While he's sad, I'm full. Our relationship was that simple. He stopped trying to tease me with kisses and I kept my hands off, even when he's defenselessly passed out. Most of the time the temptation to shower him with kisses gets too strong but I reminded myself that a kiss can turn into a bite and biting him means putting his life in danger.

Sometimes I feel like a scum for secretly hoping he never finds something to be happy about so we won't lose our only connection. It's not that I fear going hungry again. After all, I was more hungry than not in my short vampire life.

But if he'd just stay lonely, he would need me. I would never lose my place as his happy pill.

Maybe I'm contradicting myself but giving him away to Champion seemed okay, because I'd still see him and they'd still be around. But giving him to somebody else I don't know makes me shiver. I will never let anybody else get close to him more than how close we already are.

At the university, I accompany him inside the restroom and wait while he does his rituals inside a cubicle. He admitted that having an audience while he cuts himself would be so much like having someone watch you while you take a bath naked. Honestly, I wouldn't want to watch him too. Just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean I lost the ability to feel queasy.

"What if I just bite you directly?" I asked, raising my head to look at him. I was kneeling on the cubicle floor while he sat on the toilet seat, watching me as I took a break from licking his wrist. He scowled at me and flicked my forehead with an index and middle finger.

"Will you just hurry up and fuck off already?" he snapped with his eyes rolling back to his head. I laughed softly and continued sucking on his slashed wrist.

Every time he's attacked by his anxiety and all the other stuff eating away at his brain, I would always remind him to direct his energy on me instead of snapping on somebody else. Slap me for example. Or call me and curse me until he feels good. It's way better than being slapped.

After a while, I got to the level where I could freely go to his house whenever he needed me. Of course I have to make sure his mom's not around, or when she's in her room, which is so easy because their house is too big for three people. I doubt they see each other everyday there.

Now, he's purring like a contented cat after our feeding session. I stared at his naked back as he slept in a fetal position on his huge bed. Fair and pinkish, his immaculate skin tempts me to take a bite so I pull up his blanket to hide him from my view.

He gets dizzy and falls asleep after feeding me so we agreed to do it in his room if we can help it. The undressing was partly because he hated getting bloodstains on his expensive clothes. And their nosy washing lady started spreading rumors about him being pregnant and going through a secret abortion, just because he didn't have much of an appetite. His frequent puking due to anxiety only made matters worse.

He turned to me but stayed curled up so I pulled him close and he snuggled against my chest despite my frigidity that he openly disliked. He frowned and mumbled incoherent words that I found myself smiling as I admired the shape of his lips. I wrap an arm around him to watch him sleep the whole evening.

Every time we're like this, I can't help but miss my mother's barbecue. The worst thing about turning into a vampire though, is forgetting the reason why food should taste good.

Am I still me? If I really died, and I hate most of the stuff that I used to like and I couldn't do those things I used to love doing, then who am I now?

But this is what I want to avoid if I was a writer, throwing in all those phony questions just so I may sound relevant until readers discover that those lines were extracted from the few Young Adult novels that I've read. Anyway, that was when I was jumping from one bandwagon to another.

I long to meet my old self again. Maybe that way I could remember who I was. The more I expose myself to Austin, the more I feel and it's scaring the shit out of me.

Is this the feeling I'm going to live with forever?

"Genesis. . ."

The ringing in my ears stopped so I snapped back to the present where my eyes can't stop leaking tears that I didn't mean to let flow.

Austin's awake, staring with his hazy eyes while creases appeared on his smooth forehead.

"Why are you crying when you're not even hungry?" he asked, still groggy and weak. He poked the side of my mouth with a finger.

"What am I, an infant?" I scoffed but my voice broke in a sob or a hiccup.

"Yeah, a three-month old baby vampire. Though I don't actually care what you are, baby boy, tell me anyway."

There it is again. The disclaimer that clearly states how much differently we feel about each other. That I'm the only one chasing after him.

"Why are you asking me when you don't even care?" I asked, feeling bummed all of a sudden. All I want is a hug and I can't even ask him that.

He groaned and rolled away from me before sitting up, brandishing his red index finger right on my face. It's painful how he's the prettiest when he's bare, just the puffy just-woke-up eyes and plump lips.

"Decide if you wanna be an emo or a vampire. And don't give me that attitude, Magno. You know I have a very low tolerance to other people's drama," he said without breaking his calm façade but he's trembling and he's breathing harder by the second. "It's my blood that keeps you alive so you better worship me instead of being a fucking dick! Would I let you molest me if I think you're a worthless piece of shit? Would I let you suck me dry if I don't care about you?"

I just realized something. So the reason why protagonists in novels ask rhetorical questions was due to the readers needing guide questions so they would know the author's intentions. So you'd know where to look for hints. Those questions should be answered as the novel reaches its conclusion so you wouldn't be wasting time reading some pointless shit that doesn't go anywhere.

So what is the purpose of his questions?

I sighed, choosing instead to stare at his shivering hands, tightly clasped on his pale legs.

"So you really think I'm a dog, don't you?" I smiled but I knew I looked pathetic.

"You're changing the topic!"

"You went too far with that 'molest' word!" I snapped at him, feeling ashamed as I recalled everything we did, or if I really did feel him up without his consent. "You're making it sound like I'm a rapist!"

He sighed, reaching out to wipe my cheek with his thumb.

"I'm sorry, Genesis. I didn't mean to say it like that," he said and exhaled loudly again, like the mere act of explaining to me suffocates him. "But you shouldn't feel that way. I don't mind getting naked in front of you because you've seen everything. I have nothing to hide, so what's the point?"

"Physically. Aside from that, I don't know shit about you, Austin. I don't know what you really feel and I have no idea what goes on inside your head. . . If this is okay with you or you're just doing this because you're afraid I'd kill you."

Austin gaped at me. He looked so done. He has that look that says he should be somewhere else worth maximizing the capacity of his brain cells instead of talking to a lost cause vampire. I braced myself for his barrage of curses, but then his expression softened like he's really talking to a kid who can only understand him if he simplified everything that comes out of his mouth.

"You've seen more than that," he said. What surprised me is the fact that his tone isn't patronizing at all. Just disappointed and tired. "Sadly, you're a dense motherfucker. Think, Genesis. Why would I let you see me naked every time you're here?"

"Because you don't see me as a human being? I'm just a piece of furniture for you."

"Ahhh, you're such an idiot," Austin groaned and hid himself underneath his thick comforter. "Go home, Magno. You make my brain itch."

I did go home without remembering how I managed to get there.

What I really wanted was to have someone to complain to, someone who knows I'm a vampire and is knowledgeable enough to explain why I'm feeling so conflicted.

Where is Nurgis when I need him the most anyway?