Will you keep being around?

..

Pass

Come on, now. I want a proper reply from you.

I can’t give one.

Don't be like that. I'm asking you a very serious question. 

Please, just give me a straight answer

Will you continue to be around?

I can’t give you an answer

And I won’t.

You're really not making it easy for me are you?

I’m sorry

Oh no, now you're apologizing again

This just makes me feel even worse in a way.

Because I'm thinking that your apology is only out of pity or something.

It’s not

I’m truly sorry that you are with such a thing.

Then why are you so insistent with leaving?

If you know it's hurting me why not just stay?

I didn’t say I would leave

I didn’t say I will stay

 

I just can’t give an answer

 

Then give me your reason.

Why can't you give an answer?

Simply because I can’t.

Then why do I feel like you're being so mysterious about it? 

Why can't you just tell me a straightforward and blunt answer?

Do I seem like I know the answer??

The way you're acting definitely reeks of secrets. You won't give me an answer and you won't explain why you can't give one. You're being intentionally vague aren't you?

Hah.

Maybe.

But I can’t give you an answer because I don’t know

And I’m not sure myself

And I don’t wanna give you false hope or promises.

I just want to understand this clearly. 

You keep saying that you don't know, that you're unsure, that you can't say one way or the other. 

Yet when I ask you for the reason why you can't give a clear answer, all you can say is that you just can't.

Please, try to see it from my perspective. 

How is this not suspicious?

Because it is.

You have to be.

And I am. I just don't understand why you're being so reserved about this for some odd reason. 

Do you not trust me?

I don’t trust myself.

Well, it's pretty damn clear that you don't at the very least. 

So, now that all that's clear... what now?

It’s all up to you

To an extent yes. But right now I just wanna know whether you're gonna leave or stay. 

I just want to know because that's the only thing right now that is bothering me the most.

I told you

I can’t give you a proper answer

Then give me an improper one.

No

You're making me go through the five stages of grief now. I'm starting with denial at the moment.

Sorry but I laughed...

Of course you did.

I'm just gonna skip right ahead to the last stage now and accept that. you're probably just gonna leave. 

The mystery factor was fun while it lasted, but I can't deal with your evasiveness anymore. 

It's just frustrating me more than anything.

I’m laughing so hard please

You're literally finding pleasure in my suffering.

As I erupted into fits of laughter, I hastily dialed him with a video call, barely able to contain my mirth. His dramatic responses always had that effect on me, sending me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. Despite my amusement, I knew I had to talk to him, even if it meant suppressing my giggles for a moment. He reluctantly accepted the call, his expression twisted into a frown, tears glistening in his eyes – tears that mirrored my own, though mine were from laughter rather than any emotional turmoil.

"Heeeyyy, why can't you just ignore me!" I managed to choke out between giggles.

Souta was caught between laughter and tears, his emotions swirling in a chaotic whirlwind. The situation defied explanation, its complexity only adding to the absurdity.

"Why are you doing this? I'm being completely serious right now. And you're laughing your ass off!" he cried out, his voice a mixture of frustration and amusement.

Attempting to regain control of my laughter, I wiped away the tears that had pooled beneath my glasses.

"I'm sorry, alright? I was teetering on the edge too, but you just pushed me over with your rendition of the stages of grief. Oh, God!" I managed to say through gasps of laughter.

He wiped away his own tears, still visibly trying to make sense of the emotional rollercoaster we were on. "Fine. It was... kind of funny, in a twisted sort of way. But I'm still mad at you."

"I'm sorry you have to deal with someone as crazy as me," I replied, my laughter subsiding but still lingering in the corners of my expression.

"Crazy doesn't even begin to describe you. You're out of this world, and not in a quirky or funny way," he said, his voice tinged with both amusement and exasperation. "You're just... a mess."

I couldn't help but grin smugly, feeling a rush of satisfaction. "Thank you, I guess?" My smirk widened, reveling in my chaotic nature.

Souta was both smiling and trying not to smile. “You're literally a lunatic. But I can't deny that I enjoy your company”

Following a moment of silence, I took a deep breath.

“Well, let me get serious for a moment.”

My expression shifted abruptly, my face turning solemn as I locked eyes with him, “I understand why you're seeking assurance, but I'm hesitant to make any promises. Please, don't look to find a clear answer on this.” a slight swallow betraying the weight of my words.

“It's a lot, and I acknowledge my selfishness in this, but I genuinely believe it would hurt more if I provided an answer I'm not certain of or can't trust within myself.”

“...”

Souta was completely quiet, he seemed to have his heart pounding like crazy. He was staring at me and listening to every word I was saying, taking it all in. There's no doubt in his mind that I was being completely honest and vulnerable with him right now. 

“I wouldn't dare ask you to stay with me,” my voice sank to a low tone, with a sorrowful glare to the ground. “This unsettling, selfish relationship is too much for anyone to bear. 

I'm acutely aware of the pain it inflicts.

Yet, that's how much of a mess I could be. I could vanish, an act of cowardice that would hurt you more than doing any good. I've done it before, but I'm too selfish to not be here, too selfish to not get to know you.”

I stayed silent wanting him to truly understand what I said.

Despite the awareness that my words would likely trigger him, an irrepressible urge gripped me to lay bare the extent of my cruelty. I understood that in uttering these words, I was unraveling emotions deeply entombed within him—emotions he had fervently attempted to forget. Yet, I yearned for him to comprehend the formidable consequences, to grasp the persistent selfishness that refused to release its grip on him, and there would be a relentless cycle of breaking him repeatedly through this unsettled relationship, forcing us to confront these feelings again and again.

 Souta began to tremble, his attempts to hold back tears futile as they streamed down his cheeks, unchecked. It was as though a dam had burst, releasing all the suppressed emotions he had kept bottled up for so long. His gaze bore into me, wordless but filled with a pain so palpable it was almost tangible. He remained silent, his lips pressed tightly together as if trying to contain the turmoil raging within him. But his eyes betrayed the storm of emotions swirling beneath the surface. In that moment, I realized the depth of the impact my words had on him, stirring up memories and emotions he had long sought to bury, a glimpse into the depths of his soul that he had guarded so fiercely until now.

A few moments before I shattered it with a frustrated outburst.

“Aghhhhh.” 

My hands instinctively covered my face.

“You make me weak to those eyes.” I mumbled, still concealing my face.“No, I won't resort to false promises just for the sake of reassuring you. No.” 

However, I removed my hands from my face, revealing a conflicted expression. 

“You need to know that the Ano here in this moment is genuinely selfish. He craves to linger around you for so long that you reach the point of being weary of his presence, yet find it impossible to escape.”

His mouth continued to move, but no words emerged. He simply gazed at me, caught between shock and awe at the unfiltered honesty pouring forth from my lips. It felt as though I was revealing a hidden side of myself, baring my soul without reservation. 

“Alright.” I said, drawing in a deep breath before releasing it in a heavy sigh. “I think that's enough for today before I say something I shouldn't. Whether you want to keep the call or end it, it's entirely up to you.”

As I awaited his response, he slowly wiped away his tears, his silence stretching out between us like an unspoken question. Minutes passed as an eternity, until finally, he broke the quietude, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Can you stay on a little longer...?”

“Are you sure?

I can’t filter my words anymore cuz there’s no brain cells left a quiet chuckle left my mouth”

“Please... I still have stuff I have to say...”

“Hmmm.. Alright.”

I adjusted my phone on the bed then lied down

He leand into the phone too, his expression became more sincere, he starts speaking slowly and thoughtfully.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, but I told you I really have no brain cells now.

I could utter something by any word.” 

He chuckled a bit too, a wry amusement dancing in his eyes. “That was pretty much expected. Alright, the question is this, and I want a very straightforward answer.”

He paused, collecting his words before continuing. “Will you really leave? Would you actually just vanish and disappear like you said you would? Just like that, suddenly, no warning no nothing?” 

“I told you I don’t know myself. But if it will happen it will be the same scenario you said.”

He bited his lip in anguish as the thought crosses his mind.

“And when you vanish, without warning... will you come back? Or is it a permanent goodbye?”

“I don’t know about that either.

If I were selfish enough I will come back.”

“Will I at least get a goodbye?”

“I don't think so,” I reflected, “because goodbyes are meant for those destined to part ways, with the certainty of never crossing paths again.”

His voice, and face were all telling he was on the verge of tears again. 

“You're really killing me with these responses, you know that?”

“You asked, I answered..”

He was shaking his head in disbelief for a moment. “Why are you so nonchalant about all of this? You're the first person I've met who can just talk about the possibility of abandoning me so calmly.”

“That’s the least I could do to protect or warn you.” I said with no tone

“I told you I can’t filter anything right now cuz I got no brain.”

His mood immediately droped and he growed more and more anxious.

“Don't talk about this like you're doing me some sort of favor. Just listen to what you're saying! You're talking like you're already set on leaving, like it's a sure thing and that it's completely unavoidable no matter what I do! And it really just makes me feel a million times worse about all of this, you get that right?” 

“But I didn’t say I would certainly leave.”

I said a single sentence with no emotion and straight face

I saw him getting more and more agitated and his voice were beginning to crack.  

“Stop dancing around the topic and answer me straight! You're making it sound like you've already thought this through a million times! And you're not even trying to deny it.”

“Should I lie though?”

“Just. Answer. The question.”

“What question?”

He was almost wanting to hit something at his frustration, but he was holding back his anger and keep his voice steady.

“Why? Why would you even consider leaving? What is your reason for leaving? What is so bad right now that the first thing that comes to your mind is to abandon me?”

“Basically, either to protect you, or I’m a coward. Both answers are valid.”

 His rage was mounting, 

“Protect me? Seriously?” He was so furious, that it's like all the emotions he've been holding back are suddenly being unleashed all at once.

I remained silent for a moment, my gaze fixed on the ground, deliberately avoiding his eyes.

“I know, it sounds stupid,” I uttered with a blank expression, my voice devoid of emotion.

Words, sharp as shards of glass, cutting through the air with vicious intent. He didn't care anymore. All he wanted was to unleash the full force of his wrath upon me.

“It doesn't sound stupid; it actually is stupid! You're literally implying that you know what's best for me and that you're doing this for my sake! Do you really think I'm that dense or immature that I need somebody to make decisions for me? Just who do you think you are?!”