Present Day, Seoul

Yun Seo’s funeral was small, a quiet service in the garden of the Jang estate around the pond where his mother had been – or perhaps still was. I had no way of knowing. The service itself had not been exactly in keeping with Korean tradition, but I was glad for that. Seeing Na Rae dressed as chief mourner with Yun Seo’s portrait framed by flowers was not something I wanted. 

Na Rae had no ashes to bury. Apparently human remains disintegrated quickly in water. At least that’s what the police had said. They found his shoes and his watch, but little else. I still had my doubts that he’d ever made it to the water in the first place, but I seemed to be the only one still holding on to any hope. 

I’d been surprised that Chan Wook wanted to come with me to the funeral. I wondered if he’d come for me or for Hi Ah since they seemed to be hovering rather close to each other considering they were recent acquaintances. In spite of the circumstances, he looked healthy and bright-eyed, happier than I’d seen him in a long time, his positive energy obvious even in the subdued atmosphere of the funeral as if he were trying to bolster everyone else with his strength. He’d always been that way, but the effort had always seemed to cost him in the past as if he were sharing from his reserves rather than his excess. I suspected he had more than enough to give away now, however. 

Looking around the small gathering, I noticed that In Ho was standing protectively close to Na Rae, never drifting far from her shadow. There was something about the way he looked at her, the way his palm cupped her elbow as he led her back inside once the ceremony ended, that seemed familiar. Comfortable. Although I’d never seen a relationship like that coming, it made a strange sort of sense. They were both so practical and driven, but they also complemented each other in many ways, and I had no doubt that In Ho had been a rock for Na Rae as she took on the role of Liminal’s CEO. I was glad they had each other at a time like this.

I lingered in the garden longer than anyone else before going back inside. The feeling of disconnect from my body that started in Spain had followed me all the way home. I watched myself find a seat by the windows so I wouldn’t lose sight of the memorial outside and I wondered if I would ever find my way back into my own body or if I would stay like this forever, present but with a delay, my body like a puppet I animated from afar.

“Would you like some coffee, oppa?” 

Tugging at my own strings, I turned my head to look at Na Rae. “No. I’m fine.” That was a lie, but I didn’t want anything to drink.

“I’m glad you’re here.” Reaching out, she placed a delicate palm against my shoulder, the contact barely registering through my own numbness. For a grieving sister, she seemed to be doing far better than me, even mustering a smile through her sadness.

I shifted my head up and down in a nod. 

She walked away and I felt a sense of relief as I realized I wouldn’t have to perform for her anymore. Turning to look out the window again, I stared at the marker beside the pond. I knew that there was nothing of Yun Seo in that grave, but I had nowhere else to look. Nowhere else to find him.

“How was your flight?” In Ho leaned a shoulder against the wall beside me, tilting his head to get a better look at my face.

I shrugged. “Long.”

He huffed softly. “You were in Spain?”

I nodded. “It’s a beautiful country.”

“Will you go back there after this?”

I considered my response, thinking about Pehtra and the rest of the Hunt, the goodbye I’d given them that felt final to me in a way I hadn’t planned. Pehtra had assured me I was welcome to rejoin them any time. They were on their way to her mother country of Slovenia soon and she seemed to think it would be a good place to distract me from my worries. But I’d already made my decision. “No.”

A crease formed between In Ho’s brows. “Will you stay here?”

That didn’t feel right either, but I hadn’t actually thought about it. “I don’t think so. Not for long.”

Pressing his lips into a thin line, he took a sip of coffee. “You look good, at least.”

I wasn’t sure how to take that. I didn’t spend a lot of time looking in the mirror and I wasn’t in the habit of grooming myself more than was necessary. While I was traveling with the Hunt I’d stopped cutting my hair and only shaved occasionally even though my beard was patchy at best. I’d cleaned myself up for the funeral, slicking my hair back and giving myself a close shave. My suit was one Yun Seo had bought for me. I’d found it waiting for me in the closet at my house when I unpacked, tighter than I remembered, especially in the arms and the chest, but I hadn’t had time to take it to a tailor. 

“You’ve filled out a bit,” In Ho said. “Gained some muscle. And you look healthy. Apart from the jet lag.” A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. 

Shifting my attention back to the garden, I sighed.

His tenuous smile faded. “Na Rae told me about your theory.”

“It’s not a theory,” I replied quickly. “It’s denial.”

He seemed satisfied by my response even though I wasn’t entirely sure I believed my own words. “Good.” Squeezing my shoulder before walking away, he added, “He’s finally free, and you should be too. All those strings he used to tie you up in knots are cut now, so stop holding on.”

I didn’t know how to tell him that it wasn’t that simple. Yun Seo wasn’t the only one who’d made knots. I’d tangled myself up as much as he had tied me down, and I was still holding onto those strings now even though they’d been slack for a long time. 

I continued staring out the window until the next interruption.

“How are you holding up?” 

Glancing up at Hi Ah, I couldn’t help but feel like the grieving widow with all the mourners coming to pay their respects. I nodded at her, hoping that would be enough.

She folded her arms over her stomach and turned to gaze out the window with me. “I still can’t believe he’s really gone.” 

I got the feeling she was waiting for me to say something, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

“I never expected the boss to go that way.”

“Me either.”

She turned to look at me with worry in her gaze. “It must be especially hard for you. After what happened with your father, I mean.”

Pulling my strings, I made myself nod again.

“I’m available for stone skipping any time you want to do it again.”

That actually made my lips twitch, and for a moment I lurched a little closer to my body, closer than I’d been since I read that headline announcing Yun Seo’s death. “I’ll let you know. Thanks.”

She touched my arm lightly. “Be kind to yourself,” she added before walking away.

Strangely, that was the thing that unsettled me the most. How was I supposed to do that? I had been traveling the world following my own whims for more than a year. What could be kinder than that? I’d supplied enough rope to hang myself – and that thought was far too close to home for comfort.

I stood up and began to walk with no idea where my feet were taking me. I expected to end up in the nearest restroom where I could close the door for a moment and hide from everyone’s scrutiny, allowing myself to be whatever I needed to be without being judged. But my feet passed the bathroom and walked down the hall until I saw that old doorway in the distance, the one that had been built into this house after the original one burned down. The wooden frame was a stark contrast to the modern lines of the new house, dark mahogany scored with flame, marred in places and warped out of shape. 

The wood felt warm to the touch as if it were alive. Dragging my fingers over the ridges and whorls of its texture, I felt tears begin to fall down my cheeks. How many times had his hand been in exactly this place? How many times had he stepped through this portal and arrived somewhere else? 

Taking a deep breath, I turned to look into the bedroom, my nose assaulted by the familiar scent of his cologne. The curtains were drawn, only a narrow shard of light cutting past them to cast a spotlight across the floor and the corner of the bed. My mind could fill in the blanks, projecting his memory over the surfaces. I saw him sitting in the chair, a book splayed open in his lap, his face turned toward the window in thought, the light shading his skin like a Caravaggio painting. I saw him on the bed, hovering over me with a look in his eyes that made my stomach clench with want even now. I saw him stepping out of the closet, a tie hanging loose around his neck as he adjusted his cufflinks, his shirt only half buttoned. 

I closed my eyes and slid down the door jamb to the floor, my feet touching the other side while the wood pressed against my spine. I wanted to stay here. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to wait until I felt him return, passing through the space I occupied and arriving in my place and time instead of existing as simply a projection of my memory. 

Why was I like this? Why was I longing for a man who had betrayed me, who had barely allowed me to know him and rejected me the moment I got too close? 

“Oppa.” Na Rae sounded so sad that I shuddered in reaction, wrapping my arms around my middle as if I could hide if I made myself small enough. She dropped to a crouch beside me, her voice so pained I couldn’t bring myself to meet her eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“I miss him,” I said in a broken voice. “I don’t know why. I’ve spent so much time trying to forget him, but all that time, even as I was trying to let him go, I always knew that he was somewhere out there living his life. I knew there was always a way back if I changed my mind. But now…” Closing my eyes again, I made a sound that was more desperate than a sob and I covered my face with my hands.

She hugged me. Her embrace was a bit like her brother’s, tentative and awkward, like she didn’t know how to offer comfort but was trying her best. 

When I’d recovered my sanity enough to stop shaking, I wiped my eyes and pulled out of her arms, turning away as I rose to my feet on legs that shivered like a newborn fawn’s. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “You’re the one who’s lost a brother. I should be comforting you today, not the other way around.”

She was biting her lip and looked conflicted when I turned back to face her. “I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. My relationship with Yunie-oppa has always been complicated, so it’s hard for me to relate to what you’re feeling. Maybe it’s still too fresh. I don’t know. But I wish I could take away your pain.”

I shook my head. “That’s not your responsibility. Take care of yourself. I’ll be fine.”

Her expression said she didn’t believe me, but she allowed me the lie. “Would you go to the museum with me before you leave town again?”

The question was so out of the blue that it shook me out of my stupor more than anything else had. I appreciated that she didn’t ask if I was staying or project her expectations onto me. All she did was ask for company. “Let me know when you want to go, and I’ll be there.”

She offered me a smile that was so genuine and sad that I couldn’t tolerate it for long.