Again, awak-

This feeling, what is going on? I feel like my body is falling apart, and im on the floor?

Damn, my head hurts, I feel dizzy and I cant walk. It seems… this place is a wreck, clothes on the floor, everything is dirty, lights are off and, well that explains the feeling, bottles, pills. Shit, “I” surely had it tough here.

I cant really get up, so, I dont really know what to do, doesnt seem to have “My” phone around, maybe I can try and drink something? I need some time first, I feel all, sticky and, damn, I wonder what the hell happened, once in a while I wake up like this, but, this feels even worse than most, like a destroyed order, not someone who had a bad day before.

And being trapped with my head its surely something, I hate it, lets see if I can read what “I” took… Oh, lots of things, a damn lot, Depression meds, anxiety, and with alcohol, not a surprise I'm feeling like this. Damn I have to get up, cant stay like this.

First, I'll grab the couch, it will help, and-

Damn, I feel like puking, this is some horrible shit, but atleast I can go to the bath before I make this nasty place even nastier

The bathroom looks worse, things are on the floor, stains on the walls, the light is broken, and the smell is horrid, but, I dont have time to check all this.

I took my time cleaning whatever was inside me and drinking water, I feel somewhat  better, but still I had this horrible feeling, better see what happened before doing anything.

This clothes are all used, not cleaned, where is the damn phone? Do “I” even have one? Not here, not in the couch, not in “my” room, damn. Now what? Letters? Maybe that helps… lets see.

Payments…Not a very good economical situation…Phone service unsubsribed…letters from family, thats a good start, what more?...oh…this isn't good, at all…removal from house, rejected for the twenty-first time for a job, and, a letter from her.

I’ll start with family… lets see.

“Hello, how you been? We haven’t had any news about you since you tried getting in that uni with her. You didn’t lost your job because of that did you? Loves you, mom.”

Damn, she seems worried, but, what are those questions?

“Hello, how are you doing? Please answer, we cant reach to you trough your number, but they said the letters are being delivered, please, we are worried.”

And a please answer, followed by another, and another, this is… worring, this goes on for weeks, and… This is the last letter, seems, already been open?

“We are going to visit, we are worried, and already booked a flight there,  dont worry…” its ripped apart,”I” just put it with the rest of the letters, and the only one she opens, seems to not be good. For now I just hope they dont come  here today.

And now her letter, Lily please have something good.

“Hello … how are you? I just realiced you werent accepted? What happened? I been trying to call you, but seems like the “number doesnt exist” and all, I'm sorry for not contacting before, I’ve been with some things in my life. Anyways, please answer when you can. Your friend Lily.”

It seems, destined to someone she almost remembers, this hurts to read, and why the hell is my name scratched up?

At least she is in here too, but feels so awfuly diferent, well I mean, I dont think I'm the same here either, I would go crazy without the phone. And that without mentioning the clothes.

I think… I will just clean, its the least I can do for her.

…

…

…

There is a lot of old things, photos, bottles, what the hell happened? And also money, it seems like “I” has the means to pay “I” just… does not.

…

…

Letters from doctors, all with a scratched name, kitchen ware in the floors…

…

Food, or what was food I think, and… plans or more like an idea written in paper about an ITP, small, makes me remember the first one I did, but I alredy had ended college when I did it.

…

Letters, unreadable, all wet, or destroyed.

…

Some of the plates are destroyed, there is trash from at least two weeks ago, and, there is no light, at all, it's not just turned off, it seems like ¨I¨ didn't even pay.

…

Well, thats all I can do, lets see if ¨I¨ still has water, I need a shower, even if it's cold.

…

And she does, that's good, lets go in before i chicken out- DAMN its freezing, I will clean something in here while I can…

…

I hate cold showers, but the clothes are clean and so am I. Now I'm going to let this dry up, I think, I will buy “me” some time, pay up the bills, and all. Huh? What's this? A diary?

“I dont want to go out anymore… I rejected the entering to the uni, I dont want to go, not like this, and they keep rejecting my project in the UCQP, I dont think there is another chance, she doesnt see me, 'Im not me anymore… The ITP its my best chance and I cant even try and join the program, my family is comming, and I cant even stand up right.”

“I”, rejected it? Huh, thats different, and also the ITP, they wont accept something so… unfinished, more from someone that isn't even studing. What the hell is going on in “my” head?

Doesnt matter, I'm going to help I hope, I'll pay some things and come back…

…The day feels, quiet, the city outside the apartment is, beautiful, sunny day, at least I can apreciate it, I already payed the rent, I need to subscribe to the phone service again, and pay the rest, “I” will need a hot shower tomorrow probably.

I guess its weird, doing all of this, I feel like living my life, but not really, I'm not going to work, my body feels awfully sick, and I dont like being in a man's body, even if its “me”. I dont really know, I also made mistakes because I felt wrong, so maybe I can help “myself” here.

And at home again, now that I can clean with light let's do it, this place it's making me feel nauseous…

Damn, there are lots of clothes, skirts… Pants… some of them are torn? Better toss them…

The phone! I will keep it for now, it will take a few hours to have service again, but at least I can try and fix it.

To be fair, I felt like the last world I was at were, to rest, like a vacation, I really miss to have hobbies or do stuff at my own house, but the rest in there was pretty good too… Damn… I miss my world a lot, and this “me” wanted lo leave it, I guess you never really know 'till it's too late huh? Anyway, I still dont get why “I” wanted to leave, it doesn't seem to have bad oportunities, but, still seems like “I” felt way worse by the day. 

The phone, damn it's broken, what the hell did “I” do?. I hope to find out, the letters arent open, the ones that are have been turned into confetti, the diary seems to be just the same day by day, more like a “I did this today, it made me feel x thing” wich is good, but it doesnt really explain much… And im getting real tired, but I kinda wanna know what happened, is it morbid curiosity? Or do I really wanna help “myself”?

Well, I dont really care at this point, the phone seems to be working, the screen is still a mess, but at least I can look at it, and reacts to my touch… let's see… oh that's good, fingerprint… Well lets see… Damn… 124 missed calls… more than half are from mom… The messages…

“Are you Okay?” From Lily, seems like I received it just now, good timing from the service company…

“We are going…” Damn it's from mom, seems written before the letter, and… it's tomorrow… That… explains some things.

There are no more messages… Ed seems to not exist here, i mean, he was a great help during uni, but I dont think is the only thing that affects this “me”.

Lets see… Notes?

Ok here is something… more… 128 notes, from here to the previous year? Damn, this seems to be… a long problem.

“I finally can enter college, I feel kinda scared to be honest, at least with my projects they seemed to accept me in, but I still have to make an exam.” This feels normal, nothing really wrong.

“Lily is also going… I know I havent talked in a while, I dont… I dont think she remembers me, that could be good?” Good? What?

“I went first class today, Lily didnt see me, maybe… I can be me? Maybe she doesnt recognizes me?” This is weird.

“I cant with this, every day in there is hell, the faces of everyone, they already know me… I'm engraved in their memory as someone, I dont… I dont want them to remember me, not like this…”I think… I see whats going on.

“Liliy recognized me, even if I pass the test, I'm… not going, I can stand being this in the memories of others, but not her, this body, this face, this everything, this name, are a curse.”

“I broke the phone, I can barelly see the letters in the screen, I'm going to leave the phone service, I cant handle this, she tried to talk to me, but she… she doesn't know, I dont wan't that, please.”

And the last.

“I'm destoying this phone after this, I don't want them to remember me like this, I don't want them to be hurt, this phone is the last memory I can have, at least, here where I write I’ll be remembered as me, as Ellie.” Huh, I’ve been in a few of this worlds, I guess never in one before all of it. Im sorry Ellie, I'm sorry “me”, this seems, awfull, I cant really imagine to feel everyday in this world with a brain like mine. But, I'm sorry for not letting you take your own decisions, I'm going to have to… help you.

The phone is not “more” reparable, but is usable, I'm going to… Ok, message sent to her…

“Hey, Lily, sorry for not answering, I’ve been in a… complicated place, I wanted… I need to talk, but not today, can you call me tomorrow? And… call me Ellie, please. I’ll explain when I can, thank you.”

I hope she doesnt mind, now an email to the uni, I'm not letting “me” miss on a dream, but, I will probably leave ¨me¨ a message, I dont want “me” to get anxious.

And for the last, I dont want “me” to have to prepare for tomorrow, I might feel like sleeping in any moment, but I think, I will prepare some clothes for “me”, and some food for tomorrow. And… there is nothing, you are lucky Ellie, I'm going to have to leave again, and you know what? Buy you some things…

Clothes… done… Food… Done… Bath, a warm one… done… shaving… done… hair… done...Makeup…bought. Well, the rest is up to her or “me”, I dont know I have to get some rules done with that. Anyway, I'm going to write “me” a letter.

And… that's all? I… kinda want to know what happens, ha, I guess it's not what I have, well, I just hope Ellie has a good day, one that gives her the hope to follow this. I'm sorry anyway. But, im glad “I” get to get up in a bed, comfy, and not in the floor, again… Sleep thight… ellie.

…

…

…

And in the limbo again, in the darkness, I… feel weird… now that I think about all, what the hell was my world like? I think… I also had my problems… did I start to forget? I hope not…

…

…

…

What? Where… am I? I'm still… alive… in my bed? How? When… did I clean this place? And… a letter? I thought I put all those in the bin… wait… this is one isn't like the others…

“Hello, Ellie, I'm sorry, but I took your body for a day, I'm sorry for the decisions I took, but, you are going to a better place, I bought you clothes, and made the food for when mom and dad show up, and some makeup, invite Lily, she will help you, believe me. Also, continue with the Uni, it was the best decision I took, trust me. I hope everything goes right, and also, the ITP is good, continue on it, but be carefull, it's not as good as it sound to be in another world, and, I dont think you wanna steal someone elses life, even if it's you.”

Me? The ITP? It… exists… Wait, Lily? But… the phone? She repaired it?! And what? Femenine clothes? I'm… Wait there is a PD.

“PD. I know its hard, I think I had some worlds with… similar situations… but, I asked for help from the best person I could think of, also if you meet someone named Ed, talk to him, best friend I had, and seems to be everywhere I go, in a way or another.”

What does… this mean? Huh? My phone is ringing?

Hello? Ellie?

Lily?

Yes? Are you… okay?

Lily…

Ellie?? Are you okay, I hear you crying… Do you need me to go there?

I'm… im sorry Lily, its just, yeah, you can come over, I… have a lot of things to tell you also… I may need your help. and thanks.

For what?

For… answering the message…

I hope… whatever happens you are okay, I hope all of us, and them are.