. To the left of the living room was the kitchen. Lu Heng emerged from it with two bottles of purified water, handing one to Jian Ming.

"Let's go into my bedroom, that's my domain." Lu Heng didn't know that this sentence nearly made Jian Ming spit out the water he'd just drunk.

Jian Ming found his own state very odd. Logically, today was a good start, and he should have been focused on breaking through Lu Heng's defenses. But ever since Lu Heng began recounting his memories, Jian Ming had been swept along by his emotions. Every word Lu Heng spoke had a delayed reaction by more than half a beat. After entering his home, Jian Ming became unprecedentedly sluggish. Even more seriously, his heart suddenly raced because of one of Lu Heng's sentences. It was too bizarre. Jian Ming felt he had to quickly regain his rational and rigorous demeanor.

Seeing that Jian Ming hadn't followed, Lu Heng turned back and called out again, "Jian Ming, what are you spacing out about? Come on in. The stuff I want to show you is in my room."

Jian Ming nodded and followed him into the bedroom, feeling that this room actually looked like someone lived there.

The bedroom was quite large. In the center on the left was a large brown fabric bed with two matching nightstands. Near the door was a full row of wardrobes. Under the large window directly opposite the door was a two-tiered corner cabinet that extended to the right wall of the room, with a computer and various odds and ends on top. Further out, there was a door, which was likely a bathroom. The room was quite packed, so Lu Heng's meaning of "my domain" was understandable.

"No chairs in the room, so just sit on the bed." Lu Heng took off his jacket, tossed it onto the bed, and walked to the window to pull open the curtains.

"What did you want to show me?" Jian Ming didn't sit down, watching Lu Heng walk back and forth in the room, his eyes full of confusion.

Lu Heng turned and sat directly on the floor beneath the computer, slowly pulling open the bottom drawer of the cabinet with gentle movements. Jian Ming approached him, leaning against the edge of the bed, his line of sight perfectly able to see the contents of the drawer.

It was a stack of certificates and what looked like medals and awards. Lu Heng sifted through them with his hand, picking up a medal with a police badge emblem. He said with a hint of pride, "Look, this is the first medal I got at the police academy, first place in individual rapid shooting. There were over thirty people in our shooting group then, it wasn't easy to get." He chuckled and shook his head, then took out another one. This one was simple in shape, like a large gold coin chocolate. "This is also from the police academy, second place in anti-pressure force advancement. A bit ashamed, I only fell behind in one of the five competition items, and it was still to the first place." He pouted, looking a bit disgruntled. "This one, this award is the most awesome one I got. In my second year with the special police team, first in individual sniper rifle shooting. Jian Ming, you don't know, I've loved guns since I was a kid, especially sniping. Have you seen them? The really long ones with telescopes on top." He gestured with his hands to show Jian Ming. Meanwhile, Jian Ming, standing silently beside him, gazed at the seemingly excited, childlike man, his heart suddenly feeling a prick, a spreading pain.

Lu Heng kept smiling foolishly, which reminded Jian Ming of the photo in the file. This must be the real him, the foolishly smiling Lu Heng in the photo.

At this moment, the man sitting on the floor suddenly lost his smile and picked up a certificate with a dazed expression. The certificate looked like it had been torn and then re-glued. Jian Ming saw "Top Ten Loyal Guards of Chinese Special Police" printed next to the title, and below that, "Individual Second-Class Merit Lu Heng." The date was blurry and hard to read. Jian Ming asked curiously, "Second-Class Merit? This should be the most awesome award, right?"

Lu Heng sneered, a dense cloud of sorrow rising in his brows as he stared at the certificate with extreme grief.

"Yeah, I lost my mom for it, so isn't it the most awesome?" Lu Heng let out a bitter laugh, then squeezed his eyes shut, clutching the certificate so tightly that it seemed he would crumple it.

Jian Ming suddenly understood. He placed his hand on Lu Heng's shoulder, wanting to say something, but not knowing what.

"I pulled the trigger myself, it was me. Those beasts captured her, and I, I still tried to show off... I... I'm a complete bastard..." A line of tears streamed from Lu Heng's tightly closed eyes, his body trembling, as if he was trying desperately to control himself.

Jian Ming squatted down, kneeling on one knee, and wrapped his arm around Lu Heng, pressing his head against his chest. "Cry it out, don't hold it in, cry it out." His hand tightly embraced Lu Heng's shoulder, his voice also trembling slightly.

Lu Heng still tried to force the welling tears back behind his pupils, desperately trying not to make a sound, but he couldn't suppress the surge of grief. The tears in his eyes accumulated, finally breaking free with a hoarse cry, and he buried his head in Jian Ming's embrace, sobbing aloud.

This was likely the first time Lu Heng had cried so freely while conscious. He cried for an unknown amount of time, from deep sobs gradually turning into soft whimpers, finally subsiding...

Jian Ming felt numb all over, his legs no longer his own. Having stayed in one position, kneeling on one knee, for too long, he didn't dare to move, fearing he would fall.

Lu Heng's emotions slowly calmed. When he consciously realized that he had just cried in Jian Ming's arms, his skin from head to toe instantly flushed red. His upper eyelashes continuously brushed against his lower eyelids, mortified and wishing he could disappear into the ground. Half of his face was still pressed against Jian Ming's chest, the distinct sound of the other's heartbeat reminding him of his current disheveled posture. He suddenly shot up from the ground and fled desperately to the bathroom.

Jian Ming relaxed his entire body and slumped onto the floor. He touched his forehead, realizing it was covered in sweat. The lingering warmth on his chest inexplicably stirred his abnormally fast heart. He pressed hard against his chest, surprised by the unexpected surge of desire. He couldn't believe that after witnessing Lu Heng's trembling, tears, and breakdown, he could still have such thoughts. This damned stress response annoyed him immensely.

Inside the bathroom, Lu Heng's face was submerged in the sink full of water. He held his breath for a long time until small bubbles rose to the surface, then he suddenly lifted his head, splashing water onto the counter and mirror. He vigorously shook his head, staring at his bloodshot eyes in the mirror, and slammed his fist heavily onto the marble counter.

A rapid knocking on the door pulled Lu Heng back to reality. His back pressed tightly against the door. The inescapable feeling of embarrassment at having to face the person outside threatened to consume him.

"Lu Heng, are you... okay?" Hearing a muffled thud, Jian Ming practically leaped to the bathroom door. The door creaked, but there was no response. He, of course, knew what the man inside was avoiding. He cleared his throat twice, trying to soothe him with a calm, light tone: "Don't worry about it; this is just a normal emotional release. I'm quite happy for you. Come out first, let's talk."

After a moment of silence, the door opened.

Lu Heng stood inside with his head down, while Jian Ming watched him from outside the door.