Deleted post on Requite by user: Munshin

You will never read this.

I expect you deleted this app the day you left, and I can’t imagine what would make you ever reinstall it. You never understood the appeal of baring one’s soul to an audience of strangers to say how you feel rather than telling the one person you want to know. Not that you shared your feelings at all. You kept them bottled up inside, tucked away out of sight so that they wouldn’t trouble anyone but you. I’d never known anyone more self contained than me until I met you. I admired you for it until I realized that you would never let me truly know you for who you are because you were always too busy being who you thought I wanted you to be.

I don’t like being known any more than you do.

That’s a lie. Deep down, everyone wants to be understood. They want to be seen with all of their faults and failings and accepted in spite of them. I’m no different, I suppose. I simply fear rejection more than I crave understanding. Would you believe that I shared more of myself with you than I’ve shared with anyone but my family? Pathetic, I know, since I still held so much back. I trusted you in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever trusted anyone. Not enough to trust you to accept me for who I really am, obviously, since I took that option away from you. When you got too close for me to protect myself, I gave you a reason to leave before you could make the decision for yourself.

You keep your feelings hidden because you don’t want to be a burden to anyone, while I keep my feelings under lock and key so they can never be examined. To pursue a path with single-minded focus means you can never waver or doubt, and I’ve been pursuing my goals since I was barely more than a child. Anyone who got in my way or made me question my decisions got left behind. The irony is that you never did any of those things. You eased my way rather than blocking it, and you followed my direction without question. You were everything I never allowed myself to want, but I made you leave because I couldn’t choose you over what I thought I’d always wanted. 

No, not because I couldn’t. Because I wouldn’t. Because I have never known anything other than this quest. Choosing you instead would have meant opening myself up to the possibility of failure, and I eliminate possibilities like that with ruthless efficiency. Which makes it ironic that I ended up failing anyway – not because of you, but because of my own limitations. I’ve never been good at accepting defeat, but I can see where all of this is leading. I did my best and it wasn’t enough. Better to end it myself before someone takes that choice away from me.

I miss you. I have no right, I know. But I ache for you and feel your absence like a missing limb. I have so many regrets about those last few weeks. If I had known you would leave, I would have swallowed my pride and spent as much time as I could in your presence while I still had the chance. Because when I’m with you I don’t think about all the things I haven’t accomplished. I don’t think about how I’ve been wronged or how I need to set things right. When I’m with you, I feel safe in a way I didn’t know I could ever feel. I wanted you to feel the same way about me, that you could lean on me when you needed to, that I could be worthy of the love you gave me so unconditionally. 

Then I ruined everything. I knew I could rely on you implicitly and that you would never hurt me. You’d let yourself get hurt long before you would let anything happen to me. Ultimately, that was the problem. You were so protective of me that you would even let me hurt you if you thought that was what I needed. I cruelly took advantage of that fact.

I’m glad you chose yourself in the end. You deserve so much more than you’ve ever allowed yourself to have. I hope you find happiness somewhere else – with someone who can be the person you need instead of someone who always needs you. 

Now I’ll be the one who’s longing for something I’ll never get. That’s the least I deserve after all the ways I used you. Perhaps we’ll meet again in another life and I’ll actually be what you need that time around. I hope so. I’d like to one day return the favor. 

Until then, be well. And don’t look back.