Back on the road again, Runklebean had the look of a man trying to make progress before the universe found another way to punish him.

"So what's the target this time?" Lucian asked, polishing his sword with a piece of royal monogrammed silk as they walked.

Runklebean pointed at the large, moss-covered bridge ahead of them. It arched gracefully over a canyon carved from time and questionable cartography, with mist swirling beneath like an ominous bubble bath.

"This bridge," Runklebean said, "is alive."

"Alive like 'so beautiful it could influence your dreams,' or alive like 'screams if you step on the wrong plank of wood?'" Nedrick asked flatly.

"Yes."

They approached cautiously. The bridge was wide, covered in faintly glowing sigils, and made faint groaning sounds, like a tired librarian with lower back issues. As they drew near, a pair of glowing yellow eyes opened in the archway above the keystone.

"HALT!" the bridge bellowed.

"Let me guess," Alistair muttered. "We can't pass without a riddle, a sacrifice, or a dance-off judged by ghosts."

The bridge rumbled. "Don't be ridiculous. This is a modern security system. If you wish to cross, you must each undergo…"

There was a dramatic pause.

"…A PERFORMANCE REVIEW."

Lucian blinked. "I beg your what?"

"Each of you will be assessed on your recent behaviours, contributions, attitudes, and potential for improvement."

Alistair scoffed. "I don't review. I inspire."

"Your inspiration score will be calculated accordingly," the bridge intoned ominously.

Nedrick looked skyward. "We're doing this, aren't we?"

"BEGIN."

Performance Review: Prince Knockout

Name: Lucian Lancaster Leonidas

Age: 19

Birthday: August 3rd

Height: 6'2''

MBTI: ENTP

Favourite Food: White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Strengths: Charisma, hair volume, ability to leap dramatically.

Weakness: Impulse control. Lacks maturity.

Last Notable Contribution: Flambéing a squirrel by accident.

Score: 7 / 10

Comments: Exudes leadership. Should not exude lavender quite so much.

Lucian folded his arms. "Unbelievable. I'm at least an eight."

Performance Review: Prince Enchanting

Name: Alan Hill

Age: 19

Birthday: November 4th

Height: 6'2''

MBTI: ISFP

Favourite Food: Double Chocolate Ice Cream

Strengths: Poise, cape aerodynamics, ability to charm woodland creatures.

Weakness: Mommy issues. Overcompensates too much.

Last Notable Contribution: Attempted to bribe a magical trout.

Score: 6.5 / 10

Comments: Has potential. Should not be left unsupervised in the kitchen. 

Alistair sniffed. "Six and a half? At least round it off to a seven!"

Performance Review: Keeper of the Pigs

Name: Nedrick Ian Prince

Age: 16

Birthday: May 23

Height: 5'9''

MBTI: ISTJ

Favourite Food: Waffles

Strengths: Sanity, livestock knowledge, ability to suppress screaming.

Weakness: Always expects the worst. Heart needs softening. 

Last Notable Contribution: Did not explode. Maintained basic decency.

Score: 9 / 10

Comments: Effective under duress. Appears mortal. Possibly omnipotent.

Nedrick squinted. "I am not divine."

"Tell it to the gnomes' mashed potato statue," Runklebean muttered.

Performance Review: Runklebean

Name: [UNPRONOUNCEABLE BY MORTAL KIND]

Age: 1212

Birthday: July 24

Height: 5'4''

MBTI: ESFP

Favourite Food: Steak

Strengths: Ancient wisdom, colour matching.

Weaknesses: Chronically self-doubting. Suffers from crippling loneliness.

Last Notable Contribution: Prevented a cheese-fueled gremlin war.

Score: 5 / 10

Comments: Apodictic pariah. May be allergic to hope.

Runklebean blinked. "Five? That can't be right. It's higher than normal."

"Congratulations," the bridge boomed. "YOU HAVE PASSED."

"Wait," Lucian said, "that's it? We all pass?"

"You have been logged as a functioning unit. You may now cross. And…" The bridge groaned meaningfully. "Your cooperation in administrative spirit qualifies as an official Good Deed. One point added."

Runklebean blinked. "That counts?"

"Modern heroism includes team cohesion," the bridge said primly. "Also, I'm deeply depressed."

Nedrick muttered, "This world is broken."

The bridge gently unrolled its ramp, and the group crossed to the other side with equal parts victory and lingering embarrassment.

That evening, at camp, Lucian and Alistair debated whether their mediocre scores meant they should do an impromptu training montage. Runklebean marked another tally in his ledger, and Nedrick stared into the fire like it might spontaneously explain why this was his life now.

Runklebean sat beside him, offering tea.

"You did well today," Runklebean said.

"All I did was not punch the bridge."

"That's hushmelting," Runklebean said with a smile, using a word that had just been born and immediately regretted its existence.

Nedrick sipped the tea. "I miss pigs."