MY NIGHT WAS SPENT with twists and turns in my bed. 

The sheet crinkles as I shift my leg to my upper body and wrap my arms around it. The fake pearl chain with a single blue clear stone in it tightens its hold around my wrist, and I peer at it under the light of the dawn. It is not beautifully crafted into perfection like all the other beaded chains in nearby stores.There is no clear arrangement of beads, and the elastic holding them together is messily wound up into a knot as if the creator was making it in a hurry.

People who have seen me wearing it have recommended replacing it with something good, something perfect. But for me, it was perfect—precious.The nights Cameron spent designing the bracelet and trampling upon it in search of a perfect gift for me were a precious time after all.

I play with it for a while, pulling the string and letting it go. The chain falls down my arm and just stays there against my flesh, looking as if it will break and scatter around if a slight pressure is applied. I yawn and look at the blue stone with tired eyes. 

It looks like those eyes.

Shining. Bright and so blue. Just like the ocean under the glaring sun.

I fall on my back and look at the ceiling. There are glow stars planted on the wry walls, and the paint seems to be prepared to fall off anytime soon, a stark contrast to the newly painted walls holding it. The repainting was Cameron's idea. ‘You need to let go of the past so that you can look forward to the future,’ he had once told me. 

His words echo in my mind, and I sigh, clenching my eyes shut. Our past was never full of bubbles and cotton candies. It was always beer bottles and drugs of an unfamiliar kind.In our world, Grandma was the only shining light. When she was gone, Cameron became the replacement to fill the void set in my heart by her demise. I am not bright, but I would not consider myself dull, either. It’s Cameron, his disappearance turned me into a sobbing mess. 

I hear the sound of the waves crashing from my bed. It's soothing. It's familiar. There is nothing unusual about them today.There was nothing unusual about them that day, either.I try twisting and turning again in hopes of finding a way to dreamland. Right as I am about to fall asleep, the bell rings. 

It rings once. I ignore. It rings twice. I ignore it again.

It rings thrice. I rise from my bed.

It rings and rings and rings. I groan and jump off the bed, fixing my attire before moving to the front door. It is only six in the morning, the time when I usually wake up for a jog before Cameron goes missing.  The persistent ringing continued even when I yelled to them that I was coming to the door. Tired, I yank the door open. The bell above me jingles at the movement.

It is partly dark outside. The crashing of the tides is the first thing I notice, as usual. The sun peeking out from the seabed awakens from its eternal rest and greets me with its light. It is gentle and embraces my skin in a nice warm hold. The morning breeze wraps me in a cold blanket, and I pull the edge of the shirt that I'm wearing closer to myself. 

Victor and Bastian wait for me before the door. Bastian is staring down at me while Victor watches the magnificent morning through his glasses. “Well, hello there, sleeping beauty! Did I ruin your sleep?” Bastian asks, and I glare at him through puffy eyes.

“Oh, did you now?” Bastian shows off his gummy smile. Victor turns around and stares at me for a moment before breaking into a smile as well. 

“Looks like you were already awake by the time we got here.”

I rub my eyes. “It would have been nice if that was the case, but I couldn't sleep at all. It was so cold last night.”

Victor hums and nods. “You are right. It was cold last night.”

“So much for summer,” Bastian mutters next to him. 

I fold my arms and lean against the wooden door. With a brow raised, I smile at them. “Do you both have nothing to do except being my alarm clock?”

Both the men smile brighter at that. Bastian walks to me and pulls me close to hug me.

“Mhm. Just think of it as that for now.” He pulls away. “We're here to pull you with us for a jog. So hurry up and get yourself prepared, missy.” My face twists into a dry expression. “Ugh. I just said I couldn't sleep, and now you're pushing me for a jog? How cruel can you be?”

This time, it's Victor who responds. He ruffled my hair and said, “Stop with the dramatics. Go and get ready, Clara.”

“Ugh, fine.”I move away from the door to let the two of them inside. 

We pass by the antiques on our way inside. The smell of old wood and polish lingers in the room like Orpheus in the realm of death, anxious to leave and look behind at the same time. A squeak follows me, and I sigh. “Seriously, Bastian? Isn't it about time that you get rid of those damn sneakers?”

He looks offended and jumps back as if a flame had touched him, casually knocking into Victor as he does so. The latter groans while Bastian continues his dramatics. “How could you? They are my precious babies!”

“Damn you and your babies. Move aside!” Victor says as he pushes Bastian to the side. “Did you just?” Bastian frowns. Victor sighs and quickly makes his way inside to avoid Bastian’s wrath. I shake my head at the sight. “Do you guys want something to drink? Tea? Or maybe coffee?” 

Bastian sinks into the couch while Victor shuts the door behind him. He walks by the console table and freezes when he nears it. He slowly turns to the wooden furniture and lifts his arm. Fingertips trace the edge of the wooden frame and lift it up to his face. 

The old picture of us four, Cameron, I, Bastian and Victor, along with grandma, stares back at him, and he smiles albeit sadly. When he hears my footsteps nearing him, he places it down and acts like that didn't happen. Unfortunately for him, the glass windows, not hidden by the white drapes, were a good mirror. They were as clear as the sea during summer. They showed his slightly frowning face before it shifted into that melancholic smile.

He misses them as much as I do. It shouldn't make me smile, but it does. The knowledge that I alone wasn't suffering made my heart warm but clench painfully until it was bleeding out at the same time.

“Um, no. We had it before coming here.”

“Nonsense! Clara, go make me some coffee.” He smiles wryly. “please?” He adds upon seeing my glare.

“Help yourself, mister,” I say while flashing him a delightful smile. 

Bastian pouts but says nothing in return.

I head towards the kitchen, place a cup of water on the boiler and leave it on. Then I walked back to my room, casually picking up a bun that I had left forgotten on the dining table on my way and tying my hair. I brush my teeth and rinse my face with cold water before heading back to the living room where the boys are waiting for me. Bastian lazily looks up to me, and his eyes brighten up at the sight of the extra coffee mug in my hand. 

“Clara! You're such an angel!” 

I stick my tongue out at him, which he ignores. 

“Wait here for a moment. I'll be back after wearing my joggers.” Victor nods. Bastian lets out a pleased gasp after taking one sip of the coffee. 

“As expected. Clara makes the best coffee.” He says. Victor and I share a shocked glance. 

“Uh? Thank you?” 

Half an hour and five hundred meters in the other direction of my house later, we take a detour through the shortcut. It led back to my house and cut through the lighthouse. 

I am soaked in my sweat as we reach the lighthouse. The trees, mostly palms and coconuts in the field of mahagonies, cover the path in darkness and provide shade for us. We are talking about matters at hand- my business, Bastian’s surfing and Victor’s new novel when we all notice the crowd forming near the lighthouse. 

It is strange and concerning. The place is mostly isolated, with no one to give the building company except for the master, the blinking stars and the retreating tides. The building would be hidden except for its bright light that guides the ships and provides company for everyone who passes by the road.  “What's going on? Why's there a crowd?”

Victor and Bastian stay silent. When I look up at SeunBastian, I see him exchanging words with Victor through his eyes. They both look conflicted. “What’s wrong?” I ask. Bastian hesitates before opening his mouth. “Clara…uhm…how should I put it?”

Something unsettling settles in my stomach. “Bastian?”Victor sighs. “Someone leapt out from the cliff last night.”

I stare at him, shocked. “Is it someone we know?”He shakes his head. “No one knows for sure. The person the guard on duty saw was a woman dressed in white. He wouldn’t have noticed her at all because of the unusual fog that rose last night, but her dress was eye-catching.”

I pause. I suddenly remembered the lady customer I had yesterday. She, too, was dressed in fabulous white. “Oh my god,” I say. A frown makes its way to my face. “Isn’t this happening a lot these days? These mysterious disappearing?”

Victor hesitates while Bastian responds, “It sure is.”

“Did they find her body?”

“Not yet.” Bastian starts, “She went into the arms of the sea willingly, and the sea is not known to return things she claims, right?”My breathing hitches. The words he uttered are familiar to me. The ocean has taken him, Clara. What the ocean claims never returns.

I laugh to myself. Of course. The sea.

The damned sea. 

MY HATRED TOWARDS the sea or the ocean didn’t sprout out from the mud of my mind out of nowhere. It began on a similar summer evening when Cameron, at the ripe age of twenty one, came to me with a wish of his own. 

I was changing the water of his treasured plants that he had brought there to our home with his hard-earned money. Dressed in his casuals, his favourite green t-shirt that always clashed with his hair, he neared me with two mugs of steaming tea in his hands. He sat on the wooden bench that we had brought from our savings from the past years’ business and passed me the tea. 

“The sea is beautiful, isn’t it?” he started.

“Is it?”

“Is it not?”

“I don’t know. I have grown bored of seeing the sea for years now. I crave more of land than sea these days.”

“You should’ve come with me when I asked you to move in with me in the city. We could’ve rocked, you know.”

“If I had come with you, who would’ve taken care of the business dummy?”

His shoulders slumped, and his posture hunched at my comment. The sight melted something in my chest. A warm flutter arose within my ribcage, and I suppressed it, though it might’ve gotten released accidentally because the next thing I knew, I was ruffling and making a mess of his golden hair.  “Clara!” He swatted my hand away.

“Geez. Be gentle with a girl.”

“You are hardly a girl.”

I waved my hand downward my body. “Does this look like a man’s body to you?”

“Geez, I was just kidding.”

“Now you’ll think twice before kidding me.” I smiled. A peaceful silence settled between us. I heard him shuffling in his place and gritting his teeth from where I sat, and I asked without looking up.

“What did you do this time?”

“...Nothing?”

“Is that a question?”

“Uh, no?” I waited. The crashing of the tides was a familiar noise that I had mastered the art of ignoring when I was outside. Cameron sighed. “Clara.”

"Hmmm?”

“Claaraaa.”

“What, you idiot?”

He paused. “I left my job.”

I laughed it off. “Yes, that was a nice one.”

When I heard no groan from his side, something he would’ve done when his plans failed, I looked up at him and gasped when I met his sincere gaze. “Cameron, are you fucking insane?! What have you done?” He scratched his head, his nervous habit. “Look, Clara, I understand that you’re mad, but listen to me.”

“I would listen to you only if whatever comes out of your mouth is the reason behind all this mess.”

“Okay, okay, now calm down. I’m scared.”

“You should be.”

“...Clara, I’ve always admired our grandmother. She was strong, she was humble, but most importantly, she was adventurous. Do you know what it was about her stories that captivated me the most? The sound of the ocean, the warmth of the air, the numbing cold depths of the waters; the thrill of having it all, feeling it all against my skin and carving it in my memories.”

“I want that, Clara. I want to feel the ocean. I want to know the ocean. I want to be with it.”

I felt it before he said it- the falling of my heart to the ground and the crushing of the glass that I had preserved it in. “But you already are revelling in all of it,” I whispered into the space that divided us. He smiled, albeit painfully. “I know. But that’s not enough for me, Clara.”

“I have to become a sailor.”