“... I” 

His words hit me like a sudden wave, stealing my words and leaving me in a heavy silence. I couldn't deny it – I had painted a picture of knowing what was best for him, guided solely by my own perspectives and logic. It wasn't about control; I simply didn't want him to endure more pain from my actions. I was selfish in my reluctance to hurt him further, selfish in not wanting him to grow attached to me. I felt unworthy, yet my lingering presence revealed a different truth – a lingering, selfish attachment that persisted until now.

“And what about you? Don't you hurt yourself through all this? Don't you find yourself constantly plagued by guilt and self-hatred? Don't you think your constant self-doubt is a sort of emotional torment that can damage you mentally in the long run? Why don't you ever think about how much pain and misery you inflict on yourself?!”

I don’t say anything, knowing that my real answer would only be more cruel.

“That's exactly it, isn't it?” His voice becomes shakier. 

“You're punishing yourself. And through this self-punishment, you're also punishing me, because you won't be honest with me. You don't even trust me enough to express your true feelings and let me help you through this.”

“No—"

I lifted my head in a quick retort.

His words hit me once more, leaving me struggling to find my voice, only to falter and fall silent.

“It's not that I don't trust you...” 

My voice trembled, as my expression darkened.

“Nor do I perceive you as weak... No...

it’s rather the opposite...”

I struggle to get the words out, as the pain keeps intensifying.

I remained silent, my words swallowed by the tumult of my thoughts.

In that moment, I couldn't help but confront the chaotic mess within me. What had seemed like a well-constructed and logical viewpoint in my mind now felt disjointed and incongruous when I attempted to articulate it. My thoughts were tangled in contradiction, and I realized that to others, my perspective may not appear logical at all.

In the midst of our shared silence, a palpable tension hung heavy in the air, wrapping around us like a suffocating shroud. Emotions surged through me, a turbulent torrent coursing through my mind. My throat felt parched, a sensation akin to the urge to vomit clawing at me. I struggled to pinpoint the exact trigger of my turmoil, but one thing was clear—I was gripped by fear. Fear that my decision to leave was not a safeguard for Souta, but rather merely an act of selfishness. It became painfully clear that we were both drowning in the depths of our own suffering. The weight of our self-hatred bore down upon us, crushing us beneath its relentless pressure.  

I squeezed my eyes shut, overwhelmed by the weight of these thoughts.

I drew in a deep breath, exhaling slowly before opening my eyes once more.

“Well... I see where you're coming from. Perhaps I do understand more now,”

I began, my voice tinged with uncertainty.

“But I can't guarantee yet that I won't break you again with my selfish acts. I had a history of breaking people down with my own flawed logic and reasoning, but often fail to comprehend the full extent of the damage. And perhaps I never will.

That's why I don't want you near me,” I admitted, my tone heavy with resignation. “Because I'm capable of madness and cruelty, all under the guise of claiming it's for your benefit, when in reality, I'm only serving my own needs.

I've always been this way, and I always will be,” My voice weighed down by the burden of self

“Trapped in my own mind, unable to see beyond my own perspective or empathize with others. Born selfish, destined to remain so. And most of the time, I don't even see myself as wrong, not even when my actions cause harm to others in service of my own judgments.”

Do you understand what I'm trying to convey? What I'm attempting to prevent you from?

You see it now, don't you? I still don't feel a significant amount of guilt for hurting you nor trying to decide for you.

I can't understand why you fail to realize the extent of my potential madness.”

I sighed once more, feeling the weight of exhaustion settle deep within me. How could I possibly find the words to persuade him, to make him understand the extent of my contamination, like a pervasive darkness creeping in and enveloping everything in its path?

“Should we just... end this call for now?” I suggested in a weary tone “I don’t know if I will be able to not say something more tainting.”

He took a deep breath, wanting this moment to not end quite yet. “One more question before we end the call, okay?”

I stayed silent

“...Sure”

A hint of desperation begins to seep into his voice, as he struggled to push down all the thoughts and questions he had.

“After this call ends, will you text me? Will you text me tomorrow or the next day? Do you plan on completely ignoring me after this?”

I sigh

“Why do you ask a question that I already tried to get you understand...?”

his tone becomes a little aggressive. “I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO IGNORE ME FOR LONG WEEKS OR MAYBE EVEN MONTHS, YOU IDIOT!”

“I. don’t. Fucking. Know.”

The anger in his tone is now at its absolute peak and he looked so furious he could punch a wall right now. “THEN MAKE IT CLEAR! ARE YOU GOING TO BLOCK ME AND THROW ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE OR NOT? IS THAT SO HARD TO ANSWER?”

“So you want that huh. You don’t get it why I said what I said before HUH?”

My tone gets higher and higher

“YEAH FUCK THEN.”

I snatched the phone and ended the call with a sharp jab of my finger. 

****

In the days that followed, each moment felt like a skirmish between two conflicting impulses warring within me.

Part of me yearned to keep him at arm's length, to prevent him from becoming entangled in the web of my existence, knowing that I was someone who could vanish at any given moment. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't bear the thought of him losing his sanctuary, the one place where he felt safe and secure.

I didn’t want to let him become dependent on me, fearing the mental havoc I could wreak upon him. And yet, amidst these reservations, I found myself longing for our everyday interactions, missing the solace of the space where I could freely pour out my innermost thoughts.

End of Call of Laughter