But more than that, I couldn’t comprehend what being a father must be like. To be holding a tiny human being, knowing you’re responsible for one at such a young age… then getting shipped off to Afghanistan and seeing things you could never truly explain to anyone, except the guys who lived it alongside you. No wonder Gideon isn’t “fine”, cause I sure as shit wouldn’t be.
Truly, they were like two planets doing their best to never be caught within the same orbit; the only thing that tethered them together at this point was the house they shared. Whenever Gideon tried to enter Drew’s orbit, Drew drifted further away, putting up more walls.
Watching them fail to interact was painful, and for some reason it made my heart ache. I couldn’t explain it—some might say I shouldn’t care so much or meddle in their relationship. Shit, everyone would say I’m an asshole for having fooled around with both men, but it still didn’t change how I felt. That for some reason, I’m the only person in this home to see things for what they really are, to see through both of their bullshit, and long for there to be resolution between father and son.
Call me crazy, but if it isn’t me, then who else is left to help them un-fuck this? I know it’s bad. I know I’m bad… that it’s cruel, selfish, and idiotic to be sleeping with my best friend’s dad. Yeah, I’ll admit that Gideon and I, we’ve been wholly unsuccessful in being ‘good’. In fact we’ve been totally terrible at keeping our hands off each other since that fateful Saturday. We’ve been so, so bad. So, it leaves me asking “how”? How can I be so bad, but want something good for them?
Nothing about me makes sense; now more than ever do I struggle to understand myself, and I know fucking around with Gideon also makes me a shit friend, in every sense of the word… but still, I can’t stop myself either, and neither can Gideon.
“…ya know,” Drew paused, rocking a bit in his chair. “Ya never did tell me what went down.”
Talk about a statement slicing clean through my guilt-ridden consciousness like a hot knife. Fuck me.
I shifted, stuffing the pillow under my chest and eyed him. “What do you mean?”
Drew raised an expectant brow as he tapped at the controls, switching over to Baldur’s Gate III. “You always do a hookup download. Ya know, word-vomiting a vivid description of how your hookup went? Couple that with your appearance–the obvious bruising on your face, the cuts, the redness around your neck where someone clearly choked your ass out.. what the fuck did you get yourself into?”
“Drew,” I rolled my eyes around. “It’s nothing like–”
“Doesn’t look like nothin’.” His voice came lower, more frustrated this time. Impatience. “I’ve been fucking worried about you, been waitin’ for you to tell me what happened all week, but you’ve said nothing. So, out with it.”
I’m a terrible person–the worst. Drew’s been all concerned about me, and the reality is he probably should be. I mean, I let his dad rail me, and then fucked the man’s mouth, that’s insane. Gideon and I both know how wrong we are; maybe the guilt will eat us alive before we spiral any further.
I cleared my throat and eyed the door for a moment—to confirm it was, indeed, shut.
“… let’s just say my hookup was a total freak, but it’s totally ok, cause I had like, the best night of my life?”
Drew frowned openly. “… ‘best night’, huh, sure that’s not an overstatement?”
Tell me why you sound Jealous now? Fuck.
“You know me, I’m painfully honest about how good or bad a hookup went... but this one was amazing. He was shy at first, needed some encouragement to go there, ya know, get that freaky with me, but once he did the whole session was amazing. He did everything I asked, fucked me till I couldn’t see straight, made me bleed, made me black out, roughed me up to perfection.” I hummed thoughtfully, gazed out the window as more forbidden memories took over. My dick began to act up again when I recalled how hard that old man fucked me. God, yes.
“... believe me,” I added softly. “I asked for every bit of it, everything was consensual.”
Drew’s jaw tightened noticeably. His eyes looked a bit angry, hungry, but his body-language implied a certain level of restraint, and confusion.
“… I mean, but still, that’s so risky, Mar.” his eyes wandered around the room, but didn’t meet mine. “What if he wasn’t a ‘good’ guy? What if he had taken advantage? I can’t see you like that again.”
I chewed on my lower lip, heart dropping into my stomach. I felt a bit sick. I don’t like being reminded. “... can we please not talk about that? He didn’t rape me, Drew. We did some C.N.C shit, a little primal play, so sue me.”
Drew looked away and let out a heavy exhale–the mood in the room now heavy as my heart. He meant well, but did he really have to bring that up? I hate discussing it.
“... if you say so.”
“I do.”
Silence gripped us after that, and I hated it. Neither of us knew what to say, and I felt bad for being short with Drew, especially when he was just doing what friends do–ask questions, express concern, make sure you’re fine.
“Next time um,” Drew’s voice sounded smaller than I thought I’d ever heard it. “Just ask me. If you really need to do crazy shit like that, it’s better to do it with someone you know and trust. I’d rather it be me than some rando off Grindr.”
I fought hard to keep the shock off my face, the shame more than anything. Why’s he gotta say that now, huh? Now that I’m having a full-on secret affair with his dad? I hate myself.
“Sweet of you to offer,” I exhaled, fidgeting with the black scrunchie on my wrist. “But this stuff, it's really freaky, Drew. Not your thing, babe. Last thing I wanna do is make you super uncomfortable.”
He scoffed under his breath, “and how would you know that it’s ‘not my thing’?”
“… Drew,” I paused to think as I tied my hair half-up. “We basically faked a rape scene, I know that’s not your thing. That’s okay, though. You don’t gotta be into that stuff just cause I am.”
Drew cleared his throat, shifted in his seat uncomfortably before he finally made eye contact with me. “Who says I couldn’t learn to like it?”
What the fuck is happening? Gotta find a way to end this conversation, fast.
“... I mean, I’m not saying you couldn’t, I just wouldn’t have thought to ask you.” I mumbled.
“Right, so, then next time you feel the urge to do some crazy shit, ask me.” Drew’s mocha-brown eyes carried a sense of conviction that time, and it cleaved my heart in two. He would hate me if he knew. He’d hate me. Forever.
He spun around in his gaming chair, eyed me on and off as the chair made its rotations… waited on an answer I didn’t have.
“Look, I’m sorry for bringing up the whole, you know… I just worry sometimes, Grindr is like a serial killer’s best friend, if you ask me. Sometimes I think you’re gonna go out and hookup with someone, something bad will happen and you’ll never come back. Shit scares me.”
As if my conscience couldn’t take anymore hits, Drew fires another without even knowing it. Of course you worry, friend, because you’re good.
“... all of that’s valid, I’ll give ya that.” I sighed. “But like, I swear that he’s not like that, I’m safe with him.”
Drew tapped his fingertips anxiously. “So he fucks you once and he’s trustworthy? Come on–”
“We’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now.” I interrupted, trying to ignore the shame swallowing me whole. “He’s a good guy, really. It’s not like the sex is crazy every time, anyway… sometimes it’s just blowjobs and handies, or just a quick fuck and then dinner. We’re not freaks twenty-four-seven.”
My best friend grew quiet, averted his gaze back to the television, fiddled with the controller in his hand. “… hooking up regularly?”
“I guess.”
Drew sighed, stared at the T.V. “Gotcha. Do I know him um, or something?”
This is so, so bad.
I yawned, took a moment to choose my words carefully. “No, he’s super introverted… a bit older than us.” Technically I’m not lying, he doesn’t know Gideon, they’re not friends. Drew won’t talk to his father, so I’m being honest about that, at least.
“Older?”
What’s with all the questions! And anyway, what about Rayleigh? Why’s he all silent about her? Thought they were a ‘thing’, but he hasn’t mentioned her once the whole afternoon either.
“Yeah, like, daddy age.”
Drew pursed his lips as he switched his Paladin’s armor. I could tell he didn’t like it, even if he was trying to play it cool—but honestly–like his father, Drew was kind of an easy read. Neither would be great at poker.
“Daddy age?”
I gave him a look and chuckled. “You know exactly what that means, I’ve trained you better than that, Drew. Look, I like a tired daddy, okay? Anyway, it’s nothing crazy, like, a few years shy of forty—it’s hot. He’s hot. Sue me.”
Drew shot me little looks here and there out of the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t say anything, cause he knew I was right. He’s always known I liked older guys. But the silence remained, during which he continued playing dress-up with his Paladin, and other members of his party.
“Put Astarion in lingerie again,” I suggested. “With the stuff you got from that shop.”
His shoulders relaxed some, Drew’s lips curled up into a soft smirk. “Say ‘please’.”
There’s a good boy, Drew, cheer up.
“Please, dress Astarion as sexy as possible… no, actually, make the whole group look like they’re going to a sex party! Pretty, pretty please? It’d make me happy…” I made a point of looking extra pouty. He likes it when I do that, when I pout and beg.
Drew shook his head and rubbed at the back of his neck; he was blushing a little. “Yeah, I’ll stick everyone in lingerie. You’re welcome.”
Cutie-pie. I wonder so often if Gideon was anything like Drew at our age…
“So, you gonna tell me what’s up with Rayleigh and you?”
I rose from the bed and wandered over to the beanbag, feeling sick to my stomach with shame as I fell into the squishy softness. At least my boner’s gone now.
He shrugged. “Eh.”
The rain continued to assault the windowpane, the sound of it hitting the roof filling in the silence settling between us completely. I heaved a sigh, fidgeted with my zipper for a bit before jabbing my index finger into Drew’s ticklish ribs.
“Don’t start with me,” he smirked, jerking away from the invasion in his space. The controller click-click-clicked away despite me.
I jabbed him again. He squirmed and put his hand on my head to hold me back. Long-armed bastard.
He laughed. “Dude, what?”
“You didn’t answer my question about Rayleigh.” I ducked away and took hold of his wrist, examined his insanely short nails. “… also, I told you to stop biting at your fingernails.”
Drew drug his hand away and cleared his throat. “I don’t know.”
You’re killing me, Drew.
“’Don’t know’, what?” I gave him a tired look.
He shrugged again. “I mean I don’t know. She’s hot, the sex is great, but she wants to date now, even though she told me she wanted no-strings-attached a month ago.”
“Ah.”
He heaved a sigh, “yeah.”
Things fell silent again after that, and I took it as a sign Drew didn’t really wanna talk about it anymore, at least about Rayleigh, and I hoped he’d get the hint that I didn’t wanna talk about my mystery-daddy either. Guess I’ll check my texts in the meantime, Gideon sent me something earlier, but I’ve tried to be good and not text him around Drew.
“… question,” he grumbled.
I quirked a brow, glanced up from my phone. Who am I kidding, my self-control is a joke, and I’m mid-response to daddy right now.
“Answer,” I locked my phone and tucked it in between my legs.
“Does Gideon seem weird to you lately?”
… what.
I shifted in my seat and swallowed hard, trying not to look put off by this sudden shift in topic. “How you mean?”
Drew stretched his neck to the right, paused Baldur’s. “Come on, you’ve seen his face. Old man looks like he got a beating.”
Fuckity-fuckity-fuck me. I’ve been waiting for him to bring that up, I just never quite settled on what exactly I’d say about it when he did.
A chuckle emanated from my mouth. “Obviously, hard to miss. Dude rarely leaves the house, so yeah, I noticed.”
“Well, it just threw me off a lot,” he continued thoughtfully. “He’s like, always so boring… how’s a loner homebody like him out here ending up with stitches and a black eye?”
“A bar fight,” I shrugged.
Drew spun his chair to face me and frowned. “As if, he never leaves. Dude just drinks on his own.”
“No,” I smirked, “like, he really was in a fight.”
My best friend just stared at me then, for a solid ten seconds, at least. It was like Drew.exe was still trying to process this new piece of information, and he looked stunned. “What do you mean by a ‘fight’? How would you know?”
“Drew,” I deadpanned him. “I literally just asked, like a normal person? ‘Hey Gideon, what happened to your face? You look fucked up!’” I acted out robotically, then lowered my voice to mimic Gid next. “’Oh, I made a stupid decision and decided to go out for a drink last Saturday, Marcus. I got into a fight, but I’m kind of a hard-ass so I stitched my eyebrow up myself. Now I’m taking lots of Motrin, thanks for asking!’”
Drew rolled his eyes. “Oh, fuck off…”
I laughed. “Come on! I literally just asked, he answered… the man isn’t a mute, he does respond if you ask him a question, ya know.”
Drew chewed on his lower lip, looking away defensively. “… I know he isn’t mute.”
“Then just ask him,” my voice came out somewhat tired, exasperated even. More than I intended to. “Look, I’m not trying to be a dick, dude, but like… you’re either bitching about your dad or ignoring him, it’s only ever one or the other. But then he shows up hurt, and you’re annoyed he didn’t tell you why, but at the same time, you never asked? Make up your mind. You basically send him signals twenty-four-seven that you don’t give a fuck about his existence, so why would he say anything about it unless you prompted him to?”
“… since when do you give a fuck?”
“Me, what about you?” I scoffed.
Drew’s features twisted into a scowl; he glared at the television and clicked more aggressively on the controller. Checkmate. I crossed my legs and shook my head, rolled my eyes openly before going back to my texts. My best friend might be able to get away with that kinda talk with his other friends, but not me. We both know he’s part of the problem, but he won’t admit it.
My pulse quickened as I made my mental escape into our text thread. Can’t believe I’m doing this right now, it’s so fucked up, but it’s so hot… he’s so hot.
Gideon, to be fair, didn’t say much, but all the same, I found myself hanging on every word. I squished myself further into the beanbag and brought my phone closer to my face, so as not to risk Drew catching sight of my texts. My eyes raced back and forth as I re-read his last message.
G: how was your day pretty boy
Yes Daddy, call me ‘pretty boy’ again. I dare you, might nut in my pants.
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