☾ Meraki Essence of oneself, left behind in something else

Augustus was a good person. He didn’t deserve all that he had been through. And now, because of his escape, not only was Emperor Bianor looking for him, but he could barely even walk. But he trusted me. He almost seemed fond of me.

He and Stefan were right: I did have a strategic mind. I had never really noticed it before, probably because I never really got any chances to put it to work. Because I had spent 19, almost 20, years being told, outright or not, that I was a useless monster.

The next time I saw Augustus was in the infirmary a day or two later, with a veil wrapped around his head and face and the hood of his cloak over his curls. Waylon tended to his healing wrists and the bruises on his feet. Even through the veil, the smile shone in his eyes when he saw me and waved. I waved back, smiling, before checking on Marek and giving him yet another paper animal I had folded; the side table was filled with them at this point. He was asleep at the time, but had improved greatly, and was no longer so cold or exhausted.

“How are your feet?” I asked Augustus.

“Still sore,” he muttered through the veil.

“The bruises aren’t fading as quickly as they should be,” Waylon curtly said, wrapping fresh bandages around the redhead’s feet and ankles. “I’d recommend walking as little as possible, if you weren’t already doing that,” they glanced at Augustus, who shied into Cornelius’s cloak. He sighed, finishing up the bandages, “I’ll pay visits to your room from now on, especially now that Marek is well enough to be left alone; let’s try to keep you off your feet.”

“Thank you,” Augustus whispered.

Waylon curtly nodded, grey eyes avoiding his face. “Keep resting and eating proper meals.”

Cornelius gently helped Augustus up off the cot.

Waylon looked up at me, almost looking annoyed, “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“O-oh, no, no, I’m fine,” I said. “Just visiting Marek.”

They raised a brow, “Another paper animal?”

I shyly looked away, “...Yeah.”

Augustus waved goodbye to me as Cornelius took him out of the infirmary. I was going to follow when Waylon pulled me back.

“...What’d I do now?” I wearily said.

“You still blame yourself, don’t you?” Waylon gently said.

I tensed. “I-I‒” I sighed, “Of course I still blame myself, Waylon. It is my fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“How is it not?” I scoffed.

“You weren’t in control, and I know for a fact that we’ve talked about this. You don’t even remember doing it.”

“I still‒” I choked, blinking back tears and looking away. “I still did it.”

“And he has forgiven you,” Waylon said simply. I said nothing. They added, “You have nothing else to keep your mind occupied, so it wavers to guilt and self-loathing.” I let out a tense, annoyed breath. “You need something to keep that mind of yours occupied. And it doesn’t have to be anything ‘useful’.” They turned to straighten the bed where Augustus had sat. “I know you’re not very good at it, but reading can help. Or art; that doesn’t even take any skill, you just put the charcoal against the paper.” They looked at me curiously, “The legends say that dragons like collecting things.”

I had to chuckle, “I already have my princess.”

“Yes, and the knights trying to ‘save’ him,” Waylon chuckled, rolling their dark silver eyes. “But what of the gems and jewels?”

I stayed quiet for a moment. I didn’t know if I had ever felt the need to collect precious things; perhaps because I had simply never seen precious things. Aside from my beloved.

I softly asked, “When will Ethyn get the splint removed?”

A smirk pulled at Waylon’s face. “Worried about your princess?”

I shrugged, almost amused, “I am a dragon.”

They chuckled, “I’ll come by your room tomorrow to check on him.” They looked at me, eyes sparkling with amusement. “Go tend to your princess, make sure the knights haven’t stolen him away. And do think about starting a proper draconic hoard; you need something to keep you occupied.”

“...I’ll think about it. Thanks.”

As I went to leave, I caught a glance of the collection of paper animals on Marek’s bedside table. I felt bad for making them, since paper was in short supply around here, but I also greatly enjoyed them. I enjoyed making things. I enjoyed looking at the land from above and then drawing it.

I quickly made my way back to my bedroom. Ethyn was, as usual, working on translating messages, especially now that we were planning on kidnapping Emperor Bianor’s step-son. I took an atlas of Esan from right under his feet.

“Uh, pardon? Elkan?”

I paid no mind to his confusion aside from pecking his cheek. I sat in my nest and opened the atlas, beginning to read. I wasn’t very good at reading, but the best thing about atlases was that they had more pictures than sentences.

“Elkan?” Ethyn teased in a singing voice, crouching by my nest.

“Stefan and Waylon are right,” I told him. “I have a brilliant mind and I’m just not using it. And, since I’m not using it, I get stuck on all the bad things that happen, which just makes me feel worse and worse. And I don’t like that. And, as much as I love you, I don’t wanna hang my happiness on one person.”

Ethyn smiled, “Finally taking the initiative, huh? So what’s with the atlas?”

I shrugged, suddenly shy. “I-I know I can’t read well, but Stefan was right about me possibly being a cartographer. I dismissed it ‘cause there’s already plenty of maps of Esan but…. There’s not that many maps of the Wild Lands.” I flipped to a page in the atlas that depicted the Dragon Crest Mountains.

Ethyn’s smile grew, “Do you think you wanna try mapping it?”

I bit my lip, “I don’t know. I think, right now, I just wanna get better at reading. And, if I really am going to go down the cartographer route, an atlas is a good place to start.”

Ethyn leaned over to kiss my forehead, then returned to his desk.

I ran my hand down the drawing of the Dragon Crest Mountains. They weren’t very detailed. The snow and winds were harsh, especially in the winter, so I’d have to wait until summer if I wanted to map out the mountains. We already had a rough map of the Wild Lands thanks to me, but only of the coastline and larger rivers and lakes.

I reluctantly crawled back to Ethyn’s desk, rummaging around through the multitude of atlases and papers until I found an old map that included all the locations of since-closed mines. We lived in one of them, one of the largest cave systems we had found, a mixture of natural caves and miner tunnels, but there were others throughout the mountains. Maybe we could do something with one of the other mines; it’d keep us close to Ussuni lands while still being protected, and literally having the high ground.

“I’ll be right back,” I gathered up the maps, standing up and kissing Ethyn’s head before rushing out of the room.

I found Stefan alone in the meeting room, looking over translated messages from our spies in the capital, table decorated with a map of the Ussuni Empire. A route was mapped out; the route Augustus had likely taken to get here.

“Ah, Elkan,” Stefan blinked, coming to his senses to speak to me.

“I have an idea,” I dumped the maps onto the table, much to Stefan’s surprise. “I was looking at some atlases, and realized that there’s a ton of old abandoned mines just like this one in the Dragon Crest Mountains. Specifically, this one right here,” I pointed to one old mine, right on the edge of the main pass we used to travel between the two territories.

“I think I see what you’re getting at,” a smile made its way onto Stefan’s face.

“When we take the prince, we take him to this mine,” I still explained, if only to prove to myself that I did indeed have a strategic mind. “It should be deep enough to shelter you from the winds, and remote enough that we’ll be left alone, but also close enough to the Ussuni lands to return him quickly.”

Stefan nodded, making a note of the mine’s location on the larger map on the table. He looked at me, “Elkan, are you sure you’re okay with transporting Cornelius and I? With flying, I mean.”

I took a breath, half-expecting this question. “Yes. I have to be. I have control when I transform willingly, and it’s safer and easier for all of us if I just fly you to the border. Just be sure that the prince is knocked out. And… are you sure that we’re right in taking this risk?”

Stefan sharply inhaled, telling me all I needed to know. After a moment, he nodded and echoed me. “I have to be. The worst possible outcome is that the prince tells his step-father that rebels questioned him about a red-haired slave that escaped. The emperor will realize that Augustus is with us, but there’s not much he can do about it, especially with the winter storms blocking most of the mountains. And, I really don’t feel comfortable pushing Augustus for answers.”

I nodded in agreement, “His feet are still bruised really bad; I just saw him and Cornelius in the infirmary. He took my advice though; he’s wearing a veil to hide his face, so he can look at people properly.”

Stefan smiled, “I hear you and him had a little chat a few days ago. And I suppose it was helpful for both of you?”

I carefully nodded, “...He needed to hear that he wasn’t a beast. From someone who understands.” I took a breath, looking away from his proud expression, “So, when can I expect us to do this?”

“I need to go over some details with Wren, but within the week,” Stefan replied.

“Good.” I curtly nodded. I gathered up my maps and went to leave.

“Elkan.”

I turned back.

“I’m proud of you.”